This morning something pulled me back to bed after I got up.
I considered it guidance, and I got back to bed.
What came next was amazing: trips down memory lane, all centering around mental illness, mental stability, your TLB, and what was in common among the many people I remember so clearly, people I spent time with in mental institutions.
As an empath, other people's feelings, emotions tend to tug at me. today 99% of what I feel is not mine... But before I became conscious, before I started to climb the consciousness tree, 30% of the feelings I felt were mine. I also had a lot more noise in my head... all talking at the same time.
The only reason I know, with 20/20 hindsight, that I was hospitalized not for what I felt, is that none of the medication worked... I wasn't the person who was crazy, I just felt the craziness of others.
My theory of mental illness has always been that it is an escape... a hiding place.
What I can write best is the wretchedness of going straight for what you want, and quitting when anyone else benefits... And I can share how this... getting what i need as a side effect, consciously, has been one of the secrets of my inner peace, fulfillment, and happiness.
Some 15 years ago I started studying Kabbalah, an ancient body of thought. The truth value of Kabbalah is about 30%, while most other "ancient" teachings are less than 10% truth value, so if you have a large body of knowledge yourself, have read hundreds or thousands of books, have degrees, etc. You are somewhat safe in studying Kabbalah. Continue reading "Selfish? let’s look at that, shall we?"
I have decided to re-read the Feelings book, and this time make it a study, memorize the names of the different needs, take a more earnest approach to learning the "language" of the machine that is need-based.
I am feeling a mix of fear and excitement. where? in my stomach, expanding to my chest.
My plan is to read/study the book is to study it at the beginning of my evening reading session for about 10 minutes, and then switch to my "other" book... whatever book I am reading in the evening at the time... currently it is "Curious" by Ian Leslie.
I am reading Curious for the second time, and this time it is, given the chance, going to change something in me and consequently in how I teach, how i guide, and what I expect YOU to do.
We are judged all the time. Justly, unjustly, the feeling of being judged is familiar to all of us... and some of us is bothered and paralyzed by it more than others.
What's painful in being judged is that the judgment contains a kernel of truth (or more) and the other part is the judging themselves: in judging they place themselves above us... simply unbearable to the sensitive Precious "I".
This story is about my very recent "bout" with being judged... and shows what is on the other side of judgment... how to free yourself from it so it doesn't sting quite that much... maybe not even at all.