Why unconditional “love” is damaging, and why setting conditions is healthy… even loving?

My new 20-day skill learning challenge is to listen and internalize 20 videos by Hungarian, now dead, psychologist, Peter Popper.

Why am I doing this challenge? What will this give me?

I am self-taught... or more precisely: I have an education that is hodge podge, eclectic: I gathered knowledge from all over the place, and I have gaping holes, that until this day I had no idea where to fill or how.

The gaping holes are so big, that some of my students could slip through: Whatever I knew didn't help them to become all they can become.

With that said, I listened to a Dr. Popper masterclass on youtube, sadly, it is in Hungarian, with subtitles that you need to set to your own language...

Dr Popper's masterclasses, a whole lot of them, have 60% truth value, 30% of what he says fills in my gaping holes. Continue reading "Why unconditional “love” is damaging, and why setting conditions is healthy… even loving?"

Are you building your self-esteem around things that hurt you?

shackledI am going to quote an email from Tai Lopez, because it is so useful.

He talks about a conversation with the founder of Quest bars... A protein bar I would never touch... but the guy is smart, at least what he says here is very smart, and I wish I had said what he said: (I got stuck at a few sentences, so I changed them around hoping they make more sense that way)

When I asked him what was ONE lesson he learned while scaling his business at a rate of 57,000% in just 3 years, this is what he told me:

"It matters a lot what you build your self-esteem around. Most people build their self-esteem around having the right answer, being right, being good, being smart -- all of those things are a death trap.
Continue reading "Are you building your self-esteem around things that hurt you?"

Still think memes are innocent?

I have been talking about the memes... and it seems that I haven't spoken clearly the point.

So let me take a stab at it, and I'll try until it's so clear that most people will get it.

A meme is a though form. Words. Some rule, some principle, some saying that says something about how the world works, how you should be, and what is good and bad.

The Tree of Knowledge houses the memes. They live their incestuous life there and they come from there to infect you. Continue reading "Still think memes are innocent?"

What is your Self, your Dharma? Can you find it? Can you define yourself?

I have been doing a lot of work while I seemingly do nothing... or not much.

Something is driving me...

I used to say it this way: "I can't do no other"...

I am very fond of weirdly worded things, because they poke a hole in the cultural fabric and allow things to be seen that normally are hidden behind the fabric...

One of the issues people would struggle if they gave a hoot, if they really understood that it's crucial to get, is what is coming from where... What is coming from their insides and what is peripheral to them.

One example is what is the motive power of your actions? Does it come from the inside, or does it come from the outside?

Here is an article that is right on the money:

The difference between ambition and desire

Ambition & desire are two seemingly similar ideas but in reality are concepts that have a world of difference. Ambition is the desire for achievement, while desire in its most raw form is just pure greed and avarice. While it is perfectly reasonable to be ambitious it really does not bode well if we are too desirous of something.

Oftentimes we get confused with the philosophy of the Bhagavad Gita (Hindu Holy book) desireless actions. We think that this basically means going through life in a mechanical way without any ambition. We then start to drift aimlessly in life.

Ambition is very important in life. It is the chief motivator that propels us to be achieve great things, It makes us want to do better in life. However pure desire is bad. Desire for power, wealth or fame is extremely bad and in fact can tempt people to use dishonest means.

Ambition is never affected by evil thoughts. Ambition is pure. It is the driving force which makes us do things, to get better in life.

Ambition propels us to great heights while craving or wanton desire can really result in a person's downfall.

So while we should be ambitious we should really avoid greed and avarice.
Source: https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/20141106045813-51482884-the-difference-between-ambition-and-desire/

The same question applies to the issue: what is your Self? Who are you?

Most people, when they attempt to answer that question, Who are you?, they talk about their religion, ethnicity, profession, gender... but these are all external to them.

The only thing that is internal is what you can fully generate. Cause. Change.

So what can you generate? Can you change your gender? Not really... but you can be responsible for it. Can you change it? Just ask the transgender people... you cannot change it, because gender is not what sexual organs you have... it is a lot more than that.

Can you change your feelings? No, not really. The therapist that are good at that, like Katie, and to some degree Abraham/Hicks, they use changing words to change how you feel.

  • You can change how you look, but you are not your looks.
  • You can change your behavior, but somehow, underneath the thin veneer, it is still you there... wretched you, for the most part.

So is there a Self you can find when you peel away all the external? Is there a Self there?

The truth is that the answer is yes and no.

You are following some drummer, you have internalized some rules and ideals, but when you scratch them... they are really still external in source to you... and you really can't change them.

The only "thing" that is fully internal to you is your word.

I don't mean it in the "watch your word because it will come true" pollyanna way... I don't mean it in some positive thinking b.s. way. I don't mean it the "What the bleep do we know" way where the deaf girl in the movie writes Love on her body...

