In my coaching I am seeing a phenomenon that can only be understood once you start mastering the 13th floor through the books, ground breaking new book "Feelings" by Margoczi, and the follow-up: "Words," plus through getting to know your feelings... The Feelings webinars can help you get started in that.
Sidenote: the author of the book isn't even willing to entertain the word: emotions. This should tell you something.
In the world of symbols, the level of words, most people use the words feeling and emotion interchangeably, but they are actually not even connected directly.
- Feelings are a 13th floor phenomenon. They are as physical as anything, measurable, and make a lot of sense.
- Emotions are a 15th floor phenomenon, and are entirely culturally defined. They are the marker feelings of words... and there is nothing that makes sense about them. Anything that is culturally defined is designed to confuse and enslave you. No kidding.
OK, returning to the issue almost every person is dealing with: unrealistic expectations.
As I showed before, there are three software based needs:
- The need to meet the expectation of others.
- The need to meet your own expectation of yourself
- The need for self-realization
The issue has been is this: the three software needs are a hierarchy... jumping around is an indication that there is a glitch in the system...
This article is about identifying the glitch.
Given the state of humanity, given the level where society lives, your parents, grandparents live, you got screwed up one way or another.
- Our first example is the woman who had the breakthrough a few days ago.For a long time, decades, she was trying to live up to an expectation that only existed in her 14th floor: to be a boy to fulfill an imaginary expectation of her parents.She felt like a disappointment. But becoming a boy when you are a girl is an uncatchable ball.Once she was able to let go all the hangers-on imaginary expectations (of her children, of her colleagues, of me) she could see that she had invested her life in something impossible, and unimportant.And that is when she could, finally, take on meeting her own expectation of herself, that can be realistic, attainable, and a joy to meet.My hunch is that every girl goes through this. For some reason, genetically coded, our species values boys higher than girls. That is how it is... You can suffer from it, or you can say... no problemo...If you complain about the weather (culture, society, economy, mood, etc.) where you live, you probably complain about that too...
Which tells me you have a bigger fish to fry... You need to raise your TLB score to at least 2... you are a sissy.
- Example two: a man whose life lead up to today through several traumas. As a boy his father lost all his money, property, and even freedom.They moved to another country where everything was alien, and still is. They went from the fire to the frying pan: they are still not OK... it's a racial thing.As a child he had this favorite dream of becoming a pilot. It makes sense knowing the history: the power to control is most obvious when you are at the helm of an airplane.He failed the pilot test, medical reasons... Big trauma. The whole "plan" for life was killed, all at once.What remained, as we'll see, is settling for a pedestrian living... but not this guy.Anger, ambition, fury.I'll be a billionaire... that is another way to feel in control of your destiny.
But becoming a billionaire doesn't have a set path, like becoming a pilot. And a lot less people can become billionaires than pilots. There is a need for pilots, no need for billionaires.
It's a whole other skill-set.
Billionaire is an uncatchable ball for our guy... But he cannot let go. He is like a dog with a bone. Or our monkey with the banana... 1
This trap is called the desire trap. A human can see its futility with some help from yours truly... but thus far our guy is firmly caught in this trap.
There are some real cost: he is in a service industry, but can't give a hoot, can't care about meeting his clients' expectations... timeliness, accuracy, etc. or his family's expectations: intimacy, attention, being present.
He is so hooked on the impossible dream, that he can't be present.
- The third example is a little schizophrenic, but I'll try to bring some clarity to it:The man of this example was born unwanted by the father and gladly embraced by the mother.The real schizophrenic is the mother (not a medical diagnosis, only a behavioral demand) being one way with the father, and another way with the child.Very confusing, very unsafe.The child grows up in a predictably permanent oscillating structure: between delusions of grandeur and feeling worthless.Not a good foundation for a healthy life.The challenge for this man is to reclaim his power. He will never be the over the top brilliant person the mother's exaggerated "love" suggested: it was a move to compensate for the father's no love. But it was a lot more "killing" than any other behavior.
And he is not as worthless as he feels...
His job is to become ordinary.
Make sure he is legal and his behavior roughly meets the norms for a man living in society. That is how to meet others' expectations of you. No need to meet each individual's dream for you... That is not what the need is about.
And then start to develop an inner world that is based on what one can expect of oneself, once one broke the prison of others' expectations... and once one becomes a person.
It's a process.
On the 13th floor the expectations are not word based, not exaggerated, not unrealistic.
It is not realistic to expect oneself to become a sage, a rock star, a billionaire, or even an entrepreneur.
Those are all 14th floor things... words.
No, on the 13th floor one expects oneself to be truthful, to be loyal, to be active, to be someone one can respect.
No words... beingness. No airs... you with yourself.
When I look at the person in the mirror, I can see someone who is well, who is winning, who has made a life she likes. Who has enough. Who has nothing missing.
It's a process. And it's priceless.
- Example four is an example of a millennial: "it's hopeless, so why bother."Where did this person lose the path? Because this is not "normal" development of a child.Here is my hunch. I am sharing my hunch because I don't actually know...Only child of performing musicians.Many parents want their children to strengthen their "I"And get really anxious, try to fix, when somehow the child devalues the parent's "I"This puts the child in a horrible bind: they cannot be who they are, they don't feel they have any say in their path, in their choices, they feel like a tool.
So, there is another schizophrenic behavior: trying to do both: doing what they want to do, and doing what the parent seems to be wanting... And between two chairs... the saying says you end up on the floor.
So what can a person in this trap do? This is a trap, don't be mistaken!
The only way to free oneself of this trap is to denounce the debt the parent has placed on them, whether it's imaginary or real. Mostly, I say, it is imaginary, just like in the first example, being a boy is made up by our girl there!
Denounce. And give up the benefits, real or imaginary, that serving the parent's "I" gives them: shelter, nourishment, and maybe even "love"...
You can't serve two masters.
By "moving out", you become a person. Now you can see that "if it is to be, it is up to you. And only you..." Your parents aren't coming.
I remember when I realized that no one is coming to rescue me. It stung, but it was the sting of a chain falling away.