Coming Out Of Grief – The Process And the Problem

This article deals with the stages of healing, healing your grief. Denial, anger, fear, and so on.

The most important distinction I can add is: check your cone of vision. If your cone of vision is narrow, everything is colored or filled with your grief: the context of life becomes your grief, independent of the content of life.

In addition to that, when you are grief stricken, you start interacting with unreality, and avoid reality.

If there is any hint of "no" in your thoughts, you are interacting with unreality. There is NO no in reality.

I learned this through my own grieving process almost 20 years ago, when my mother died.

She was in Hungary and I was in New Jersey. I didn't even know she wasn't well until after she died.

My whole grief was about what I didn't, could not do, and what we could not do together.

All unreality.

When I came to terms with that, that all grieving is about unreality, I started to tell the truth about reality: I was in New Jersey and she was in Hungary and she died. If I am interested in doing all the things I planned to do with her: I surely will find the time and opportunity to do it with myself or with someone else.

Stabs of grief were still there, but only occasionally.

When you find what's real, your love, your appreciation, you will have a time that if they could watch you, they would love to watch. Instead, they are watching you crying yourself into oblivion, turn to drinking, or sex, or gambling... If they could grieve, they would have a good reason now, watching you.

Grief strikes every one of us sometime or the other in our lives. Many of us find it difficult to come out of it. People get stuck in grief and find it unable to move forward. The situation is similar to a vehicle getting stuck in deep mud and not moving out of it despite frantic efforts made by people.

Coming out of grief is very important for us to progress. But several factors inhibit this process. The most important of them is the state of denial. Many people will find it difficult to accept the happening of a sad event. The obsessive belief 'This cannot happen to me' is so deeply entrenched in our minds that we refuse to see the reality that stands before us.

The grief can be the result of a natural event like the death of a person close to us, an unexpected financial loss etc. It can also be the result of someone acting against us. It can be an act of cheating, betrayal or just being let down by someone whom we trusted. The initial response will always be to deny the happening. This state of denial will persist for a while. We sometimes read about someone living with the corpse of a person dear to them for several days, unmindful of the stink emanating from the disintegrating body. These are examples of extreme states of denial.

The second stage is anger. Once we accept (or are forced to accept) what has happened, then the belief 'This cannot happen to me' turns into a question, 'how can this happen to me?' We show our anger either on the people whom we perceive to be the cause of our grief or on the world at large or the cruel fate for allowing this to happen. It is a kind of protest against the 'injustice' done to us.

The third stage is the stage of fear. Once we realize that our anger has no force and can do nothing to undo what has happened, we are likely to be gripped by a feeling of insecurity and fear. 'If this can happen to me, what other things can happen?' becomes the haunting feeling. This kind of thought makes us weak and depressed.

At this stage, we are so confused that we will not accept any help from others. We feel lonely and suffer our feelings in that state of loneliness.

Overcoming these stages of grief and moving ahead is the real challenge. If you can't do it yourself, you should take help from others because what is important is that you come back to normalcy and continue with your life. You have not only tasks waiting for you but also people looking forward to your support.

Two things are important in life. Self development and maintaining good relationships. If you want to be happy and successful, you should focus on these two areas of personal success and harmonious relationships.

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What Is Sleep Hypnosis And How Does It Work?

Hypnosis is mysterious and peculiar. It is not fully understood. Some therapists are taught a very diluted version of hypnosis and they market themselves with statements about hypnosis that are not true. They are true to the techniques they use, but not to hypnosis. Here are six common misconceptions about hypnosis and their relevance to effective change work. Some are encouraged by practicing therapists and some are just urban legends.

Hypnosis is a sleep like state

Hypnosis gets its name from the Greek God of sleep, Hypnos, which is misleading. Relaxation and sleep are two very common suggestions used in the induction process. The relaxed state you often see in hypnotised people is the acceptance of a suggestion, but it is not hypnosis. It is the effect not the cause.

In a stage show you will see the subjects slumped when the hypnotist is not using them, they look like they are asleep, puppets with their strings cut, yet as soon as the puppeteer gives them an instruction they jump to it - you do not do that when you are asleep. When they are doing what they are told as part of the performance - eating an onion or falling in love with a mop - in the reality that the hypnotist has given them they are in they still hypnotised and they are very definitely not asleep.

In therapy the client will spend a lot of time with their eyes closed in a relaxed state as in therapy the attention is turned inwards and so it makes sense to block out external stimulus, but they are not asleep, they are following instructions given to them by the hypnotist, rearranging their subconscious patterns and changing their lives.

