Quite a few of my students and clients are in this predicament, I even found myself feeling starved for "companionship"... for someone to hear what I have to say.
What is this about?
The answer, the elegant answer comes from a movie, Shall We Dance? where Susan Sarandon hires a private detective to find out what her husband does every Thursday night, and why he is acting so different.
The private detective asks why Susan Sarandon's character married this guy.
The answer is the answer to your question: "I wanted my life to be witnessed."
That is one of the most fundamental human needs: to have your life be witnessed. So you don't live and won't die as if you have never made an echo... a ripple in the fabric of life.
Why? Because no one really cares.
I just came off a call with a student. It was a good call... and I felt appreciated.
Then I spent a minute or two talking about something I would talk to a friend about. The listening wasn't there.
"Am I boring you?"
"No" the student lied.
So this is life... you want to be heard and you aren't...
The other also wants the conversation to be about them... or something they want to talk about...
This compulsion to talk about what is important to you is one of the reasons you are not liked when when you are not liked... The other reason that even when they talk about what is important to them... You hear them either unwillingly or with judgment... Waiting for your turn to speak... So who the heck would want to talk to you, enjoy being with you... right?
Unless you talk about what is important to the other, you are not heard. But you want to be heard about what is important to you... and they feel and look like a mutually exclusive conundrum... 1
Most relationships, most marriages, most friendships come from this need to be witnessed, and they all become tedious, and disappointing.
No room, no ears to share yourself.
Enter Hillel's three lines...
If I am not for me, who is for me?
If I am only for myself, who am I?
If not now: when?
How does this apply to this need? 2
100 times more effectively if and when you have the Big Bundle playing in your ears.
We wouldn't have so many women write so many works of fiction... if they had the Big Bundle playing in their ears.
But they don't... and Amazon has 90% of the books written by women. It's not that women need more witnessing, it is that women have less people to listen to them.
What does the Big Bundle do that is so relevant in this regard, Sophie? Are you trying to sell something?
No, I want to distinguish something for those of you who have access to the Big Bundle, but don't know how to get the most out of it, because you don't understand what it is, what it does.
I had a conversation in my Sunday call about this... not about witnessing, but what the Big Bundle does... how it works.
I can sell it to you... There are a few people who actually subscribe to my Sunday call recordings. I send the calls in email. I don't accept anyone I don't already know... If you are one... I'll refund your money...
But in a nutshell: the Big Bundle awakens Consciousness. The other name for Consciousness is Witness.
Consciousness is not inside the circle, if we imagine you as a circle... Consciousness is outside... like a friend, a wife, a husband, an audience is outside... And when consciousness listens you experience your life being witnessed.
I have this experience, and the more I use the Big Bundle, the less I miss talking. 3
I just have to find a way to have it play in my ear during phone calls and webinars... Actually, just ordered a tiny ear bud that can be used UNDER the phone's headset...
It will be here in three weeks... it is coming from China. I ordered 20... Maybe I'll resell it... maybe I give it to Big Bundle users as a gift. We shall see.
I will play the Big Bundle from the tiny mp3 player with a chip... and only I will hear the breathing... I can't wait.
Now what? what am I selling here? Right?
Well, if you hurry you can still get the Second Phase Activators with a $40 coupon... till the end of the day.
Why would you want to?
Because if you get the activation WHILE you hear the Big Bundle, the activation has a 10 times bigger chance to take.
There are 100 spiritual capacities in the program. If you get just 10%, you'll have 10 spiritual capacities open. The most successful AND happy people, like Warren Buffet, has 40 capacities open... Oprah Winfrey has 10...
The more spiritual capacities you have open, the better your life will become... Guaranteed.
But it is not easy to open those capacities, and even more difficult to keep them open. You need to need them in your daily life... and your life is set up, almost guaranteed, to no spiritual capacities...
But some of those 100 will resonate with you, and you'll welcome them... and you'll redesign, reshuffle your life, because it feels good. Suzanne from my Playground started out with no spiritual capacities, and yet has opened up three... and just ordered the Second Phase activators today... I predict that she will continue redesigning herself and her life... because she wants and likes what she sees.
So instead of having to pretend that you care, that you are smart, that you are happy... get happy... by using the spiritual capacities activated by the Second Phase activators course.
