This article is a little fragmented... I hope you get as much out of it as I intended for you to get. The "thing" it talks about is the main way your life is not enjoyable... so please, do yourself a favor and get in deep. Let me know where it doesn't make sense...
We are in the middle of a workshop: Upsets...
And not surprisingly, I am dealing with upsets coming from yet another student. She feels hurt by my treatment of her. And I am pondering.
She is kinesthetic... acting brainy. 1 Acting very quickly on what she thinks I am saying. And reacting very harshly. As if my word were what her life depended on.
As if she related to me as the force that is forcing her to be different than she is.
I am using her example, because it is so good... good as in good to teach with. I appreciate her and her courage to confront her demons.
Being free to be yourself is the most valuable and precious way to live... and it is rare. It feels like you need to be someone other than yourself to be loved, to be appreciated, to be valued.
You need to be smarter, prettier, richer, and you start pretending. You blame it on them, but it is you who makes the decision. With each decision you cut your nose in spite of your face... You become less you.
This is how these decisions are born:
You find yourself in a situation where you come up short... you are not enough for something. But some behavior takes the edge off, and you decide that that is the way to win in life.
This is how funnymen are born.
This is how smart people are born.
This is how independent people are born.
This is how nice people are born.
As many ways as many adjectives in a language
The adjective is a hobble. A way to be accepted. A way to win. A way to survive. But it is a way that takes you away from being you. A horrible limitation.
Because what you can't have, when you have all those "winning traits" is you can't be yourself. You can't be FREE to be yourself. What that is? You don't even know... but it's a feeling... and you know that you aren't.
We, humans, have quite a few of those hobbles... They are all created by us to please the others... And to survive some situation.
I can see that unless you stop trying to please the other, you will never have a Self... and your Self is tied up in the roles and traits you invented... So the first thing to get rid of is those hobbles, those limiting roles and traits. Slowly.
You are not supposed to be anything: it is OK to be yourself. I know it is frightening, because you don't know how to just be... just be yourself.
You know all too well how to be smart, sensitive, angry, upset... but to just be: that you don't know how to be.
So it is going to be a learning curve. But it's possible.
It is possible to give up your dependence on what you think others want you to be.
This is a commonality. Every person has to deal with this... and it is hard for everybody.
My students in my coaching program are afraid to not be who I want them to be. For them, it seems, I force them to be something they aren't. But it's not me... it is them. It's been going on ever since their first upset in life.
They are really not trying to please me... They are trying to please the "force"... Something outside of themselves.
Example: When you say: the purpose of life is to have a purpose, you sound like trying to please the "force". As if having a purpose were good, and mandatory. Same with being smart, being quick, doing the right thing, reading the right books, etc.
But in my humble opinion, a purpose is outside of you. And that is bad... I mean having a life about an outside purpose makes your life very shaky and unfulfilling. You depend on something that you can't control. Your self-respect, your happiness, your actions.
I don't mean for you not to interact with the outside world. I don't mean for you not to be interested, get all the information and impressions. I mean hang your purpose on an outside of you factor or result or opinion.
You see, if and when I made the purpose of my life to live life well... life lived well, life would change for me. That purpose is a moment to moment purpose, and it is a purpose that works when things go well, and when things go poorly. And only I am the judge.
And that is the kind of purpose, that doesn't depend on anything outside of you, that is the right kind of purpose, because it is constant and redirecting.
Try that on.
And you can have YOU being the judge for everything you do. I may give you feedback, I may nudge you, but YOU be the JUDGE... Pleasing me or any other force will not make you happy.
With regards to the upset webinars... I am not sure what I am going to do... I see they are really needed. I see the changes in people... even though some are stuck more than before. It's temporary. It is par for the course.
For now, I take the process to its conclusion, and into a communication course. A ragtag team... I am recording all the session, and if you are a subscriber, you have access.
No new participants are taken.
- There are four prime ways a person can learn and relate to the world: 1. visual 2. auditory 3. kinesthetic, 4. abstract
These ways are not exclusive, and everyone has a mix of it. But there is one or sometimes two dominant ways, and the difference is: what organ, what sense organ informs the person on how to act. What to do.
Kinesthetic feels first. And depending on your early decisions, your early hurts, you may make big mistakes in your interpretation. Because of the similarity of the feelings of hurt.
This is, by the way, our focus in the upset process we have embarked on in the feelings webinars.
The goal is to disengage, invalidate, neutralize the decisions we made from those early hurts, so our "instrument" can judge the world rightly after we do that, instead of repeating the same incident and the same emotion, endlessly.