You are a Pressure Cooker
I had a real transformation a few years ago, but because it disappeared stuff, I am just noticing.
When anger disappears, you barely notice it.
I used to be an angry person. You wouldn’t know it, because for reasons of my own I suppressed my anger.
Anger not expressed cripples you. But expressing anger can be dangerous: you need to be out of control, or so it seems.
My fear was that my anger kills. Not that I kill someone while angry, but my anger kills.
I made that up when I was three years old.
My mom was pregnant and she was in the hospital. I was angry at the baby, and the baby died. Simple enough: she was born prematurely, and she died.
But for me, I killed her. How? With my anger. How did I know? Because they didn’t take me to the funeral, but they took my brother.
I was lying in bed. It was summer and full moon, and a little windy. The shadows of the big trees surrounding the house made the shadow-play on the wall dizzying. I knew I was a murderer. It was my second time. My second murder.
The first was earlier that year. It was Easter and I begged my mother to buy me a little day old chicken with a little basket. I got my way.
When it came to bedtime, I wanted the little chicken to be next to my bed. I got my way.
The little chicken made a fuss in its basket so I took her under the blanket with me. I was sure she was fussing because she was cold.
Next morning I had a very flat very dead chicken at my hand… I murdered that chicken. I rolled over in my sleep and it died.
I knew that I could not be trusted, ever… again.
So when my sister died, I knew it was me.
So when my parents abused me, when the rapist raped me, when my nanny beat me, when when when… I didn’t express any anger. I was stuffing it.
But from time to time the anger came out, and people died. All evidence that my anger kills…
So when at the 6-day program the exercise was to express anger, I hid, I gave up. I could not do it. I could not kill my mother.
Only in an exercise, a few years ago, I was able to express anger, and I was ranting and raving for some twenty minutes… those people never called me back to do another course… lol. It must have been really disturbing to them. But it emptied me, and today I can express anger, I can amplify anger, I can exaggerate anger, because anger isn’t running the show, I am.
Now, let me ask the question that is probably on your mind: how does this apply to you?
You see, when you suppress something, it is not just one thing. It is everything.
People walk around suppressed, dead, and give lip service to love. No feelings. Nobody home.
But they can’t feel.
How do you get suppressed? Suppression can be self-imposed or imposed by others: parents, religion, teachers, bosses…
If you don’t think that it’s safe to express your feelings (and who thinks it is safe? a handful of people, mostly in mental hospitals!) the only thing that is left for you is to suppress it.
Hide it even from yourself. Call them indecent, or whatever you call them.
You probably have one main emotion that you suppressed, and you will need to deal with that.
So, how do you release a deadening, suppressed emotion?
By doing something I would call psycho-drama. Why? That’s what they call it in the looney-bin, lol.
The tool is really play. You need partners to do it, partners that will allow you to go crazy. No hitting, no spitting, no damaging in any way: expression doesn’t need to be violent, even though it may be very strong, like my 20-minute psycho-drama a few years ago, the one that freed me up.
Once you are done with one emotion, you’ll have the next right under it. It’s grief for me. Feeling unsafe, betrayed, nobody can be trusted.
It showed itself last night. I am up for it to express it and free myself.
As long as I suppress this bundle, I will need to be betrayed: that is how it works: Life will provide you opportunities to release… and now that you know that they are opportunities, you will take advantage of them.
You’ll see, love, joy, peace, silence, happiness will be on the other side. I promise.
Heaven on Earth helps you to keep things in perspective, cut the emotional reactions down to nothing or weak at worst, and will prepare you to start expressing what you need to express… whether it is anger or grief or sadness or disappointment or fear: order a bottle today in the sidebar —> to the right.