Somebody said that being in the 900s, I must be in the flow.
I felt that what she meant and what it means are very different.
Most of what is termed "flow" is a feeling that everything is OK... That there is nothing to resist, because god is on your side.
But from that definition to get to flow, the real flow, you first have to make bad feelings wrong.
As if feelings were responsible and at fault...
But feelings are there for a reason, and resisting them is the stupidest thing you can do.
If we looked what prevents you from entering the flow state, I can promise we would find that you don't want all the feelings, you only want the good ones.
But most, maybe all gold is in the unpleasant feelings.
I finally got response to my private message to the author of the book "Feelings."
It came right after I wrote the "love" article.
Writing that article put me in touch with my denied, suppressed needs, the ones I said "It's hopeless" already.
Cynicism means: you say about what hasn't happened that it can't happen.
Resignation is similar, except the need is still there, nagging.
Belonging, having someone on my side (NOT by my side!), intimacy... I have been going from resignation to cynicism and back. Every time I see even just a glimpse of hope, I cry. It's the need that suddenly sees the hope... I must look like a dork to someone who observes me... and I probably am.
If you observe your needs, but you don't see anything, just observe where your eyes spring a leak. Grief signals a need. And that hopeful bittersweet moment signals a need.
Needs don't care who fulfills them. So in grief: it looks like with the departure of a person or an opportunity means the end... That is what grief means.
"I will never love again..." Says the left brain.
"The world would be better off with me dead..." says the left brain.
Don't get hooked. The left brain doesn't know. It just talks...
According to the authors of the book I am reading now... what you eat, your diet, either locks you into the stupid, linear, and nasty left brain, or not.
Our brain has been shrinking ever since we started to eat grains... Why? What's wrong with grains?
Grains have chemicals that make you stupid.
They, with the chemicals you and your children get through manufactured or treated foods, make your children sexually mature earlier, so less time they have to develop a whole brain.
When puberty hits, your brain development stops.
So each generation is stupider than the previous one. Actually have a smaller, less developed brain.
A lot of capacities don't develop until a later age... but now they don't develop at all.
Humanity is evolving backwards.
But worst of all, the same chemicals, innate to certain plants, by the way, make you violent, impatient, intolerant, and us, as a seven billion strong madhouse.
Remember the Twinkie defense? When someone got found not guilty of the crime they committed because they were under the influence of Twinkies they ate before the crime.
So what can you do?
My hunch is that individually we can reverse this backwards and downwards movement, and can actually grow.
How? The diets I have been recommending through muscle testing people individually, when followed both in spirit and in letter, coupled with increasing cell hydration, has been showing promising results.
And then, I am seeing results with activating humility, the capacity.
I am not sure how and why nutrition, eating are connected, but they are.
And when a person has humility turned off, they are stuck in their left brain... in that judgmental, self-righteous, intolerant, pretentious place you probably know intimately.
At this point I need to turn humility on sometimes more than once a day. It is not able to stay on, until..... ok, I haven't had anyone, I think, where it stayed on for a long time.
My feeling is that the self-righteous, delusional self-image maintained by the left brain has to be balanced by the more astute right brain... and until this balance happens, I have to keep on turning the capacity back on.
I now know that my eagerness is unpleasant, maybe even threatening to people.
So my job is to rein in my tendency to be too eager at pursuing friendship.
It's an experiment: I am not selling this at all. But all my students and clients are part of this grand experiment, so I do it for them for free.
Now, returning my buried hopes of ever having anyone to team up with, having anyone on my side: I am noticing that I am eager.
The feedback I received two weeks ago, that I am too eager, is not lost on me.
What is your dominant way that you destroy your chances to actually get what you want, because you either push away what you hope for, or the people through whom you could get what you hope for?
Here we are, again, with the distinction: from people versus through people.
As long as you look at receiving what you want from people, you will pretend, you'll sell yourself, and you'll be dishonest.
I bet you still don't get it... It is one of the hardest things to get.
What do I want? I want to experience having an ally. Do I want it from this Hungarian guy? Now that is scary, both him and me... not mentioning his wife... lol.
No, I don't want it from him. I wanted to get access to the experience, the fulfillment of that never fulfilled need THROUGH HIM... Now that I have access to the feeling, I can start living in a world of my own design that includes partnership, companionship, friendship... both as a possibility and as a reality.
Because no matter who you are, you live in a world of your own design... circumstances will adjust to your design. Always.