You can be in love with yourself and yet not love yourself

I just finished listening to a 30-minute audio where the dude was sharing how great he was, what great things he does, and how much money he was going to make with it.

I muscle tested. His narcissistic measure from the Starting Point Measurements) was 99%.

Then I muscle tested if he loves himself… and the answer was no.

Self love is a function of integrity.

His level of integrity is 1%.

Why so low?

Because the context is all about him, building himself up, tooting his own horns, and it is fully and wholly desire to receive for the self alone.

I have literally stopped buying his products, or attending his live classes I have been paying for. I listen to the replays, but won’t go and sit there hating him, and feeling dumped upon, or being sold.

So what is going on, and what is underneath this behavior?

This is one of the attitudes, one of the behaviors that bother me a lot. This is when someone positions themselves higher than they have ‘earned’ to be.

It is not rare, it is almost everyone, whether it evident through their words or not.

What am I talking about?

You, for example, think you are not good enough… so it wouldn’t apply to you, right?


It is part of the human condition even though it defies any reasonable thinking.

  • You have two selves. One that is your imaginary self who can do things. Who can rescue puppies, and talk to thousands… in your imagination.
  • And then you have the person, the self, who bumbles through life, and can’t do anything right… all in comparison. Comparison with the hero self… who doesn’t exist.

The tension between them, the judgment between them, the dislike between them is what gives you your quality of life.


That dude who is a perfect 10 in everything in his imagination is really a seven or less in everything he does.

Not a big gap? Tell him that. He, unconsciously, compares himself with perfection, and he suffers. He knows. And he knows that his life is a lie…

He can’t tolerate just being a good guy, he has to be the best of the best.

And he can’t.

And he suffers.

I see this or versions of this in my clients…

Most won’t do a lick of work, but that is not what I am talking about. I am talking about the two selves, the self-hate, the ‘can’t tolerate being just a guy’ syndrome.

Most people have a bigger than big gap between their two selves, the imaginary, the ideal, the unreal, and the actual person who is doing things in reality.

Until you are likeable to yourself, you are not likeable to others either.

So what can you do if your two selves are not able to like each other?

You may need to ‘attack’ this issue from two sides. You want to get the two selves closer so they can hug.

Lowering your self-evaluation, your ideal is the more effective of these two actions, but you may still need to do both to get the two selves closer.

You need to lower the bar…

One of my clients decided to get up an hour earlier every day… and she managed a few times, but after a while she hated it.

So she decided to reduce that time to 15 minutes earlier, get used to it, and then add another 15 minutes.

I do it differently. I have a sleep app on my mobile that wakes me up, gently, between 4:15 and 5 am. And I wake up at some point between 4 and 5, and turn off the app. And decide if I’d slept enough.

Most mornings the answer is no, and I sleep another hour.

I get up rested, I am in control, and I still get up before the sun gets up.

I feel good about myself. If you think into it: I don’t live by some arbitrary rule, set by some ideal. I allowed my body tell me what to do.

My two selves hug each other. The client’s selves: not yet, maybe not ever.

The difference: I think the difference is that my actions come from me causing myself, and hers from a need to conform some outside ideal.

  • Causing myself is from the inside. A natural intrinsic force… flexible, loving, and therefore even comfortable.
  • Meeting a rule is never comfortable… or intrinsic, or flexible, or loving. It is a black and white, systemic level of force.

And here is another little piece to the question many people ask:

How do I know what level of vibration I have?

Just look, just observe your inner dialog with yourself, with the little voices.

If they are black and white, good or bad, right or wrong, those are low vibration conversations.

To the degree you live in the right and wrong, to the same degree your vibration is low.

Watch to what degree they dominate your actions, your thoughts, your feelings.

And now you know. The degree.

When you liberate yourself from that systemic level, you suddenly have more room for yourself to do things the way they feel natural, more room to make mistakes and correct them, more room for reality to be the way it is.

And you may even start experiencing feelings of self-love, and feelings of loving your life. Maybe loving the people in your life. Maybe loving the work you do.

But not before.

People say that they love their work. But they are lying by omission. They hate most of it, and love only the moments when they can be the hero… the rare moments of brilliance.

That dude above could be a happy camper if he could let go of wanting to be perfect. He could look at his disheveled ’empire’ and say: growing pains. I bit off more than I can chew… but there is no hurry on the creative plane.

Chances that he’ll do that? None.

His vibration? Oscillates between 100 and 200…

Perfection doesn’t have a scale. It is like pregnant. It is a systemic level of judgment. And a misery maker.

The way to liberate yourself from that misery is to look in reality.

Here are the ‘rules’ to know if you are in reality or not:

In reality there is no ‘no’. No kinds of nos. Nothing missing. What isn’t there doesn’t show up on the radar… What isn’t good enough doesn’t show up on the radar as not good enough, they show up as they are. Things that are there are there and that is that.

So in reality all an action is what action is going on, and what is not happening doesn’t show up anywhere in reality.

Things have no meaning whatsoever. No meanings… Not even as simple as ‘yelling’… all talking is talking. Some louder than others, but so what?

All facial expressions are just facial muscles moving. So there is no anger, no smiling, no frowning, none of that in reality.

You did what you did, and the results are obviously what results you produced. Not enough? enough is an unreality word. good is an unreality word. bad: ditto.

Now, if you paid attention, the method I used here is inversion to distinguish reality for you. Whether I did it successfully or unsuccessfully will depend on your abilities.

Distinguishing, the tool of high vibration individuals, may be out of your reach. You may still opt to describe, define, and fill the item you want to know with adjectives, adverbs… and never know what the heck you are actually aiming to know. You will stay in unhappy land, confusion, and lying.

