The real reason why you are not happy, not fulfilled, not peaceful… and how to turn it around, maybe

contingent-happinessIf you found out that all the wrong turns, mistakes you made in your life… probably thousands, you made them because you didn’t see what there was to see.

A number of years ago, one leader in Landmark Education said: Most people either don’t sign up or quit as soon as they see it.

See what? You ask…

See that the solution to the issues of their lives, the decisions that would have taken them to success were there, but they didn’t see them.

I didn’t see them, and you didn’t see them.

Moreover… no matter how many times I notice that I didn’t see something, the fact doesn’t change: I don’t see what is there… I see something else.

I have been experimenting with this for more than a year now. It alternately infuriates me, or delights me.

I am noticing that everything I need is there to see…

But I see what I see. Until I look again…
There is a peanuts cartoon, where Lucy says to Charlie Brown on the baseball field: “I am sorry I missed that easy fly ball, Captain. I suddenly remembered all the ones I had missed earlier, and the past got into my eyes.”

The good news is: if I wait long enough, if I have the strength of “faith”, I look again. And if needed, look again. The overwhelming experience I have is that what I need is there.

Now, how does this apply to you?

The part about not seeing, and seeing the past… 100%.

However bad you say your life is compared to what it could be, you insist to hear what confirms what you already know… and not what would make your life better.

They call this cognitive bias, the confirmation bias. 1

You say you want change… but you don’t. Not really. You want to be right, more than you want change.

Until you are willing to be wrong, you are stuck.

Big bummer.

I just opened an email, and it is more than apropos what it says:

autonomyYou don’t want to suck your thumb on this one.

It’s like billionaire, Warren Buffett said, “Opportunities come infrequently. When it rains gold, put out the bucket, not the thimble.”

Take advantage of opportunities while it lasts.

Here is the opportunity:

Humanity, including its scientists, and maybe even its sages, have had a basic misunderstanding of how a human works.

Some had some hunches, then they lost them… Like Osho. In some of his books he is closer to how it is than in others.

But unless you have clarity, your actions to fix what isn’t working are misdirected.

I don’t quite remember exactly, but a few centuries ago they confused the brain and the heart, and all treatments therefore were killing people…

It is not very relevant for this conversation how exactly their confusion worked, suffice to understand that getting clarity without being able to correctly interpret what you see and what you feel, leads to ineffective and inaccurate actions.

Being an empath is not enough. Feeling without knowing exactly what you feel and what it means is as bad as seeing the same.

It just so happens that my personality and my past training uniquely qualifies me to have some better interpretations of what I feel… But the proof is in the pudding.

If it works, and it works fast and for everyone, then the interpretation was accurate.

If it doesn’t work, then there is more work to do.

The Unconditional Love Activator was my first activator. I gave it to people for nothing, and then I sold a lot for $7 each.

I have no idea how I saw what it did… But I saw it, and I see it still.

It is interesting to read when a scientist comes to the same conclusion and devises experiments to prove.

The book, terribly unreadable, by the way, “Why we do what we do” by Ed Deci comes closest.

The whole book is about  liberating the intrinsic desire of the Self to be productive, to do the right thing, to be curious.

Ed Deci and his colleagues “prove” the existence of the intrinsic desire, and also demonstrate what actions, attitudes, conditions, demands, rewards block its expression.

The most important of those is the conditionalness of love, of acceptance, that parents, peers, lovers, spouses, bosses, impose on people.

trying-to-earn-loveI won’t love you unless… is the most pristine expression of that conditionalness. And even then… I don’t promise… Maybe. Sometimes. When I feel like it… so behave the way i tell you to behave, give up your natural Self, and be a slave for a pittance! 2

Unless you are pretty, unless you are smart, unless you do what I tell you to do, unless… unless… unless.

This is the source of all stuff that ails you, the anxiety, all the confusion, on the inner tension, all the reluctance to follow your inner guidance.

trying-to-earn-love2Ed Deci shows that to be a producer and curious, you need autonomy, competence, and relatedness. And that conditionalness, he calls it “contingency”. 3

When you feel that you have no worth unless you do as you are told, as you are expected to be, your life experience is that you are not allowed to be you, unless you are willing to forego love and acceptance.

I think all parents, and maybe all teachers, and all bosses… all people are like this. Use the innate desire to be approved of, to be loved, to be considered as a blackmail, force, coercion to make you do, be, as they wish.

Unless I agree with you, I don’t just disagree on the thing in discussion, I will invalidate you.

I used to be like that. 100% of the time. Very forceful, very conditional, very nasty.

It is not innate to humans to be accepting, to have room for what the other does or says, and still love them.

I remember when it first occurred to me to validate the other person’s experience. It was about 20 years ago, in a conversation with a Landmark friend.

In this regard, in my personal evolution’s point of view, that was the first moment when I could consider separating love, and my opinion about people’s behavior.

You are not what you do, you are not what you say, you are not even what you think and feel.

Underneath it all there is a Self that is suppressed. An intrinsic Self. I am not saying it is all good… I am saying it is intrinsic.

One of my students has an intrinsic Self that is forceful, precise, like a bullet. Not a politically correct self, so she has been suppressing it for 60 years… But you can only imagine the inner tension, the energy it takes to manage the two selves: the outer self of meek, loving, obedient self… against the intrinsic self that wants to fly like a bullet. Not hurt, but fly…

As long as your two selves don’t meet, you are torn, you are ineffective, you are listless, lack energy, and you suffer.