It is the smart thing to do.
Go to step 2
All before tonight...
- In logic and probability theory, two events (or propositions) are mutually exclusive or disjoint if they cannot both occur at the same time. It's either one or the other... not both.
- Some other over-talking traps include:
--1. Talking about yourself. Research shows that when we talk about ourselves, our brains release dopamine, the pleasure hormone, so we’re immediately rewarded when we do so.
--2. Talking to show how much you know. This, ironically, tends to undermine rather than build credibility. It also has a negative impact on our likeability, one of the key factors in how we evaluate people.
--3. Talking out of nervousness or insecurity. Our ability to self-manage shrinks when our anxiety grows.
--4. Talking to change someone’s mind. And we do this despite the evidence that facts alone rarely persuade.
--5. Talking because you had prepared something to say, even if it’s no longer necessary or relevant.
--6. Talking to stop someone else from talking. (Remind you of any staff meetings–or family holidays?)
--7. Talking out of habit. For many of us, speaking can feel like an automatic reflex rather than a thoughtful approach to sharing information.
--8. Talking to think. While some of us organize our ideas before sharing them, many of us use talking as a way to clarify and sound out our ideas, working out our mental processes aloud.
--9. Talking because it’s your “turn”. Whether it’s at a meeting or in a conversation, we think of our turn as a directive or mandate to say something, rather than an opportunity that we can take, or pass on, or defer until we actually have something more meaningful to contribute.
--10. Talking to fill the silence. Yes, research from Duke Medical School found that silence is associated with the development of new cells in the hippocampus, the key brain region associated with learning and memory. Still, most people experience silence as something to avoid–especially in conversation.
- here is something I am curating... from https://www.spirituallivingforbusypeople.com/talk-too-much
It has a lot more ways to explain why you talk too much
The man who didn’t speak for 17 years
In 1971, a young man named John Francis witnessed two oil tankers collide and the environmental disaster that followed.
In response, he decided to give up driving and got around by walking. As people tried to argue with his outrageous decision, he made another decision. In his TED talk, here’s how he described that day:
“And so, on my 27th birthday I decided, because I argued so much and I talk so much, that I was going to stop speaking for just one day — one day — to give it a rest. And so I did. I got up in the morning and I didn’t say a word. And I have to tell you, it was a very moving experience, because for the first time, I began listening — in a long time.”
Before that day, he thought he knew everything. On that day, he realized that he had much to learn. He realized how little he actually listened to other people. So he decided to extend his experiment one more day. After that day, he extended to another day. And another. In fact, one day became 6,205 days. That’s 17 years.
He broke his silence with these well-chosen words:
“Thank you for being here. After 17 years of not speaking, I know the importance of there being someone there to hear what you have to say.”
Another compelling reason to talk less? To truly listen so you can learn from others.
Do you talk too much?
Think you might be talking too much? Think not?
Here are some warning signs for you to consider. They are posed as questions to allow for greater introspection:
Do you get more satisfaction from talking about your values rather than living them?
Do you talk fast to ensure you don’t get interrupted?
Do you frequently interrupt others?
When listening to others, are you focused on formulating your response or rebuttal?
Do you share what others tell you in confidence?
Are you prone to exaggerating or modifying the truth?
Do you try to impress others with your speech?
Is your speech driven by your concern about what others think of you?
Are you unaware of your own body language and what it communicates to the world?
Do you rush to defend yourself whenever you feel misunderstood?
Do you share the most intimate and private details of your life to anyone who will listen?
Do you ask inappropriate questions?
Do you babble when trying to comfort someone who is hurting?
Do you spread gossip or practice other forms of malicious speech?
Do you frequently get into fights on social media or in comment sections of blogs?
Do you value your opinions more highly than the opinions of others?
Do you try to speak on matters in which you have no knowledge or expertise?
Do you frequently find yourself regretting things you said over the course of your day?
Talk less, learn more
In a culture where it feels like those who talk the loudest and fastest get ahead, can we the rediscover the art of skillful means?
Can we learn to be more thoughtful in our speech? Can we learn to reverence silence?
If you want to lead the way, start by examining the above questions.
Challenge yourself to resist every urge to speak, especially when you’re upset or angry.
Learn the art of silence.
You may discover some amazing things about yourself – and others.