A good therapist will ensure some sort of two way communication between themselves and the client so they can gauge the effectiveness of what they are doing as they go. This might involve talking with the client, asking for head nods or shakes or establishing Ideo Motor Responses which are tiny involuntary muscle movements - one for Yes and one for No. You cannot do that with someone who is asleep.

The most common phrase from a clients mouth when you wake them up is something along the lines of 'that was weird' - probably not the first phrase uttered each morning.

The Hypnotist cannot make you do anything you do not want to do!

Many hypnotherapists will claim this on their FAQ pages, they will tell you that you are completely in control throughout the session as many hypnotherapy schools teach this. Any therapist that claims this is not using hypnosis or they do not understand the tools of their own trade. Hypnosis is the acceptance of suggestion without question, without reservation, without inhibition and that is exactly why you go to hypnotist rather than a counsellor or psychotherapist which work with your conscious faculty at the pace you wish to go to try and get past problems - hypnosis removes your conscious critical faculty from the equation to get you fast results.

Let's examine the term 'want'. Let's say you get a panic attack every time you are in a small enclosed space. You want to stop doing that but you can't. If you really truly wanted to stop you would. So why is it not possible? Because there is a deeper want - part of your mind wants to keep you out of small enclosed spaces. Part of your mind, the part that is in charge, does not want to go into small enclosed spaces. Go and see a hypnotist though, and they can talk to that part of your mind and tell it that you will be okay if you go into small enclosed spaces without panicking. And you will feel fine after that. The hypnotist has made you do something that you do not want to do.

The same goes for any issue that you might want to see a hypnotist for - the process aligns your conscious desires with your subconscious resistance so there is no conflict.

It is a wonderful process that can do wonderful things for you but be sure you trust your hypnotist and chose them carefully.

Hypnosis is a completely natural state which you drift in and out of several times a day

For hypnosis to happen you need a hypnotist and a hypnotee. The thing that makes hypnosis hypnosis is the acceptance of the hypnotist's suggestion without reservation, without inhibition. This cannot happen regularly throughout the day unless you are joined at the hip of a hypnotist who barks suggestions at you regularly.

Trance is often mistaken for hypnosis. Daydreaming is a form of trance. Autopilot that you slip into while driving a familiar root is a form of trance. Watching TV is a form of trance. Hypnosis is a form of trance, but trance is not hypnosis, not without a hypnotist there to drive it.

Hypnosis is when a hypnotist encourages your subconscious to become dominant over your conscious mind which is important because your subconscious can do anything, it does not know its limits, whereas your conscious mind has limits and it knows exactly where they are.

The hypnotist does not do anything to you, they just encourage the subconscious to come out and play, using your imagination and focus while persuading the conscious mind to sit back for a while. This does not happen several times a day. In a session with a good hypnotist you will have a new and different, weird and wonderful experience.

You can hypnotize yourself

Following the above logic, you cannot hypnotise yourself. You cannot bypass your own conscious faculty. You cannot stick your own finger to the end of your own nose without glue but a hypnotist can. It is very hard to consciously change a subconscious belief once it is formed as your conscious mind is a result of that belief - this is a bit like trying to pick yourself up off the floor. You need someone else to bypass that conscious mind for you.

Self hypnosis can be good to focus your attention, your energy and your self awareness, it can be good to really think about how you are seeing the world and to find new ways of seeing it, but it is not hypnosis - it is self-induced trance or meditation and it can do you the world of good, but it will not be as fast as hypnosis and is not the same thing.

Only the weak minded can be hypnotized

This misconception was quite possibly started by bad hypnotists who just wanted people to comply. It is not true. Hypnosis is more of a talent of the hypnotee than the hypnotist, it is a skill to be able to take someone else's words as your own reality. It is a skill that some people have naturally, others can learn to be better at it and some people will never be able to do it. So what determines how good a hypnotee you are?

In a study by J. E. Horton et al entitled 'Increased anterior corpus callosum size associated positively with hypnotizability and the ability to control pain', he discovers that someone's ability to be hypnotised depends on the size of the rostrum which is part of the brain within the corpus callosum which links the left and right hemispheres, the rational and creative parts of the brain. The bigger the rostrum the better a hypnotee you are; if your rostrum is small it may be that you cannot be hypnotized.

The best way to find out how hypnotizable you are is to spend some time with a hypnotist and try some things and this would be wise to do before investing a full amount in treatment. Do some tests and you have an idea how likely it is to work and a good hypnotist will give you the opportunity to find this out as this determines if and how they are going to be help you.

