Other questions, like the question in the title make you look… But the answer… oh, the answer creates an even bigger opening… it is like the abyss opened up in front of your feet… Fill your heart with dread.
And that is what was the purpose of the question… to open up the abyss…
Your self-view today is a tricky thing to predict. It will grow out of your seed level: of who you are that you are, whether you can count on yourself to be winning at life today, and other questions, very similar to the one in the title. All designed to confront you, to arrest you, to wake you up.
Who you are that you are is the person who is going to do life today. Interact with the world, interact with things… and the level of success, the mood, the outcome depend almost hundred percent on the answer to the question: who are you that you are?
When I heard that question for the first time was in July 1987, on Fathers’ Day, the fourth day of The Forum.
My own answer to that question was, back in 1987: I am that I cannot make a commitment to any life direction, I’d rather remain a student forever.
The leader of The Forum, Roger Smith, said: “I see. You are a failure.”
Now, that was a huge insult… and yet it felt true. And horrible. Even though I had no history of failures. But it accurately indicated what I was experiencing and what I was expecting from life… and what you expect of life is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
More than that: it is a mood you bring to life… (Werner calls it a “clearing”) and even if you get something different, in your world, in your “mood”, in your experience, you have gotten what you expected, in my case “failure”. Not failing at something… no. Failure. A failure. A “never do well”… Hopeless…
That, the answer to the question of “who we are that we are” is bad news for nearly all of us… because in some mysterious way we drag that “mood” into everything… I can see it on my students, through their partner calls.
It is the reason you can’t enjoy being loved, you can’t enjoy your successes, the reason you are never really happy. Gleeful, yeah. But not happy.
And no, it is not a belief. It is not something that you can directly access or change. No affirmation will change it for you. No energy will change it for you. No proof to the opposite will change it for you. This is why broke people remain broke even after a windfall, and rich people get richer: they have a different “who I am that I am” picture of themselves… at least in the area of money. In fact you have potentially a different “who I am that I am” in every area of life.
It is, they are the fruit of the tree that grew out of your seed level.
Surprisingly there is a “technology” to change your seed level.
Remember, it is not a technique, it is not a move, it is not a practice like meditation, or yoga. It is a technology. Just like killing cancer is not a technique, it is a technology.
Why do I drag cancer into this hopeful picture? Because your seed level behaves a lot like cancer. It is not interested in you. It is only interested in itself. In growing and making the whole organism like itself, killing it.
I say it so that you understand, that unless you go for complete and thorough in eliminating the cancerous seed level, it will stay… or come back, whichever interpretation you prefer. The correct word is probably remission… Sounds cruel, doesn’t it?
So what do we do to become a person with a more life-affirming seed level?
It was already pretty good 31 years ago, when I first ran it with people who have done The Forum.
Then it became totally ineffective every time I ran it… very disappointing.
Then last year it started to show some muscle… but not enough.
It became better early this year, and it seems that it is becoming what it was meant to become… a count-on-able, potent weapon, a technology, to root out the “cancer”… the self-image and consequent behavior that have been ruining your life.
What made the difference?
The first Playground participants were all Forum graduates… which means they had a feeling for what they were supposed to do to get much out of the program. So it wasn’t really MY program, it was, for them, a Forum program. That fact made it more effective, because I didn’t have to be the authority to lead it like I would have to be for someone “green”… uninitiated… someone who walked in from the street.
The the subsequent Playgrounds I “attempted” with “green” participants interacted with yours truly… and, of course, I talked them to death… as it used to be my habit… 🙁
When you have no authority, you talk too much.
I needed to become someone with authority… so I started to work on MY seed level in earnest.
In the last two Playgrounds I have given up much of the talking. Instead of worrying of what I am giving the participants, I was looking at what they needed to get what there was to get. I created the Partner calls… I created and refined the script of the call. I added the 20/30 day challenges, I strengthened the clarity about the intended result… and when all that didn’t feel enough, in spite of myself… I started learning new things to see… from other people.
