A few days ago I wrote an article: "Who are you when no one is looking?"
I got one brave person to answer the question.
Now, the question wasn't: How do you feel when no one is looking? It also wasn't: "How do you behave, what do you do, when no one is looking?"
The question was about beingness. The core. The part that doesn't change with your moods, with the person you are talking to, with your circumstances.
For example: I am that I don't need to be protected, I don't need to protect myself. I know who I am and I am therefore I am safe in my being. I can talk to anyone, and I won't do anything to impress them, to trump them, to control them. Not even smile. Not even dress better. Not even wear makeup...
I wasn't always this way.
I just hung up with an old associate who is a manipulator, a user of people, etc. I used to be afraid that he would make me do things I didn't want to do.
Today I noticed that one of the cornerstones of my being is "I'll never do anything for money that I wouldn't do for free..." And now I can see that I may do things for him, for the fun of it, but I will never expect a future payment, riches, fame from it, because I will never do anything that I wouldn't do for free... And that is an inner strength: I don't do things for a reason, to gain, to buy, to pretend, to impress, to curry favors... I do them only if I would do them even if none of these benefits existed.
In yesterday's article I wrote that I am a scientist. That is also a beingness: I won't be swept away or swayed (even with my own ability to see the invisible, or know the unknowable...) None of those change who I am: a scientist. Level headed, skeptical, looking until I am clear.
The reader's answer was: "Who am I when no one is looking? (and can be myself) I am happy, playful, silly, calm, free, relaxed, and peaceful."
I muscle tested those adjectives and "silly" was a "yes". The rest was "no".
She wrote further: "There is other stuff too....anxiety, uncertainly, hesitation....feelings because of how others have reacted to me. But when I do not look at myself through their eyes. I am me, the one when no one is looking."
My answer: "You, my dear, I am afraid, have no Self yet. No crystallized Self."
Her answer: "Happy silly playful. I see this today because I am in a playful mood. Perhaps another time it might seem different."
Now, it is important to see, that how you feel, what your mood is, who you have around, whether you are lucky or unlucky has no bearing on WHO YOU ARE... only on how you feel.
I often feel tired, hopeless, angry... but I am NOT that... I am not on the same plane. I am observing it from where the Self is... the Witness position.
Feelings, thoughts, moods, luck, circumstances are all on the changeable horizontal plane, the irrelevant, temporary, extrinsic and systemic level.
Being Secure in who I am, and Being "I never do anything for money (or any advantage!) that I wouldn't do for free" are on the vertical plane, never changing, never changing with the "weather."
Until you can find your way to the vertical where you are unchanging, you'll never be able to be joyful, secure, tall and independent.
Your most important "job" is to "find" yourself.
When people say: create yourself, they actually lead you astray: the person who would do the "creating" is the ego and the horizontal self, concerned with how you look, how you sound... please ignore people when they want you to create yourself.
No, find yourself. You are there... shriveled, ignored, but you are there.
Muscle testing is a good tool in this pursuit... Learn how to do it correctly.