Depending on the answer to that question, you are either a happy, well-adjusted person, or a wretch.
Wow, Sophie, isn't that an exaggeration? The answer to just one question?
I understand your outrage, but yes. The answer to just one question will tell me what kind of person you are. As far as everything... by the way.
I used to be a person you didn't want around. I came from an abusive background, and spread it to others in spades. 1
Suppressed, denied emotions go underground. What is unexpressed yearns to be expressed. It builds pressure and one way or another it will express itself. In self-abuse, in the abuse of others, or maybe even more violent ways.
If the environment is not conducive for that, or the emotional load comes too fast too strong, then the ego, your "Guardian Angel" won't allow you to feel it. You will pass out, or it will help you suppress it.
I experienced both kinds of intervention by ego when I was less than four, and it became my habits: pass out and suppress.
By age nine I was a ticking time bomb. Migraine headaches, ulcers, constant sore throat, every children's diseases, candida, I needed a lot of opportunities to release a little bit of the inner pressure.
I was denied the opportunity when I was in any environment: they were run by people that were more concerned about their own mental well-being than mine.
At 40, when I had my first real opportunity, I got scared. I saw that the person I was could kill. So I suppressed it instead of letting it go. I cried instead of pummel the pillows.
I have recently noticed that I have this deep sadness I still have suppressed. Anger, it seams, has found a way to be released, or maybe it transmuted itself to sadness? Either way, I am looking for safe ways to release it, probably little by little.
I have been completely trusting the soul to guide me towards it. Movies, books, imagining others pain, regret, seems to be the path the soul has chosen for me.
Something about irreversible, final, is at the root... no amount of grieving will change what's final, like death...
I watched and re-watched the twin movies, The Lake House, and Il Mare... both dealing with "what's final isn't final" idea. And although it's fiction and not how life works, it still brings me closer to decide that maybe what seemed final at the time wasn't. It's not over until it's over... and I don't even know what's over or not over, other than maybe the ability to trust enough to not be alone, with finality, forever.
So, what can you learn from my story?
- You can start by allowing new feelings to come and go, feel them but don't keep them around. They don't mean a thing. Looking at your small failures, small angers, small frustrations five years from now, they weren't even a bump in the road. But only if you let them go, let them be just a bump.
Once you get good at that, start getting curious what is filling you to the brim, that you will need to release, express, so you can return to innocence? Guilt? Shame? Anger? Injustice? Desire? Want? Find one that resonates with you and start watching it.Attention will give it some energy and coherence, so it can be expressed.
Almost any of the Avatar State audios can be helpful in that, especially the Self-Discipline one: in spite of its name, it does something totally different than what you expect: it awakens and strengthens the Self so you can learn new ways to deal with life. Discipline means: the ability to learn. Self-Discipline: the ability to learn new things consistent with the Self.
Given your current outward directed way of being, you don't know anything about Self, you only know about others, or results, acceptance, and their guidance leads you away from your Self.
Others don't want you to be YOU. Others want you to depend on them for your self-worth, your self-esteem, your self-respect.
The Self-Discipline audio gently wrestles your attention back from them, your worth form them, and starts to create an individual, self-contained, self-directed, self-reliant, and beautiful. NOT a puppet on a string.
In spite of all the wonderful activators we have, I am still using the Self-Discipline one for myself. And it is working. Undeniably.