The other things that may get in the way on the day are: mood, rapport with the hypnotist, setting, things going on in your life and choice of inductions to name but a few, but a good hypnotist will work with you to get past these variables and if you can be hypnotised, you will be.

You can get stuck in hypnosis

If the stage hypnotist dies in the middle of the show, will you live the rest of your life in love with a mop? If the therapist walks out in the middle of a session and never comes back will you never 'wake up'?

To take the therapy scenario first, your subconscious is bright, it is in control of so much all the time, it will realise that the hypnotist is gone and allow you to either fall into a comfortable sleep or 'wake you up' of its own accord.

In terms of your showbiz love affair with a mop, you may stay in love with the mop for a while, but your mind can still learn and there is more evidence that the mop is not actually a person worthy of your love than there is to the contrary and so you will process this and fall out of love quite quickly.

This is why the hypnotist needs to be clever in therapy as the effects in the session need to last. The suggestions that are designed to effect the rest of your life must be put in a way that will remain congruent with the way you experience life or the work that is done in the session will be undone over time. The change needs to be made and then your subconscious prepared for potential challenging times ahead so that it can run the new pattern even when the going gets tough rather than reverting habitually to the old pattern. The therapist cannot stop life from happening, but they can give you the tools to cope with whatever is thrown at you.

Are You Committed to Happiness?

Commitments are powerful. They are life transforming. When you commit to doing something, doors open and paths appear. When you commit in word and action, people appear to support you in your quest. Commitment leads to change. Decide what you are committed to and your life will change in that direction.

What is a commitment? Merriam-Webster, an Encyclopedia Britannica Company, defines commitment as "an agreement or pledge to do something in the future." I like this definition because it does not include "obligation," "financial risk," or "emotional promise." It is merely an agreement or pledge that you willingly and noncoercively have decided to do.

A true commitment involves a sense of "No matter what."

No matter what happens, I will continue eating less food or specific food as required by this diet.
No matter how I feel, I will exercise several days for at least one hour every week.
No matter how my partner responds, I will maintain my own state of equilibrium and reduce my own stress.
No matter how much money I make, I will manage my bills and save a specific amount each month.
No matter how long it takes, I will develop the required skills and learn how to....
No matter how I feel, I will find a way to be happy in any given circumstance.

Happiness is a mental state. It is built on internal, not external, realities. Regardless of the external circumstances, we can choose to be happy in any given moment. In fact, there is a system known as the "Science of Happiness," which seeks to apply the scientific method to determine what happiness is and how we might attain it. Wikipedia cites a quote from Martin Seligman and Mihaly Csikszentmihaly "We believe that a psychology of positive human functioning will arise that achieves a scientific understanding and effective interventions to build thriving in individuals, families, and communities." The goal of this scientifically derived, positive psychology, is to enable others to thrive, not to just survive.

What would it be like for you to make a commitment to happiness? Do you believe you can actually make the choice and decide to be happy? Can you make this choice into an actual commitment? Can you decide that you are committed to being happy, no matter what lemons life might present you with?

Once you truly make a commitment, any commitment, the universe has a way of first showing you the opposite of what you are striving for. That means, you will be tested and you may be tempted to give up and forget your dream. But if you hang in there, hold on to your commitment - no matter what - miracles may happen. And you may find yourself so happy, most of the time, that you never believed such happiness was possible.

Are you willing to make a commitment to happiness?

How To Manifest Anything or THE Missing Piece Of The Law Of Attraction Puzzle:

...Or How To Be In Vibrational Harmony With Money, Love, And Success

how to manifest anything: moneyHow to Manifest Anything or the Missing Piece of the Law of Attraction Puzzle

We all want to manifest our wants and needs. We all want miracles. We all want some divine assistance to solve our problems. But...

How to Manifest Anything or the Missing Piece of the Law of Attraction Puzzle: Desire or How to Be in Vibrational Harmony With Money, Love, and Success

Some religions preach to you to suppress your desires. They say that it's the root of all evil. Maybe even a sin. Christianity, Buddhism... to mention the ones I know. Kabbalah teaches you to awaken desire, that is how to manifest anything. Continue reading "How To Manifest Anything or THE Missing Piece Of The Law Of Attraction Puzzle:"

The Anatomy Of Guidance: Ask For Guidance And Get The Guidance. Bagdad Cafe

spiritual guidance not liquor guidanceGuidance: How to Ask And Get Guidance

I have been asking for guidance, ever since I discovered that I can.

According to Kabbalah, an 6000-year body of knowledge, the mistake I need to correct in this lifetime is thinking and behaving like there is nothing and no one who can know better than me.