In a session of the last Integrity Course I taught this. It was the last session, and most people opted not to come, so I was working with just two people… and I could get more and deeper work done than usual.

The course was all about self-love… Self-love is a function of integrity.

I taught a piece that I myself didn’t get until just today. It’s this: if your rules you measure yourself against come from the outside, from some societal demand, and not from inside, you can’t and won’t be in integrity, because you can’t…

Anyway, I am offering you the last session of the 2021 Integrity Course. If you can grok it, you’ll love me for it.

I call it: How to move to and live the vertical plane

If you buy it because you SHOULD BE ABLE to grok it… you’ll disappoint yourself, but at least you’ll know where you are falling short. In distinguishing reality and living there… as much as you can.

So what do I REALLY teach in that session?

I teach you the secret of moving to the vertical plane of existence… we can safely call ‘heaven on earth’.

What is the alternative? The Valley of The Shadow of Death, the horizontal plane. The place where what isn’t is more important than what is, where you judge and are judged, where you are never enough, and of course you can’t love yourself.

Where the gap between who you are and who you should be is like a gaping wound.

Get the video
If there is enough demand for it, I’ll do a live session, maybe a whole course for that.

Self-love, self-hate… let’s dig deep on these, shall we?

self-hateIntegrity is an inside job. It is between you and yourself.

Everyone has two selves, one that is perfect, and the other that is flawed.

The perfect one is generous, loving, unconditionally. It is compassionate.

The flawed one KNOWS, i.e. assumes that it is judged, looked down upon, and is full of hatred, anger, fear, anxiety, rebellion, and expects to be loved and accepted the way it is… and even though is loved, and accepted… it can only feel its own emotions.

This is so with every emotion. You can’t feel the love that is coming towards you. You can only feel the love that you feel for the other, Your love. Your anger. Your hate.

So no matter how much the perfect self loves the flawed self, the flawed self will feel judged… hated, despised, etc.

I have been observing my clients and my students, and there is one common characteristic that only varies in intensity: and that is self-hate… and stinginess towards self… as in punishing the self for not being perfect. Continue reading “Self-love, self-hate… let’s dig deep on these, shall we?”

Going from hate and disgust to feeling good about yourself. From hate to love

from hate to loveOne of the few things I need to be aware and manage diligently is to not slip into hate and disgust about things or people. And when I do slip, to go from hate to love with them.

One of my ‘favorite’ ways to slip into hate and disgust has been to gossip about things or people… whom otherwise I love and cherish, but something about them irks me.

The solution is to make room for the imperfection, the part that irks me, and then I can love them, warts and all.

The secret is to rant first and accept second.

  • What most people do is suppress. It is wrong to hate your teacher, for example. Or your wife.
  • Or alternatively, they get stuck in hate. They don’t proceed to acceptance.

Continue reading “Going from hate and disgust to feeling good about yourself. From hate to love”

How do you know that I love you?

what does it take to love yourself?Everybody has a different criteria to say if someone loves someone else, or how to know.

Most people say it is a feeling. And truth be told, when you actually love someone, it does feel gentle, and expansive, and warm.

But that is not my question, or not really.

How do you know if someone loves YOU?

You definitely can’t feel it. Love is not an energy, even if some guru said that it is. So how do you know?

And here is where your definition, cultural and personal, comes to play.

Landmark Education’s definition is “love is a commitment to love… regardless of behavior, regardless of circumstances”
they also have another one, saying “love is accepting another exactly the way they are and exactly the way they aren’t” Continue reading “How do you know that I love you?”

How to fall in love with yourself… and why

Why? Why would you want to love yourself?

When you love yourself: you love your life. And that is the closest we know to be a happy person.

And you want to be happy, right? It feels like your birthright. Even though I can’t specifically point at anyone who is happy… it IS your birthright. Continue reading “How to fall in love with yourself… and why”

You don’t love yourself. You don’t respect yourself.

A little understood aspect of integrity that screws up your integrity…

Integrity is between you and you. There are things you do with other people, but integrity is an inside job… if you don’t like what you did, if you don’t think you did a good job, it doesn’t matter what other people think… you are not happy with yourself. Continue reading “You don’t love yourself. You don’t respect yourself.”

You want to be free… free to be yourself… but who are you? You don’t know yourself…

My first awakening, rude as it was, was in 1979. I was 32 years old, had won first prize in an architectural competition, and I was in a mental health facility as an inmate.

Depression… I was depressed…

I didn’t know I was an empath, so I have no idea how much of what I felt was mine…

One day in the big circle I said something that got me thrown out of that big circle group.

Next day I was asked to do a test: find out what I like and what I don’t. I spent a lot of time with that test, because, honestly, I didn’t know. I didn’t know what I liked and what I preferred.

They made me retake the test, and I failed again. Holy Mackerel… I had no “I”. I mean I did have an “I” that threw its weight around, that won competitions, that got thrown out of groups, that pontificated and sympathized with people…

And yet there was no solid “I”… an “I” I could return to to be true to myself, to refuel myself, to be free to be myself. Continue reading “You want to be free… free to be yourself… but who are you? You don’t know yourself…”

How to have self-love? And do narcissists love themselves?

How to have self-love? And why?

here is another article I wrote about this topic: self love

I have been struggling with this forever. Somewhere in the deep recesses of my mind there is a huge resistance to it…

I listen in… I don’t even have to put a pillow on my head… I can now hear it, just need to listen. Continue reading “How to have self-love? And do narcissists love themselves?”