Quite out of character for a “Forget yourself” soul correction: a character who is unwilling to surrender that I am not the smartest person on the planet.
Even now, that I am writing about it, I feel my stomach churning. This is what you feel when you do something that is digging out your own cancer.
Your soul correction gives you the kind of cancer you have.
It’s already given you your attitude when you weren’t even born… mine is “superiority” that will poopoo everyone, including my own self… and my own accomplishments. The outward expression and the inward are very different… for everyone. Eye candy.
I remember 20 years ago, I was totally bummed out about myself, and about my chances to ever enjoy life.
One of my employees whom I recruited in the Forum, suggested that I take some time out and make a list of all the things that I have done that I could be proud of… a list of accomplishments.
I did exactly what he suggested. I filled two pages on a yellow legal pad… and I got enough energy from it to continue the “good fight”… but it didn’t last…
It is a good “technique” for temporary relief… but doesn’t get, doesn’t change the root level.
Everyone has something to confront about themselves, about their past. And our natural inclination is to run from all confrontation.
In The Playground I ask people to go through a process using a script that asks you to look at past incidents, and to ask certain precise questions that are quite confronting… Not the questions you would ask in a normal conversation.
- Ask the questions and look. And breathe. And just keep looking. Watch your feelings and just look at them, at the answer to your question.
This is the first step… to experience surviving the confronting picture you see… very different from how you looked at it in the past.
It takes courage. It takes integrity. It takes intestinal fortitude, aka toughness. And it takes that the only way is through it… NOT around it, but THROUGH it.
- Once you regain your coherence: takes a little time… don’t hurry, you can consider to own the thing YOU DID in the picture that you discovered through the questions…
- And the third step is to see that in fact there is nothing wrong with it… even though it didn’t work, didn’t get you what you wanted…
Unless you can stop making yourself wrong for what you did, you won’t be able to see that life is always like that, for everyone.
You wanted, you intended, you expected one thing… but you always ended up getting what you got. Not what you wanted, not what you intended, not what you expected… but what you got.
And there is nothing wrong with it, even though it is almost never what you wanted.
Until you get this, you want what you want, and you get what you get, you need to go and be confronted some more…
Getting through a partner call is what my “underperforming” students have been doing. Getting through. Homework attitude.
Low TLB. Getting a tiny glimpse of what was hidden thus far from their view, and running for the hills.
Let me explain: when you are a child, you are surrounded by people who have their own cancer. Who have their own low TLB. People who have really low tolerance to you being however you are.
Happy, boisterous, demanding, jealous, envious, afraid, willful, however. Instead they reward you for attitudes that are not a good match for you: being quiet, helpful, helpless, meek, whatever makes THEIR life easier.
They will continue suppressing your real you by punishing it, and rewarding the fake you.
The worst thing for any of us was growing up with parents.
Of course, unfortunately, no matter what grown-ups you grew up with… you were punished, ignored, or rewarded for one behavior or another. Same in school. Same in your marriage. Same at work.
In the early decades of the State of Israel, most children lived in kibbutzim, and in children’s houses, brought up by “staff”, not their parents.
They grew up to be tough, successful, and maybe even happy. A lot happier than children who grew up with their parents… or even in the kibbutzim, who spent more “quality time” with their parents… and grew up to become neurotic weaklings.
I lived in Israel, and I had a lot of opportunities to compare those people and people who grew up in a family. Big difference.
In the scripted process of The Playground that you repeat 52 times in a year, you start to see that the most confronting incidents in your past were confronting because your natural feelings, your natural attitude, your natural desires were punished by your parents, or teachers.
You weren’t allowed to feel jealous or envious… even though that is how you felt. Slighted. Left out. Mistreated. BY THE PARENT!
You weren’t allowed to feel needy of attention… even though you didn’t get enough, and your spine was shriveling up all the time for lack of strokes.
