The biggest difference between animals and humans is the capacity to being aware of your effect on another or your environment
They say that the biggest difference between animals and humans is the capacity of being self-aware… but I say that it isn’t so… it is being aware of how you appear to others.
In my coaching calls, whether it is a mindset call, or a marketing call, the biggest issue I see is that people are locked into their own perspective of things.
One of my students asked me to help her create a way to have an enjoyable July 4th holiday with her family.
She is away in school, and while she is away, her husband needs to take care of everything, including taking care of the children, and all the chores she did before she went away to school.
She commutes back for weekends, and she says her husband has a permanent scowl on his face.
He looks that way, and she feels unappreciated. Unappreciated in spite of the fact how hard she is working in school, in spite the fact that she will be able to provide better for her family once she gets her diploma. She focuses on how much she misses her children, she focuses on how HER holiday visit will be, smooth or rough.
She gives no regard, no thought, no attention, no awareness to, what it is like for her husband.
So, how is it for her husband, you ask? Let’s look:
- He is unknown, unappreciated, taken for granted. It probably didn’t start with the school…
- He is considered nasty because of that scowl on his face. He is probably inferior in taking care of the children… he is someone to put up with, tolerate, because he is a fact of life. After all he is the father of her children. 1
If I were him, I certainly wouldn’t want to be married to my student…
My students story is typical, although the circumstances can vary widely. You may not be going to school, or any of that stuff. And yet…
You only think of yourself, and when it comes to your “significant other” you look at their behavior, look at their reactions as opposing you, etc. You never feel valued, appreciated, or known.
But… You’ve never considered that you are unappreciative, ungrateful, inconsiderate, and judgmental, living in your own head.
You are unappreciative, ungrateful, inconsiderate, and judgmental, living in your own head
You are all that, but not from your own point of view, no.
From your own point of view you are perfectly justified. You want what you want when you want it, and others should fall in line. If they don’t, you judge them, diss them, gossip about them…
I recommended this student that she becomes appreciative, that she sets “appreciation” as the context for her 4-day break from school.
It took another 40 minutes to go from “there is nothing to appreciate” to “how to express appreciation” to “just appreciate him for allowing and supporting you to go to school, so you can have more self-expression in the world, so you can take care of your family, so you can be expanding as a human.”
Appreciation is a very high vibration capacity, up there with love…
Appreciation and gratitude are energetically the exact same thing… by the way.
She was thinking of giving her husband a massage as an expression of appreciation. Will a massage express appreciation? No. Appreciation is an energy, a massage is a massage… a gift is a gift, money is money…
Appreciation is both a context 2 inside which you say and do things. Appreciation doesn’t allow for blame, complaint, pointing fingers, judging and evaluating, sulking, even resistance.
Inside “appreciation” most of the things you normally give to your significant other, are not possible.
If you have any of that in your relationship, that is proof positive that you don’t appreciate them, and/or they don’t appreciate you.
Inside the context “appreciation”
Inside the context “appreciation” you can do a lot of things, including giving things, but whatever you give won’t have anything to add or take away from appreciation.
You have no idea how you land, you have no idea what it is like to be your friend or lover… An exercise in futility, an exercise in frustration.
Giving a massage is all about you, giving a gift is all about you, going out to dinner is all about you… you never give the other what they need, because you have no idea what it is.
You are locked into your own perspective, and until you get into the perspective of the other, your relationships, your business, your life will not be much fun.
You are stuck on the level of domesticated animals… in that arena… and you give lip service to appreciation, and other lofty ideals.
Why are you unwilling to appreciate another? Because you think that you hand them the power with that to destroy you, to slight you, to use you, to abuse you…
So, as you see, it is all about you…
Switching perspectives
Now, here is a youtube video that shows life when someone is willing and able to step outside of themselves and into the world of another… I wept as I watched it. It is less than 2 minutes… Watch it.
- Of course, as always, there is a lot more to the story, history, but this article won’t go into that detail: on the coaching calls we do go there, so you can have some integrity in your life, and in your relationships. Here, in this article, I am only talking about the aspect of gratitude and appreciation.
- Context is hard to explain… but let me try to explain through an example: If you context is that life is dangerous, your behavior will be consistent with “life is dangerous.”
If you context is that people don’t like you, your behavior is going to be totally consistent with “People don’t like me”.
The context inside you live your life, or do things, the context of your relationships is invisible to you.
Once you manage to get a glimpse, you’ll be mortified: it is all about you, and nothing about others, even if your main pretense is that you are about other people, or even world peace… It is still about you and you only.
I knew I could trust you. Congratulations.
Sophie, I just read this article. Thank you.
When I got home from school last week. I did exactly what you coached me on. It was not easy, ego was in the way. When I expressed my appreciation though it was like a big rock fell off my shoulders. I really had a good 4 day weekend. It was peaceful in and out. Now, I started to catch my self when I am not grateful. I am more aware of it.
For the past week Steve Job’s quote really got stuck with me. “You can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future.” When I look back I see that everything happened was just what needed to happen. I am here and now only because of the past and it’s perfect in the now. I am grateful for that.
Sophie, I appreciate you the most!
Thank you Sophie
acceptance is not even similar to appreciation and gratitude.
appreciation and gratitude is finding and acknowledging value and contribution.
acceptance is a totally different thing… start hunting for it in my articles…
So, is appreciation a cousin to acceptance? I really didn’t like that this article has me all in it, but that’s the point of all of this- being honest with myself, even at the expense of my perspective (misery). Thank you Sophie
Yes, your energies do make me aware in a painful way. I have been noticing that, and am glad to be feeling in a conscious way. The invisible is being made visible. It feels that this is where the power for change is.
My process so far is one of seeing, changing my habits, and (mostly) forgetting and needing to start all over again.
After the call last week when you were discussing bringing energy to life with another participant, I was reminded of my own powerful discovery, many years ago; that the simple act of bringing all my attention to whatever task I am doing, brings joy and ease. Conversely, living in my mental ‘to-do’ list pulls me out of integrity, and brings stress and overwhelm.
Is that simple for me to remember, even with the proof of direct experience? Hell no :(. However using HOE and Harmonize is really bringing my attention to this simple thing, and I would love to find that I no longer ‘forget’ this powerful insight.