Did I live?
Did I love?
Did I matter?
What brought this up is this: all morning bouts of inner crying have been happening to me.
Inner crying is when the tears don’t reach your eyes, but inside you have all the feelings as if you were crying.
I muscletested and it’s mine.
What am I crying about? Many questions later, all answered with a no, I settled on not having loved enough, maybe never having loved at all. I mean the kind of love where you give yourself completely over to it, with feeling.
I had a wet dream. I was alone even in my dream…
As a woman I never had what they say sex is all about… I never experienced it… albeit I have had occasional wet dreams.
As an empath I know what they are talking about: I have felt it vicariously… but not my own.
And I think ‘creation’, the design of animals, and making procreation pleasant, when it comes to a female, I think love is felt… because without love it is an ordeal. And life wants more life, so it will do whatever is needed so the vehicles, in this case humans, willingly submit to what it takes to make more life.
I didn’t have that.
Do I grieve being alone? No. Do I grieve never having given birth? No. But I think not having loved… yeah, that I grieve. Not often, only very occasionally, but this is the first time I spent time looking what the heck is this inner crying.
So I didn’t have Life’s love potion, and therefore I didn’t love… didn’t love deeply, passionately anyone.
I did live. I did and do matter. But I didn’t love.
Can I start loving at age 73 and allow love to make me complete?
What is there to do when you grieve? Grieving… of course. Grief resisted becomes deadness and bitterness.
We all have reasons to grieve.
this is quote from the book I am reading: Change or Die: Mimi Silbert, founder and CEO of the Delancey Street Foundation still lives in San Francisco at the original Delancey, which for the past 35 years has been her therapy. she preaches ‘physician heal thyself’ and takes her own medicine.
‘I get flat’ she says. ‘All of a sudden, I just don’t have any feelings, or I start feeling like a victim. Feeling sorry for myself. And I could get in my bed, surround myself with white chocolate truffles, and think of all the ways I’ve been betrayed. But then I’ll run, instead, to the dining room, grab a bunch of new guys, and start taking as if I care. And all of a sudden, I am excited again.’
Yeah, same here… instead of wallowing, I reach out and make a difference.
It makes the blues pass, and I am alive again.
Now, why am I sharing this? Hm… I am not sure. Maybe I thought it would be useful to get a glimpse into another’s life who has the same issues as you do, but handles them differently?
All in all, it all boils down to one thing: integrity.
Integrity is the state of being whole and complete.
You can see it is not the natural state of a human… a human is always bent out of shape by some concern, by some failing, by some challenge, so for a human integrity is constant restoration… restoration of integrity.
But most people never do the work… they run for the hills… and leave ruins, unfinished business, hurt, slight, failures in their wake.
No one really teaches integrity, everyone just talks about integrity.
But I do… and you want it. I know. And some of you will get it. I hail you.
Without integrity life doesn’t work, and with integrity it starts working…
It’s not other people, it is you, who doesn’t let yourself and your life work… because integrity is an inside job.
The course will start on the last Saturday of this month and will go four sessions, all on the last Saturday of the month, at 2 pm EST, that is New York. It will be an average of two hours per session.
Before Friday, March 5 midnight you can get a 30% discount using the coupon code MARCH30.
If you get the live course, you’ll automatically get the old course’s recordings… and of course the new ones… in my mobile app.
Soon my mobile app will be accessible also on the PC… but not yet.
Go to step 2