I laughed out loud, some are so nasty it’s funny

daniella-illo

50 Brilliant Sarcastic Jokes That Will Crack You Up When You’re Feeling Snarky 1

  1. Always remember: You’re just as unique as everybody else.
  2. Did something bad happen to you, or are you just naturally this terrible of a person?
  3. Did you fall from heaven? Cause your face looks kind of funky.
  4. Don’t you hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious?
  5. Even people who are good for nothing can bring a smile to your face—once you shove them down the stairs, that is.
  6. Hear that? It’s the sound of you not talking for once.
  7. Hi there, I’m human. What are you?
  8. Honesty may be the best policy, but insanity is the best defense.
  9. I always tell new hires, “Don’t think of me as your boss, think of me as a friend who can fire you.”
  10. I can totally keep secrets. It’s the people I tell them to who can’t.
  11. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
  12. I hate it when I go to hug someone really sexy and my face smashes right into the mirror.
  13. I have as much authority as the Pope. There just aren’t as many people who believe it.
  14. I swear I wasn’t lying, I was just writing fiction with my mouth again.
  15. I would kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
  16. I’d be fine if there weren’t so much blood in my alcohol system.
  17. I’m pretty sure I married someone else’s soulmate. If only they’d come around and take him off my hands.
  18. If you’re here, who’s running hell?
  19. If at first you don’t succeed, blame someone else and seek counseling.
  20. If at first you don’t succeed, stop trying already. You’re probably dumb.
  21. If I promise to miss you, will you go, like, really far away?
  22. If idiots grew on trees, this place would be an orchard.
  23. If you need so much space, there’s always NASA.
  24. If you see me smiling it’s because I’m thinking of doing something bad. If you see me laughing, it’s because I already have.
  25. Light travels faster than sound, which is why people like you appear bright—until they open their mouths.
  26. Masturbation is like procrastination—it’s all good fun until you realize you’re just fucking yourself.
  27. My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy, so I got drunk.
  28. My son asked me what it’s like to be married so I told him to leave me. When he did, I asked why he was ignoring me.
  29. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
  30. Oh, I didn’t tell you? Must be none of your business then.
  31. Please tell me this train of thought you’re on has a caboose.
  32. So many freaks, so few circuses.
  33. Sorry, my dog ate your text again.
  34. Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up and slam them on the ground.
  35. Take my advice — it’s not like I’m dumb enough to.
  36. Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it since you’re not that bright.
  37. The sooner I shoot you, the sooner I’ll get out of jail for it. Don’t assume that’s not a major incentive.
  38. They say you are what you eat, so lay off the nuts already.
  39. Think I’m sarcastic? Watch me pretend to care.
  40. This obviously isn’t working out. I think it’s time for us to go our separate ways and start making other people miserable.
  41. Those of you who think you know it all are really annoying to those of us who do.
  42. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
  43. When I see ads on TV featuring smiley housewives using some new cleaning product, the only thing I want to buy are the meds they’re clearly on.
  44. Why do people make end-of-the-world jokes like there’s no tomorrow?
  45. Why0 is it that everything you love is either unhealthy, addictive, or has multiple restraining orders against you?
  46. Would you like to dance? No? You must’ve misheard me. I said you look fat in those pants.
  47. Would you rather have a million bucks, or [insert name]’s head full of nickels?
  48. You might love your life, but I think it just wants to be friends.
  49. Your mind might want to dance, but your body is a really awkward white guy.
  50. Your opinion is very important to me. Please stay on the line until you hear the beep for voicemail.

Footnotes

  1. by Mélanie Berliet

Author: Sophie Benshitta Maven

award winning architect, magazine publisher, transformational and spiritual coach and teacher, self declared Avatar

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