I thought I would share something I haven't talked about in a long while... And that is your memories. Your pain memories... specifically.
We all have it. And they are, for most people, packed away, in some fat, or some muscle, joint... like any other toxin.
Life is smart. You cannot be very effective with life, very present, if you have to deal with pain that can't be resolved... emotional pain.
Many people go to classes to rid themselves of the pain, but these classes don't work very well. Why? Because when you retell the story, you get caught in the story instead of feeling the pain. You feel the "marker feelings" the words awaken, but not the original pain. 1
The pain is NOT in the story... stories are words. But the pain is real, and the words, the story, push the pain further out of reach.
Your reactive nature and dark side attacks: how does it work?
Yesterday was an interesting day. I distinguished something new. It was all easier, because something happened that was unusual.
Within three minutes three separate orders came in for Heaven on Earth, my energy bundle to ease your emotional pain. At the same exact time I was doubling over with feeling horrible anguish and the desire to just disappear, die, whatever.
Almost the entire month of May I'd felt good. I was more productive than any other time in my life. I was clear, I was well.
Now, you may not have noticed, but the fact that you feel good is a non-event. You only notice that you felt good when something happens and suddenly you don't feel good.
This is exactly what happened to me. I suddenly was plagued with anguish, extreme anguish, and when I muscle tested, it came from no one, but when I asked: Is this a Dark Side attack? The answer was Yes.
The First Step To Find Your Own Self Is Distinguishing What Is The False Self, What Is The "Not You".
Here is a spiritual practice I'd like you to start:
A character in Herman Hesse's novel 'Demian' says the following: "I live in my dreams. Other people live in dreams, but not in their own."
Whose dreams do YOU live in?
What is the source of the fantasies that dominate your imagination? Are they the authentic outpourings of your own soul Self? Or did they originate with your parents and teachers and lovers? Did they sneak into you from the movies and songs and books you love? Are they the skewed result of the emotional wounds you endured or the limitations you've gotten used to?
Now is an excellent time to take inventory.
Find out how close you are to living in your own dreams
So, what is this spiritual practice?
As I say in all my articles about the Self, and I say in everything about say about the Avatar State audio activators, it is most important to shed the fake self by distinguishing it.
But, of course, unless you have some relevant questions to ask, you don't know which aspect of the person you think you are is fake and which aspects may be real.
For the most part, for a starting point, it is safe to declare that everything that's going to show up is your fake self.
A business I started 25 years ago needs to be shut down. It wasn't a self-expression for me for about 10 years now. But closing a business is much like getting a divorce, so I was just plodding along until it is costing money instead of making me money.
It's not very complicated, actually it is much easier, technically, thank a divorce: you just shut down the websites, and cancel a few contracts with suppliers.
But there is a very interesting aspect of this, that I would have not guessed without actually starting the process myself: the process is largely irreversible, like death. Fear of death, fear of commitment. Fear of loss.
I am watching myself. Of course, half of the feelings I feel are not mine: it seems that a close friend of mine is going through similar issues. His anguish is stronger than mine.
Warning: lots of footnotes in this article, don't miss them!
The simple answer to the question: "Does thinking about something bring that thing about?" is no it doesn't. But it is not for the reason you think. It is because thinking about does not connect you to what you are thinking about.
They say in business: whatever you give your attention to, whatever you measure 2 will grow.
What is attention? Where does it come from? What is the nature of attention?
Attention is one distinct aspect of a human being. It is not mind, it is not eyes, it is not intention, not visualization, not thinking about, not even thinking. The starting point of attention, emphatically located, is in the backside of the eyes, or thereabout. 3
Attention is much like a search light, a narrow beam search light. It has a direction, but, unlike search light, it has power. It is able to move your Self to what it directs itself to. This is my interpretation, not necessarily the Truth, but darn close to it. The Self can move with the attention into the object of the attention, like an energy. 4
You can't be casual and move your attention. You can't be thinking about stuff and move your attention at the same time. You can't worry and move your attention to anything other than your worry. You need to be clear to move your attention.
When you actually move your attention you will notice that you put power behind it.
Intelligence is operational when there is no thinking, there are no thoughts. You can only detect that intelligence is growing by detecting that there are less thoughts.
One of the main causes of anxiety and anguish is living through the mind, not ever being in the present moment, not ever being in the here-and-now. You can only be intelligent in the here-and-now. Any departure from the now moment causes anguish and unintelligent ways of living and making decisions.
One of the things my Activate Divinity Course (closed) accomplishes is returning people to being whole and complete. It is almost impossible to be intelligent unless you are reasonable whole and complete, no parts suppressed, no aspects of you abandoned, denied.
You want unconditional love so much that you miss it...
How do you miss something? You miss everything if you are not in the present. If you don't feel. If you don't enjoy. If you keep your attention on some hope or desire that will come in the future. Like the coming of the Messiah... you'll miss it. You have been missing it.
As I am working through people's issues in the Activate Divinity Course, I am running into this phenomenon: something bad happens and they are hurt. But hurt not just on the surface, they are deeply hurt.
Example #1: your mother tells you to beware and not go far out on the ocean. "What does she know?" you say and you swim out only to find that the under-toe took you so far, you can't see anything but water all around.
Your mother is an excellent swimmer, finds you, saves you, and then spanks you, and yells. As a child you can't deal with that seeming controversy. You expect to be just loved or just beaten, but not both. Your little mind wants to crack, so you hide the real cause of that conflict: you expected to be loved unconditionally, and this does not look right.
Example #2: you steal doll clothes in the store. Your parents find it and punish you: same thing.
When you are not something, nothing is enough proof that you aren't... you can only prove something that is... not the absence of it.
I left off the article yesterday that in preparation to Saturday's Activate Divinity, I found and integrated a fragment of my self.
Here is the incident how come I lost that fragment:
When I was three and a half years old, I was raped. I was washed up and taken home. My mother heard the story, looked at me, said "you are a whore" and turned away in disgust.
I didn't know what whore meant, and surely I didn't know that it had anything to do with sex. I didn't know about sex. Sex didn't happen to me.
What I did know is this: in the basement apartment lived a family that moved there, to the mountain where we lived, because their daughter had tuberculosis. The clean air of the mountain is said to cure that.
She was a beautiful girl, about 17 at the time. She dressed beautifully. She wore expensive clothes, quite in contrast with their apartment and anyone I knew.
My mother called her a whore too.
The association, nice clothing, with the passing years extended to personal hygiene, to keeping my clothes clean, keeping my room clean, to money... It never even gone close to sex... weird, isn't it?
I left it off that I hardly understood any of the three-day course, and yet...
Since then I have distinguished (don't forget, this was 27 years ago!) that mind-learning, understanding, actually stands in the way of transformation. Transformation happens as a result of an insight, but the mind is only capable of intellectual insights, and they are worthless, or better said: a dime a dozen. Almost worthless, lol.
So here we are, midday day 3 of the Communication Workshop. The sun is blasting, it is late August in Israel. We are asked to stand up and mingle. I look out the window. The room is on the top of a mountain that is surrounded on three sides with the beautiful blue water of the Mediterranean. Breathtaking.
We are asked to find a new partner to share with. My new partner is gorgeous. He is of Yemenite origin, a Yemenite Jew. Tall, wild looking, lean and sexy. We are asked to make a list of all the people we have a bad or so-so relationship with. My mom is on the top of my list, of course.
Then the leader, a fellow architect, asks us to cross out number one and number two from our list. I gasp. My father is number three... eggad... this is going to be bad.