Hidden stuff, suppressed stuff, when it has a chance to spill out, has a tendency to reek (smell bad) and wreak havoc.
I am reading a book that heals by digging out such stuff... it doesn't stop there, you'll see.
Anyway, I am reading it, and obviously the mind has a tendency to dig along with the clients, dig along with what you read... no, my mind has the tendency to dig along, after all, I know the value of digging.
So, I must have dug quite a little, because I didn't want to get up today. Then I had a digging conversation with a friend I wanted to start a business with and decided not to pursue the business. Then I read an email request for a private session outside of my schedule and the s**t hit the fan.
I felt offended, I felt violated, I was irate. After all people should ask for a time slot I have available, not something else... right?
The reaction was off the wall disproportionate to the trigger: after all I know how to say no, right? Baaaah!
Oh ho, something big got unearthed!
I dug deep in my personal history to see what this email triggered. I found tons of incidents with injustice, asking for what I didn't want to give, or didn't have, and accusing me of being bad, or unkind.
Most of the incidents "starred" my mother. I found myself sobbing. The incidents happened 50-60 years ago. I wrecked my brain to recall an incident that was pleasant, but each lead to another direction of horrific incidents, teachers abusing little kids, doctors fondling little kids, horror, oh horror.
Finally I found something that had no negative anything: my mom had a black currant bush in her cottage garden and she used to make me back currant preserves. Just for me. I love those: they are tart with a hint of sweetness. I haven't had anything like that for over 30 years. Now I can call myself "the daughter for whom my mother made black currant preserves", instead of all the horrid stuff.
It is hard to believe that a small positive memory used as a mantra can alter my relationship to abuse, abusive people, users, and such. It seems to be working. I'll keep at it. Being personally offended is one of the most unpleasant feelings I can feel.
On another note, this whole upset thing didn't start today.
In fact it started with me downloading the first set of activators for real love. The activators covered 9% of real love... and true to form I came unglued. All activators first do that to me: it lasts anywhere from 3-5 days, and then I have a lifetime of bliss with the elevated consciousness.
Continue reading "Bits and Pieces of Love and more… Personal stuff, love activator"