Update: When we are on a lower level of consciousness, we think it is all about us. What we do, what other people say, our results... everything. So our "self" is always in danger of falling off its pedestal, and we feel that with it we die.
The reason: we can't tell, we don't even think, that we and our actions are not the same. We can't see that we do something, and the results of those actions don't change who we are... there is no real connection. The results are the results, you are you, no connection.
This is a very low level of consciousness, an arrested development, in this area we are a child... 5-6 years old? Young.
Until we can grow ourselves up, there is no chance for us to be achievers in the world, we'll hesitate doing the smallest step, lest we die... Lest we are judged.
What is judgment? We throw out this word as if we knew what we are talking about. She is judgmental... I feel judged... we complain.
But what is it really? The whole picture...
What is the context, what is the background, what is the perspective when someone is judging?
Although you may not be able see readily, but saying that someone or something is wrong, inherently, to the core wrong, is pretending that god personally assigned you to pass judgment.
Why is that? Because nothing is ever wrong, and nothing is ever right... because right and wrong is a human invention. But when you say "it's wrong" they you say that your word is law, that you are god and the other isn't.
Of course, it is so everyday occurrence, we don't even stop to think about it. The church and churchgoers seem to have decided that their view of the world is the right view, and they know what is right and what is wrong, and they will tell you, f... god. God never said any of that... the Bible is a written document, written by people who were opinionated, and self-righteous... not god's word, not even close.
The heterosexuals decide that there is only one way to live, the vegetarians decide that their way is the right way, and I could list all the thousands of different authoritative view on what's right and what's wrong that all pretenders preach and condemn the other if they don't comply with what they say is right.
But let's talk about you!
When you judge, you come from the certainty that something is inherently wrong... And when you are judgmental, you'll hear judgment anyone talks to you.
You'll hear judgment when anyone criticizes your behavior, when anyone tries to teach you something, when someone tries to correct your mistakes.
When you are judgmental, you bring the context to the conversation, it is not necessarily that you are judged... regardless of the other's intention, the other's attitude, you will feel judged.
Judgment is arrogant. A declaration that you know what's right and what's wrong, a declaration that you are above others. Judgment is also cowardly: a courageous person will tell the truth: they don't like it, they don't agree with it, it doesn't please them, it doesn't work for them.
So, how do you get out of the trap of this judgment cycle: you judge and you feel judged...
You simply summon courage and tell the truth: you don't like, you don't agree, it doesn't work for you.
Arguing about what is right and what is wrong won't make you courageous, it is two cowards slapping each other.
Now let's address two more issues about judgment:
- you feel all of you rejected, judged, not accepted, devalued... etc.Our speaking is imprecise, but our listening is even more skewed.
If I say: I don't like you... YOU never ask: what don't you like about me? My sloppy speaking did not land for you as sloppy speaking: it landed as invalidation of all of you.
Given that you cannot force the world, or even just one other person to change how they speak, the responsibility of well-being, the responsibility to create clarity falls on your shoulders.
If you go back in your personal history, you'll find a ton of examples for this: you got invalidated because someone didn't like your contribution, your sexual preference, the clothes you wear, your weight, your voice, your style, your pimples, or what you said.
You got stuck with that "invalidation" and now live with it as if you had been wounded, rejected, discarded, and made wrong.
Bringing a wider cone of vision, and distinctions to it, with a few skillful questions you can remove the stigma, the hurt, the pain, the stuckedness, painlessly.
- You try to help people, advise people, heal people from an attitude of "there is something wrong with you and I am here to fix it for you".Which means: before you open your mouth, you already judged them. And you are surprised that your "contribution" isn't well-received.
So, how can you still make a contribution? Well, personal courage is needed again: you can express what you see, you can express your opinion as your opinion, you can express that there is nothing wrong and there are ways to make what is not wrong much better...
And if it isn't... you can be sure that the person on the receiving end is very judgmental, and you are better off not even pursuing the "contribution"... it will never be appreciated.
- The Playground is not a course. It is a loose string of sessions. Each session I, the leader, set the topic. I mostly make it up a few minutes before the class starts. Yesterday the topic was: "Rejection, being judged" thus the topic for this article... I learned a lot. There is one rule: speak in a way that removes the interpretations so we end up with what happened, what happened really... Some people ask to be the last to speak, and that's OK. You hear people's stories and me helping them uncovering the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, and the result is freedom, and joy, and possibility for the future. People get unshackled. No kidding.