Is happiness even possible? Is self-hate, self-punishing a good path to it?

It's Tuesday, and my Rob Brezsny horoscope arrived this morning.

It addressed something I wanted to address, because it is important: treating yourself well by providing yourself with what you need to be well, to do well, to feel well.

You treat your pets better than yourself.

If you were only judgmental and stingy with others, that would be one thing. But you are stingy with yourself.

You judge yourself harshly, you treat yourself badly, and you skimp on yourself first.

Consider yourself your own child, or your own pet? And your relationship, your treatment of it public.

A lot of people, in private, abuse with impunity, but would not dare do the same in public, or when someone can see it. They fear judgment.

Consider that god, your better self, your soul is there, watching, and you are not in private.

Two things result from having two profiles: a private profile: hateful, vengeful, stingy, and public profile: sweet, generous, grateful, etc.

Having these two profiles, these two identities, you have no chance to have your integrity every be restored, unless you make the two profiles merge. And as you know: without integrity nothing works... because you won't allow it. So when you have these two different attitudes towards yourself, you can't have a life that works.

Maybe some parts will work somewhat, but the whole, your life, won't work.

Easiest part to manage is your own relationship with yourself.

While you are really super sensitive to what others say or think about you, you think really poorly of yourself.

My trick is to treat yourself as a cherished child.

About a year ago I suggested going to bed, hugging yourself and cuddle... and whisper sweet nothings to yourself.

One self to the other.

It is hard, or it's emotional, or it's sweet... can be really comforting.

It is the only love you'll every feel... and if you have withheld it all your life, it will be hard, emotional, and eventually sweet.

It takes time and it takes practice, but you need to do it, or all the work you and i do together will be for naught. And that would be a real waste, don't you think so?

I always weep when I do it. It is really the only time I feel loved... and I also feel raw... at the same time.

Another part of treating yourself as a cherished child: you would make sure that the moment you find out that the child needs nutrients to thrive, you would turn hell over to provide it to the child, wouldn't you?

I watch my self-hating clients complaining that the supplements are too expensive...

I can see that I did the same thing with the cheap "eggs" to myself... I skimped on myself.

It is all the more weird, because in some respect I am loving with myself... but I skimped on "eggs"... and made myself sick.

I have clients who, when they have to write a food diary, suddenly their health starts rising. Suddenly, how they treat themselves, becomes public. Because the food diary is public: they have to send it to me. So the abuse stops... or they lie in the food diary... I'll know from their health/hydration numbers... no sense lying to me.

Your soul correction predicts your behavior: The moment you are private, you'll abuse yourself.

It's the five bad "signs" Circuitry, Finish What You Start, Silent Partner, Removing Hatred and Sharing the Light: the five bad... and next in line in badness is "Forget Thyself", my soul correction.

I don't think it is conscious. You need to make it conscious, and beat it.

I remember when I first read Rabbi Hillel's little poem: "If I am not for myself who is for me? And being for my own self, what am 'I'? And if not now, when?"

If it hadn't been a frequent occurrence to behave with self-hate 2,000 years ago, he would not have written it. If it hadn't been a rare phenomenon, it would not be printed on the first page of the Hebrew Bible... 1

So I am talking to everybody, especially the five bad signs, plus my own.

Treat yourself well. Be FOR yourself!

Indulging in your badness is ego... "Look mommy, I am so bad that I am good!" NOT. Saying you are bad won't make you good.

If you treat everyone with respect, but you treat yourself with contempt, scorn, hate, you are a contemptuous, scornful, hateful person.

Is that who you want to be?

Some of you, maybe, consider that treating yourself to eat a Snickers bar, or a latte, or a Mochacchino... is treating yourself well...

But if sugar, milk aren't on your food list: this is poisoning yourself.

Would you do that to your child? Oh, you have been? I gotcha...

Then add weak to your characteristics... How do you like that?

Here is a secret that you probably have never heard... because even I just learned it recently.

Your happiness is a direct consequence of living virtuously.

Virtues are those values you violate all the time.

So your unhappiness is unavoidable, until you start learning to live by virtues...

Hard? Of course it is. Possible? Yes, but it's a learning. It's a process.

We already know that I cannot give you a virtue: you'll turn it off.

Virtues have to be learned. Benjamin Franklin was as happy as the number of virtues he practiced are in proportion to all the virtues he could have practiced.

