There is a myth humans hold onto, that if they stay angry and something or someone, then they are better people than who they are angry at.
All pretense… which is bad in and of itself, but there is more…
When you are mad at something you did, or mad at someone who did something you recognize… then you are hooked.
Hooked on that angry mode of existence.
Locked in the anger, locked out of freedom, future, happiness.
As long as you hold onto that anger.
I think it may be useful to dig deeper at the invisible dynamic…
Your anger, your hate seems to be against someone. They did something…
But underneath, under the surface, not even deep, is the real cause:
You also did something, and you are unwilling to look at your own being that is less than perfect. There is something sneaky, unwholesome, something ugly… Probably a perpetration that you don’t mention, that you withhold. 1
Humans are made of light and shadow… like everything. But humans want to believe that they are all good.
And even if they are self-deprecating, self-loathing, self-blaming, the deep hidden ugly is never owned, never revealed, never accepted, never embraced.
Today of all days I had two “coaching” opportunities: to help two people to free themselves of hate or anger.
- Case #1: this person is spewing anger and hate at a one-time mentor of his. He tells me the guy became an addict, out of control, intent on causing destruction.I know the person he is talking about.I suggested that he sees himself in the other, that is what is fueling the hate, the anger.I suggested that he looks at the similar but hidden in himself and, after feeling the horror, lets it go, by accepting it.
The language I recommend is this: It is ugly. I can see it. It is mine… but I won’t worry about it… f… it. It’s part of me, but it’s not all of me.
- Case #2: this person was poised to become a hockey star… but let it all go. Bailed out.Since then he let everything go… He has been ashamed of himself ever since, and repeats the same thing, over and over: getting good at something and then letting it all fall by the wayside.I suggested that he forgives himself. I suggested that he sees that it’s his shadow, but not all of him.I wrote:
Until you can see (like you just saw it, hopefully) you need to see that it’s your shadow side. It’s ugly to you, I hope.
Concentrate NOT on what effect it had on other people. That doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters now, is that you avoided going all the way.
You avoided harvesting what you had sown.
OK, keep that in front of you. Feel that the same tendency is through and through your life. Keeping you loose, keeping you uncommitted, keeping you “safe” but not alive.
OK, got that?
Now, say after me: f… it… it’s ok. I did it. And I did it since then, with everything.
But it means nothing about the future… So f… it. I let it go.
And let it go. Please.
He wrote back, and what he said is what this article is about:
It feels so good to finally share this and to finally let it go and to say f… you to it.
OK, I want you to pay attention to the nuance: he said f… you to it… instead of f… it.
Which means: he is still angry. Holding onto the anger.
Being hooked…
- Case #3: Her mother didn’t like her. (this could apply to two of my students… and maybe me… lol) She is still angry. She is still trying to be miserable so she can punish her mother. Against all coaching, she is still locked in living a life in service of making her mother wrong.How could she become a free person?
By saying: f… it. She didn’t like me? So what? What does it have to do with the price of tea in China? What does it have to do with my life? Nothing. So f… it.
This is exactly what I said, and it freed me up.
My mother didn’t like me. She didn’t love me. She beat me…
So what? F… it. Even if she still lived, it had nothing to do with me.
And, between you and me, I hated her too… But not any more.
Ever since I have given up that it matters whether she liked me or not, I have been free.
And you know what? Freedom is sweet.
PS: Until you tell the truth, until you confess the underhanded nasty thing you did, or what you didn’t deserve that you got, you won’t be able to let go.
Only the complete truth will set you free.
In my case, I wished her (my mother) dead (not really… but I don’t have a better, more mature way to express my anger… in anger I quite hold onto my childish vocabulary, which should be a dead giveaway, lol). I gossiped about her. I sneakily ate ingredients of meals she was going to cook… I got into trouble… etc. etc. etc. Hell, I did that. F… it. I forgive myself.
PPS: every person you are angry at… YOU did something. Something that you consider not quite gentlemanly…
- Perpetration-withhold is a specific dynamic in which you do something underhanded, harmful to another and then you go ahead and be angry at them. It is a smoke screen to feel justified about what you did wrong.
Sometimes it is cheating, sometimes it is gossiping, sometimes it’s wishing someone dead, and sometimes it is getting something that you didn’t earn.
If you get passing grades because you cheated, or because your dad is a big shot in your town… you feel your grade or some benefit unearned, and there you have it: perpetration-withhold.
