The art of being heard the right way
On the Playground, last Tuesday's topic was "Not being heard... Being misunderstood"
Every person had at least one painful incident where their speaking was earning them grief and heart ache, instead of what they wanted. Appreciation, understanding, equality, or love.
The most interesting thing was that when we looked, each and every one of us were repeating and repeating the incident in our lives, the same way, expecting a different result.
I had the same experience with clients before: until the "original" incident is drained of all the pain and charge, they were repeating it, and, listen up, unwilling to learn the way to be always heard, to be always known, to be never be hurt again, to be effective... the art of communication anything to anyone.
I remember when I first "learned" the art, I had no idea what I learned, so it went away. But until then there was nothing I could tell anyone, there was nothing I asked of anyone that wasn't met with success, cooperation, support, and a delight.
Then I "learned" IT again, in 1987, and the experience was as if I had a six foot pole that was doing my bidding "over there."
I still didn't know what made the difference, so it disappeared again.
Not until a few years later where finally I got the piece that unconsciously I was employing, but consciously didn't realize... creating a context for the conversation, in speaking it, before I even say hello.
creating a context for the conversation, in speaking it, before I even say hello.
- Small talk... weather, how are you doing, and bs. like that. You are doing it to establish something, but you don't... you ask the questions, but you don't care about the answers. or you don't say why you are asking it.
The natural consequence is suspicion, or indifference, a "space" where you can't say anything that matters to you... or if you do, it will be rejected, or not heard at all.
- You assume that you have a relationship with the other... After all you know them, maybe you are even married to them, or have given birth to them.
But there is nothing to assume: if you watch, intimacy, good will, harmony doesn't live in that relationship 24/7... it is an occasional phenomenon, and you have no real idea what created it. It is out of your control, and you pray for it, because those are the moments MOMENTS! it is worth having those relationships.
You have lost friends, even husbands due to this assumption. Painful? Yeah, very. After all you loved them... but they didn't know it.
In the new communication series I will teach you the principles, the formats, the essence of communication that can alter your relationships, that can make you successful, get heard, be appreciated, get more effective, and ultimately a happier person.
Why I don't use this platform, articles, for that? Because you read the articles with your mind, and your mind only wants tricks.
But the problem with tricks that they don't alter your being.
But I don't know any single course that effectively teaches you to alter your being... If you go back to the beginning of this article, I did the
- communication workshop,
- the communication course,
- the advanced communication course,
- the year long training in communication...
- and then did them again, and again and again. Finally, after about 5 years I got it... I went from trickery to being, to authentic communication.
Authentic communication is as rare as diamonds. We know salespeople, coaches, etc. that learn how to "communicate" with clients, but at home they are jerks...
It begins with knowing how it's done... So you have a choice. Those publicly effective communicators don't really know... they just know tricks.
Why? First off, no one really teaches it effectively, including my Alma Mater (Landmark). Secondly: there is a price you need to pay, and that is the second reason it's so rare: unless you are willing to see, willing to tell the truth about, who you are being in the many situations of life (warning: there is nothing pretty there!) you can't alter your being, and you cannot learn effective authentic communication, that is win-win, nurturing, life affirming, and causes a life worth living.
Find out really who you are being, in every instance of your life
The "course" where you learn how to do it, going from area to area, incident from incident, is the Playground... For some people the one-on-one coaching structure of the Path and the Happiness is effective, but there you can hide...
You cannot hide in the Playground: it will come out loud and clear... It's probably not for you if you want continue to live in an illusion about yourself. But if you are ready to pay the piper for a better you, a better life, then it is for you... and you are welcome to come to a call, so you can be sure.
The first installment of the communication series, the Instant Coherence Solution webinar, is dealing with the most fundamental issue: Who do you want to be in the matter? And start building the capacity of BEING... the capacity of speaking that results in the alteration of your being... your attitude, your perspective, your frame, your context.