The outer self, the pretend self. And it is not even just one way… a different self for every person, a different self for every occasion. Confusing, and misery making.

Because the only way to be happy and effective, and productive, and creative, and growing into a beautiful human being, is to live from the Intrinsic Self.

This is what this activator works towards.

Of course it doesn’t do the work WITHOUT you. If you are cowardly, if you are conniving, if your benefit from being a fake self is more important to you than being your Self… it won’t work. It will work against your pretenses.

My guess is that all those people that bought it, bought it for how it feels… to be loved unconditionally.

And it feels good… but it is only the starting point.

Because once you get to the Intrinsic Self, it will make you go out and do something with your life.

And you will be either willing or not willing… right?

I am OK either way. It is your life. It is you who suffers. I have done my work. And I am living out of my Intrinsic Self.

I can’t force it on you.

I won’t force it on you.

The special activation session this Sunday evening is not for everyone. You know if you are cowardly… if living a pretense life is more important to you than living a life where you are your Self.

So don’t come.

You need to own the activator. Having bought the remedy is not enough. You need to have bought the activator. I check.

OK, here is the link to buy the Unconditional Love Activator

And here is the link to register to the webinar of the Days of Power


  1. the tendency to interpret new evidence as confirmation of one’s existing beliefs or theories.
  2. I am planning on writing an article about Esau and Jacob. I think the Bible talks about this exact thing there… We shall see…
  3. contingent, contingent upon
    dependent for existence, occurrence, character, etc., on something not yet certain; conditional (often followed by on or upon. The most important difference between contingency and conditional… that I didn’t realize until today is this: there is no firm promise to love you if you do the things “they” ask you to do. It is left uncertain… so it sucks the life out of you. Oh my…): Our plans are contingent on the weather. 2. liable to happen or not; uncertain; possible: They had to plan for contingent expenses.

    I tested it on my cats. I was unpredictable when I would feed them. I wanted to know if it makes them behave differently. And it did. They started to “court” me, try to please me… and HATE ME! You don’t love your jailers, you don’t love your prison guards… but you try to please them. Simple survival instinct. And you become neurotic, and you lose your intrinsic Self in the process.

    I ran this experiment for some time. Cats jump back more readily, I thought. But that may not be so… You may have corrupted your pets too, not just your children, or spouse.

Author: Sophie Benshitta Maven

True empath, award winning architect, magazine publisher, transformational and spiritual coach and teacher, self declared Avatar

4 thoughts on “The real reason why you are not happy, not fulfilled, not peaceful… and how to turn it around, maybe”

  1. I slipped back into my intrinsic’ness again when I read this article, where the doors clang open. Where my “Damn it…NO” factor resides that I have been holding back all these years because early on, when I expressed my SELF, I accepted as valid judgment the disapproval and disdain of others.

    And oh…the power that comes from Its expression, in the not needing approval, just being in my potential. Such a coming home. It has been a beautiful week.

    And what you said, “…separating love, and my opinion about people’s behavior.” Not seeing eye to eye does not mean the withdrawal of love or acceptance of another person. I see that I have to work on this from both sides; losing my SELF, and others, from conditionality.

    And I am not kidding… when I started using the Unconditional Love Activator correctly, listening to it and ensuring the water was properly infused, there were overnight changes. It has been a key factor in this last week’s shift.

    Thank you!

  2. Remember how much you resisted when I told you you need to buy this and use it? You were willing to pretend stupidity, not understanding, not being well, just to avoid my perceived domination and control over you…

    But you relented, and bought it, and after a lot of nudging started to use it the way it was supposed to be used… and got your result.

    It’s so educational. To me. Every fiber in my being wanted to force you, blackmail you into it, threaten, throw you out unless you obey… lol. It kept me busy for a day or two… I never told you this.

    EVERY human is a control freak. EVERY human thinks that force is justified if the end goal is positive.

    But forcing doesn’t work… but it takes work, inside wrestling. I am not sure if it every gets easier, but if it is hard… hey, bring it on!

    Thank you for your share, Nancy, i really appreciate the humility it takes.

  3. The funny part is, I REALLY wanted to find what I needed to do. Give up everything. But even in that intense desire to grow, I couldn’t recognize what I do. I couldn’t give up what I didn’t recognize.

    Do you know, my very first contact with you was to get my vibration measured on February 23, 2016.

    You responded with my vibration and recommended the Unconditional Love Activator on Feb. 24, 2016. I did nothing.

    Just recently, Sept. 29th, you recommended it again and I finally bought it, but still didn’t use it correctly. Like the fish doesn’t know it’s in water, I didn’t know that it was my way to resist what I perceived as domination and control, until you helped me become aware.

    Once you advised me how to use it correctly, and I did it, there was an immediate shift.

    I hope mapping this out helps someone else.

    Thank you Sophie!

  4. Yes, it’s very helpful to me, and I hope it helps a resistant soul out there.

    By the way, when I give recommendation, I muscle test it. It takes longer to muscle test that than what you are paying for. Because Source needs to really tune in and see what would make the biggest bang for your buck.

    For you, seven months later, it was the Unconditional Love Activator. You see, it is better late than never.

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