Those words are still external to you. 1

And yet, you can create with your word. Let me retype it correctly: Your Word.

Most of us live as if our word is just noise... Very few of us live like we have Word.

But why? Because Word is sacred, and when you violate something sacred, then it stops being special: it becomes what word has become to you: cheap.

Last night I read my notes from a Landmark Seminar, Integrity. The notes were from 2003. I'd just came out from five years of brain damaged living. I was rebuilding Self... one word at a time.

Rarely one gets to see how far one has come...

What I needed to do first is create a bond, a sacred bond between word and action. Between word and self.

Inventing ways of being with word, and then allow that word to be like a torch, allow me to see the path at its light, allow it to shed light at ways of being that are consistent with those words. Consistent with Word.

Only when Word is your Self, when you honor your Word as your Self, that you have integrity, and start living as a human being.

Word is the key, Word is the divider, Word is the Holy Grail.

Word is the beginning and the end of the vertical plane. In fact, Word is all of it.

To the degree you honor your word as your Self, to the degree your vibration is high or low.

But Sophie, where does Ambition and Desire come into this picture?

Ambition, curiosity, the hallmarks of a producer were all activated by word, with Word.

Even though we are all born with a lot of ambition, only those of us are able to use it as motive power, those of us that have acknowledged and connected that innate, intrinsic power with Word.

Is it too late for you?

Honestly, I don't know. Because unless your word has power, the answer is yes.

So how do you give power to your word?

I remember when I first encountered this question, in 1985, I thought it was the tone of voice, the amount of air you used to push the word out.

But no matter the tone of voice, no matter the amount of air, what gives your word power, what makes it eventually Word, is whether you honor it as your Self or not.

If you live like word is cheap, if you live like word is whatever comes out of your mouth, if you live like there is word for you and there is word for the public, your word will never become Word, and you'll never have a Self... your every word creates a self... but because all words say something different, All those words, uttered without the intention to BE that, gel into a mess... and that is what you feel you are.

You are a mess of things you said. No rhyme, no reason. Contradictions galore.

I have shared with you that at some point the work pays off, and you can tell the difference between word and Word.

I often think (thinking is words!) that I can't... and then I find myself doing what I thought I could not do.

You, more often, catch yourself, find yourself doing what you said you wouldn't do... right?

And that tells the whole story: your word has no power. What is calling the shot is not your word. But something external to you: desire, appetite, hunger, sex drive, need, neediness, laziness, pleasure seeking, the desire to control another.

No Word: No Self.

Ambition is inner drive spoken clearly. Spoken into existence. For no reason.

PS: Everyone is looking for guidance. Everyone wants to be told what their Dharma, their life's purpose should be.

This looking, this seeking is the most inauthentic thing you do.

When the guidance comes, you reserve your right to say no. Or to pretend that you accept it but do nothing with it. Or do the opposite... or do it a little bit.

Your relationship to guidance, inner or outer, is the same as your level of integrity.

Integrity has three levels: the basic level is that you keep your promises, do what you said you would do without cutting corners. The second level is to be true to YOUR principles and ideals (NOT STANDARDS!) and the third is "honor your Word as your Self".

Just like any building, if the foundation is leaky, the building won't stand.

Integrity, being whole and complete with no parts missing, is a building. You cannot pretend to be true to your Word, to honor your Word as your Self if you are late, or lie, or speak from two sides of the mouth, if you gossip, or if you live like your principles only apply to other people.

Without integrity nothing work, without integrity your life is a chaos, a mess, and unworkable.

But, or course, your vibration shows that integrity is far from your mind. Your Bach Energy® profile shows the many ways you are out of integrity... and you may have never meant to be in integrity.

Once you get it, you can tackle it one Bach Energy at a time.

You'll have a chance to upgrade it to the full Monty... to see all the ways you fall short of the perfection you crave... But once you have the map, you have the path... Really.

PPS: There are a lot of memes floating out there promoting that you create your own self. But you have no idea how to create... so those memes are toxic. Come back to here... and do the work to create your relationship with your word. With Word... without that you create NOTHING. Not a thing... EVER.

PPPS: here is an article that starts out promising

Do You Define Yourself and Your Life Negatively?

By Samuel Gentoku McCree
Growing up on military bases I learned to make friends quickly. My family moved a half dozen times before I was out of the second grade, so I didn’t have many other options. But while living on base it was easy, because all us military brats were in the same boat.

In third grade my dad retired from the Air Force and we went to live in a small town just south of Nashville, Tennessee. Once we moved everything changed. Instead of living with the sons and daughters of service families, I went to school with the children of the southern nouveaux riche.
New Kid In Town

Instead of making friends quickly, I struggled. I was teased and I developed quite the temper. I acted out in class and one day on the playground I tackled one kid and drug him several feet by his hair.

