Why is this happening to me?

needyWhy is this happening to me? add the whiny voice... and you can hear that this is not a useful question.

On the other hand, when you can answer that question (without asking it first), it has the same effect as a light switch flicked in a dark room.

So, how do you get to the answer without first asking that whiny question?

It happened to me today, and I am forever grateful I could see it... really.

Let me first create the context for you and then I tell you what I found out.

why-is-this-happening-to-meA certain person in my life has been mistreating me. Now that I am thinking, probably three people... it is obviously not an isolated incident, though I just made the connection.

On today's Itch I debuted a new exercise. In this exercise each participant, myself included, examined an area of life that wasn't quite working the way we envision it to work.

Most people chose fitness, I chose my relationship with one of my "mistreating me" friends.

In this process, you look at that area and you observe and take note of

  • What you are doing in that area, that may be relevant to why it's not working well
  • Who you are being in that area. in the phrase: "I am X", the X stands for who you are bing. It is also possible to say, more often than not, that X is your attitude.
     
    Smart alec, arrogant, holier than thou, procrastinating, lazy, fearful, protecting myself... these are some examples that come up repeatedly. Literally there are thousands, tens of thousands way you can be in any situation. So it is important to see how you are being in that one, where life is not working so well for you.

lie or pretense?It is best to do this exercise with someone who can see beyond your pretenses: you will want to look good, it's automatic. I am good at detecting your pretenses, and feeling what the truth is.

And the third step in the exercise you will be looking what is missing.

Most things, if you throw money at them, forgiveness at them, diligence at them, won't change.

The most missing is your being.

It is hard to see who you are being, and it is even harder to see what's missing.

Here is what I promised. I discovered, to my dismay, that I have been NEEDY in those three relationships. godverdomme (that is Dutch or Flemish, I think, for DAMN! lol.)

When you manage to identify your being exactly, you do the one-handed slap: you slap your forehead and say: of course... no wonder.

why2NEEDY-2

clingy

why-2When you are needy, the abusers abuse you. When people find out that they are the only game in town, they are tempted to abuse you... Got that.

So, how do you turn that around? Who could I be so I stop being needy?

The change is mostly internal: change my mind about them being the only game in town for me...

Find another chiropractor, take the bus to the grocery store, find another apartment... but first and foremost, change my attitude to life and in particular to my everyday existence: be self-sufficient.

Other people on the call found that going the direction Life is going, being humble being willing to be a beginner, willing to look bad completely change the quality of that area of their lives that wasn't working, and as a bonus, it changes to the better every area of their lives.

For me, this day to day living has been the last "bastion" of neediness... every other area I have been self-sufficient...

Becoming self-sufficient is a big step for me, and I am looking at it with a mixture of trepidation and excitement.

But when I look at who I have been being, needy, there is no doubt that all the work it may take to become self-sufficient is worth it.

Conclusion

Now, let me return to the issue mentioned in the title of this article: when you find the being you have been having, you also found your answer: your being is the reason it's happening to you, whatever is happening to you.

Can you feel as the light come on? Heavenly.

Author: Sophie Benshitta Maven

award winning architect, magazine publisher, transformational and spiritual coach and teacher, self declared Avatar

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