Muscle test says: he was 40% happy. I am 25% happy.

25% is pretty good: I have no sadness... no sense of futility... nothing seems to be missing... And I am getting better... I am practicing more virtues... to one degree or another.


What are virtues? Virtues are those pesky spiritual capacities that you can turn on and turn of in your DNA.

You are genetically equipped to practice any and all virtues.

Consistency, constancy, bravery, moderation, humility, prudence, self-restraint, tranquillity, simplicity, generosity, constancy, equanimity, endurance, etc.

Some you need to look up in the dictionary... others you have never seen, although you know the word.

Pick one and find out everything about it. Not in articles of today, they will lead you astray. Seneca was 20% happy... and have tried to practice many virtues.

Benjamin Franklin's 13 virtues he practiced:

  • 1. Temperance: Eat not to dullness. Drink not to elevation.
  • 2. Silence: Speak not but what may benefit others or yourself. Avoid trifling conversation.
  • 3. Order: Let all your things have their places. Let each part of your business have its time.
  • 4. Resolution: Resolve to perform what you ought. Perform without fail what you resolve.
  • 5. Frugality: Make no expense but to do good to others or yourself: i.e., Waste nothing.
  • 6. Industry: Lose no time. Be always employed in something useful. Cut off all unnecessary actions.
  • 7. Sincerity: Use no hurtful deceit. Think innocently and justly; and if you speak, speak accordingly.
  • 8. Justice: Wrong none by doing injuries, or omitting the benefits that are your duty.
  • 9. Moderation: Avoid extremes. Forbear resenting injuries so much as you think they deserve.
  • 10. Cleanliness: Tolerate no uncleanness in body, clothes, or habitation.
  • 11. Tranquility: Be not disturbed at trifles, or at accidents common or unavoidable.
  • 12. Chastity: Rarely use venery but for health or offspring; never to dullness, weakness, or the injury of your own or another's peace or reputation.
  • 13. Humility: Imitate Jesus and Socrates.

Or the seven heavenly virtues (Christianity) pitted Against the seven deadly sins:

  • Lust (excessive sexual appetites) --->Chastity (purity)
  • Gluttony (over-indulgence) --->Temperance (self-restraint)
  • Greed (avarice) --->Charity (giving)
  • Sloth (laziness/idleness) --->Diligence (zeal/integrity/Labor)
  • Wrath (anger) --->Forgiveness (composure)
  • Envy (jealousy) --->Kindness (admiration)
  • Pride (vanity) --->Humility (humbleness)

Pick one and stick with it until it becomes your signature characteristic.

I did that... Generosity, authenticity, service, integrity, humility, kindness, gratitude, appreciation... and lately moderation. Not even 13 yet.

Because I did it on my own, each took me years...

One virtue solidly established is the foundation to add another and another...

Happiness must follow.

If you invert that statement: the "deadly sins" must result in unhappiness.
And that is what you are experiencing. THAT unhappiness...

And in order to get rid of it, you do more and more deadly sins, coveting, wanting, desiring, pursuing, or daydreaming and slothfulness... Of course it just takes you deeper and deeper into unhappiness.

Recognize yourself?

Cut it out. Turn it around, and start afresh.

It is not late. But be sure you don't just embellish the outside, or don't just give lip-service... that will surely kill you.

Want to know how many spiritual capacities you have? This number is part of the Starting Point Measurements...

1. your vibration
2. overall intelligence
3. the number of spiritual capacities you have
4. your soul correction
5. do you have attachments?
6. level of your health
7. level of your cell hydration
8. relationship to feedback
9. level of discomfort you are willing to allow w/o trying to fix it.
10. size of your vocabulary

And sorry, I can't tell you what capacities you already have... I cannot. I am not equipped to do that.

Footnotes


  1. Hillel the Elder
    Hillel was a famous Jewish religious leader, one of the most important figures in Jewish history. He is associated with the development of the Mishnah and the Talmud. Wikipedia
    Born: 110 BC, Babylonia
    Died: 10 AD, Jerusalem, Israel
    By the way, he was somewhat a contemporary of Seneca. 5 BC to 64 AD?

Author: Sophie Benshitta Maven

award winning architect, magazine publisher, transformational and spiritual coach and teacher, self declared Avatar

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