My life had been, before my discovery, an exact match to that behavior, not very attractive, is it? Continue reading "The Anatomy Of Guidance: Ask For Guidance And Get The Guidance. Bagdad Cafe"

Will Practicing Compassion Make You A Better Human Being?

compassion, an entirely human god qualityHow To Raise Your Vibration? Become A Better Human Being, Practice Compassion

What is good: the definition

The first question that you should ask when I suggest you become a better human being, is "what do you mean: better?"

So far I have never had anyone ask that question. Why is that? Because we live our lives based on assumptions.

One assumption is that we fully understand the meaning of the words we hear.

As a foreigner I learned every single word. And struggled mightily with five-dollar words that describe a better human being.

I came to the USA when I was 38 years old. I had 29 years of academic study under my belt. I had read thousands of books. I had watched hundreds of movies. I spoke 4 languages fluently, and 3 more badly. Continue reading "Will Practicing Compassion Make You A Better Human Being?"

Paris In The Spring Or The Benefits Of An Empty Mind

Paris in the spring with Paris Hilton shoesParis in the spring... nice thought.

Stay with me for a moment!

I am part of a study group. We go to seminars together to learn integrity so we can live an unpredictably great life.

This past Sunday, when the sun was shining and it was the first nice-weather weekend of the year, five out of the seven members of the group forgot to call our conference line on Sunday. Paris in the spring...

The seminar leader suggested we declare a breakdown. "What's declaring a breakdown?" Asked one of the members innocently.

I volunteered to write a little essay (that is like a one-page scientific paper, lol) and sent it out to everyone. And then the s-h-i-t hit the fan.
Continue reading "Paris In The Spring Or The Benefits Of An Empty Mind"

The 9/11 of Japan, desire to receive for the self alone, A Spiritual Interpretation

earthquake in japanEnd Of Times, The Earthquake, The Tsunami, The Nuclear Threat, Hydrogen Peroxide, desire to receive for the self alone, A Spiritual Interpretation

Why did the earthquake in Japan happen, what about the tsunami and the threat of radiation from the nuclear plant, desire to receive for the self alone? A spiritual interpretation

There are two major attitudes that "humanity" uses to look at an event. Both are desire to receive for the self alone.

  • 1. personal. the question is asked? why me? how did I deserve this? or "father, why did you forsake me?"
  • 2. global i.e. not personal. The tone is blame and "there is nothing I can do about it" "I am not at fault" and the like.

Both attitudes are faulty and driven by ego and a profound misunderstanding of how it all works.

Are you living to survive or are you in a quest for a life worth living? Who are your guides?

Stalin should have learned from his cat alter-ego guidesAre you living to survive or are you in a quest for a life worth living? Who are your guides?

This article is about guidance. Not about how you find it, but who to listen to. How to pick your guides... Who to listen to, what to listen to.

What gives you your life depends more on the people you listen to than anything else.

If you want to find out where your life is heading, look closely at the different aspects of your closest guides, TV, gurus, emails, books, movies, friends, co-workers (gossip) and make a note how they live in the main areas of life: fulfillment (vocation), health (physical, mental and spiritual), connections (relationships), and being rewarded and valued (finances).

Your life's trajectory, where your life is heading, is going to be a weighted average of these guides' life trajectory... More time with the news? the lower it goes in all areas. More time with high vibration people? the higher it goes, at least in the areas where those people are vibrating higher. The more materialistic and forceful your guides are, the more forceful, stressful, and the less satisfying your life will become. The more inauthentic your guides are, the more permission you get to be inauthentic. And inauthenticity is death, in another name. Continue reading "Are you living to survive or are you in a quest for a life worth living? Who are your guides?"

Junctures, Paradigm Jumping, It Is Never Too Late To Have A Happy Childhood, Choices

choicesChoices: It Is Never Too Late To Have A Happy Childhood

You can change your past. Much like in the movie trilogy, Back to the future, you can change your present that way.

Some 24 years ago, (I have told you I've been at this transformation thing for a long time, l.o.l.) I created and ran a group that was called: "Playground: it is never too late to have a happy childhood"

I was especially attracted to that title, because my childhood was really crummy, and I hoped that it was going to work for me.

Though it didn't do much for me, it did a whole lot for the participants. Wholly unpredictable changes occurred: I didn't have any explanation for what happened, but people transformed in front of my very eyes, turned from bitter into sweet and accommodating, two of the group miraculously cured from their impotence, got married, etc. etc. Continue reading "Junctures, Paradigm Jumping, It Is Never Too Late To Have A Happy Childhood, Choices"