You weren’t allowed to feel alone, lonely. Or afraid. Or sad. Or angry. Or anything that was bothersome to the parent.
It wasn’t conscious to you, by the way.
The process you do 52 times in the Playground is designed for you to get conscious of the suppressed feelings, and for the fake feelings you replaced them with.
Depressed, meek, dutiful, helpful, enterprising, cowardly, pleasure seeking, giving, hapless, goodie-two-shoes, bratty, bossy are all fake… fake behaviors you were forced to adapt to get ANY approval, to get any strokes.
Strokes are “transactions” that you get so you know you are alive, you are given to live another day.
They can be positive strokes and they can be negative strokes… a stroke is a stroke, is a stroke, is a stroke. It keeps you alive… and unfortunately, until you become who you are by shedding the fake, all strokes keep the cancer growing, not you.
My job in the Playground is to manage it. To keep it interesting. To encourage and to give feedback. To learn more so I can help you more.
You are not learning much of anything new… except about yourself and the story you tell.
To the degree that you can muster looking at what is confronting, and then own it as what you did, to the degree you allow yourself to feel the discouraged feelings, like envy, to the same degree you start to become a Self, a person, gradually cancer free.
Obviously, just like cancer treatment, it takes time.
Your inclination is to get through it… but it is the wrong inclination… the right attitude is to go where it takes you, not jump to the end, where it seems to be going. The process attitude, instead of the project attitude.
What is the end goal?
The end goal is to get rid of all the “cancer” caused by this disapproval/approval syndrome we here call racket.
What can you do when you get racket-free? Anything your heart desires.
You see, all the memes talk as if you were already cancer-free… but to my knowledge, the relatively racket free people, a handful, the tiny fragment of humanity, don’t need those encouraging memes… they live a life they are happy with. They are happy with themselves. They are the same, through and through.
We are talking about a thousand people. Roughly. In 8 billion.
When you manage to do the work with courage, with integrity, you’ll have transformed yourself, and your view of life.
- You’ll see that there is nothing wrong in reality, and will have a choice to call something wrong, or not
- You’ll be able to feel your orienting and guidance feelings
- You’ll be able to tell what are your real ambitions and what are phantom pains that you don’t need to fix
- You’ll be able to enjoy life, your life, even if there are still things you don’t like, things you’d rather not have, people, feelings, pains, experiences, because you can just let them be… And once you let something be, it lets YOU be…
- Your word will start to have power. You’ll be able to create your attitude, your beingness, and you’ll experience power… Not power over others, but power over yourself.
And, when we look back at the original question: who are you that you are… you’ll experience being a winner… you’ll feel that you can do anything… but you’ll only do what you really want to do… no inner or outer pulls to fix what is wrong… because there will be nothing wrong.
I live in that space. Where nothing is wrong. Truly. It IS heaven on earth.
Being an empath… having to feel all the bad feelings of people I accidentally connect to, is a huge burden on my system. For me to be well, and not resist any of it is a huge accomplishment. I know, I know, for you the only feeling that hurts is the feeling you feel… but believe it or not: every emotion, every feeling can be allowed… and whatever you allow will allow you to be.
But let me tell you, when you can cut those feelings once and for all at their origin, the worldview that “there is something wrong that needs to be fixed“, you won’t have to be vigilant to allow all those feelings… you can just LIVE!
I know people make money hand over fist by telling you that some energy, some course, some technique will allow you to get rid of those feelings.
The release technique, the Christie Marie Sheldon b.s., whatever… you can put your own favorite voodoo method here… they are all lying. They probably do the best they can.
It’s taken me 31 years to develop and test and test and test the method… and it will take you a year, maybe more, to get rid of the root of your bad feelings. Is it worth for you?
Only you can tell. My hourly rate is $250… But when you are in the Playground you pay only about one tenth of that… where I listen to your partner call and record the feedback to redirect you.
Well… Today is the first day or the rest of your life.
Start your Playground journey today