Though getting picked on was hard, what was worse was what I started doing to myself. But once I started, it was hard to stop. To this day this habit still haunts me in big and small ways.
Accentuate the Negative

What I started doing to myself in third grade was defining myself in the negative. I started believing and telling myself I wasn’t likable. I wasn’t like the other kids. I was outside the group.

Now, in some ways this was true. I was different from the other kids in ways. But my difference was situational, not inherent. I just didn’t realize that.

I thought there was something wrong with me. I took this thought and internalized it; I turned it into a story about myself, and then I told it again and again.
A Not So True Story

It became true for me, perhaps in the same way some of your stories have become true for you. Now I’m 32 years old and I still am afraid that I’m not likable. I struggle to make friends even though I’m social and outgoing.

I discount the friends I have and struggle to trust that they really like me. All because of this definition that I wrote for myself when I was in the third grade.

But I know it doesn’t have to be like this. I don’t have to live trapped by these old definitions. For all the definitions I still have I have overcome many others.
Overcoming Obstacles

For years I smoked pot and defined myself as a stoner. Now that I don’t smoke and rarely drink, I now prefer being alert and attentive. I no longer define myself as a stoner.

For years I was argumentative about everything. “Yes, but,” were probably the first word most people heard me say. Though I can still hold my own in a debate, I don’t feel the need to constantly object in every setting. In high school everyone you asked would have said I like to argue. But now people talk about how calm I am.

The same thing that makes defining yourself powerful is what makes overcoming it possible. The only person who decides how you define yourself is you.

Sure, people reflect that definition back to you, but if you stop doing it so will they. It’s not an easy thing to change, but it is changeable. And you can do it in 4 steps.
Notice.

Start paying attention to moments when you define yourself... the rest of the article

Doing The Dishes, Kaizen, Boundaries

dirty dishes, kaizen, kabbalahAs difficult as dirty dishes can be, they're even worse when you let them sit for a while. And the longer they sit, the harder they are to clean.

This is life. Something that is potentially easy to clean up right after it happens - an unkind word to your father, a lie to your best friend, an insensitivity to your girlfriend - can become a difficult mess if you don't deal with it now.

Do the dishes today.

I have been thinking about Kaizen a lot. Kaizen can be the saving grace for a lot of people, because Kaizen is a way of life, a non-threatening way, but it is an awake way, and most of us are not awake, get jolted out of our sleepwalking by big things only. I am awake, and Kaizen is for me.

So I decided to use Kaizen to ease back into exercising. Since I stopped exercising, my face aged 10-20 years. That is a lot. I used to have no wrinkles, now I have folds, and wrinkles inside the folds... not pretty.

I have no special occasion to be pretty at, I just think that looking into the mirror should be a joyous occasion, not an occasion to berate myself.

So I am now doing 15 seconds of the exercise I used to do. I am happy. It is starting to show on my face. Hm.

Another Kaizen thing: in airplane bathrooms there is a sign that says something like this: would you be so kind as to use your paper towel to clean the sink before you throw it away?

Very Kaizen. Imagine going to the bathroom and someone's soapy dirty washwater is still in the sink. (The airplane sink stopper needs to be manually lifted, otherwise it stops the water from emptying...) I would never wash my hand again on an airplane. But with that little Kaizen note, most 99% of the passengers follow the instructions, and everyone washes their hand. (I think that sign also reminds people to wash their hands, which many people don't see a reason for... ).

And the third Kaizen example I read about in a Kaizen book, and it is about Toyota. The factory. They learned Kaizen from Americans... who would have thought... from Americans.

At Toyota, manufacturing cars happens on the assembly line. Nothing new there. In a normal assembly line everyone is concerned only about their part of the assembly, and the occasional errors are noticed and corrected, or not noticed and not corrected at the quality control station.

Toyota's then CEO installed a rope switch above every workstation along the assembly line, where workers were asked to pull the rope every time they noticed an error in the work on the half-assembled car in front of them. The pull stopped the assembly line, they corrected the error, and pulled again to re-start...

It was a heretic idea, going counter with mass production. American auto manufacturers, that relied on quality control, had thousands of cars recalled, paid billions in restitution for tiny errors that weren't corrected right after they happened.

Toyota went on to become the most reliable car. 250K cars are still sold and they run the highways: it is commonplace, while even an "error-free" American car would be proud to run till 200K.

Which leads me to the "boundaries" part.

It is still my cat that is on my mind. Or my previous failed relationship. Or my previous failed New Year resolution. Where, in all circumstances, I ignored, put up with, tolerated, shut a blind eye to a small aberration, a small violation of my boundaries, a little mistake, a little skipping... and they all became the core of a snow ball and destroyed an otherwise hopeful relationship, or my health, or my results.

Do the dishes soon after they get dirty. And stay awake. I have learned my lesson.