If you play to win, always, you can’t get good at anything.

You may think that you want… That you really really want something. But the truth is: you really really NEED it… because you feel that without it you are… what? dead? a loser? what are you really afraid of?

Real want is energizer, real want is nurturing. You have no real wants. You have needs…and you are pitiful.

What happens if your ‘needs’ are dominating your life? If you are the 8-billion? Continue reading “If you play to win, always, you can’t get good at anything.”

I had been miserable for a few days till…

I had been miserable for a few days now…

So when this happens I pay attention.

Of course my attention is splintered: some of it goes into feeling sorry for myself, some of it to ‘fix’ the misery… or its seeming cause. and some of it to see what is REALLY going on.

I always say that if you can go through hell with your eyes open and with wide cone of vision, you are going to see what lead you there and what you can do to reduce the likelihood of going through hell again any time soon. Continue reading “I had been miserable for a few days till…”

You can be in love with yourself and yet not love yourself

I just finished listening to a 30-minute audio where the dude was sharing how great he was, what great things he does, and how much money he was going to make with it.

I muscle tested. His narcissistic measure from the Starting Point Measurements) was 99%.

Then I muscle tested if he loves himself… and the answer was no.

Self love is a function of integrity.

Continue reading “You can be in love with yourself and yet not love yourself”

Self-love, self-hate… let’s dig deep on these, shall we?

self-hateIntegrity is an inside job. It is between you and yourself.

Everyone has two selves, one that is perfect, and the other that is flawed.

The perfect one is generous, loving, unconditionally. It is compassionate.

The flawed one KNOWS, i.e. assumes that it is judged, looked down upon, and is full of hatred, anger, fear, anxiety, rebellion, and expects to be loved and accepted the way it is… and even though is loved, and accepted… it can only feel its own emotions.

This is so with every emotion. You can’t feel the love that is coming towards you. You can only feel the love that you feel for the other, Your love. Your anger. Your hate.

So no matter how much the perfect self loves the flawed self, the flawed self will feel judged… hated, despised, etc.

I have been observing my clients and my students, and there is one common characteristic that only varies in intensity: and that is self-hate… and stinginess towards self… as in punishing the self for not being perfect. Continue reading “Self-love, self-hate… let’s dig deep on these, shall we?”

Going from hate and disgust to feeling good about yourself. From hate to love

from hate to loveOne of the few things I need to be aware and manage diligently is to not slip into hate and disgust about things or people. And when I do slip, to go from hate to love with them.

One of my ‘favorite’ ways to slip into hate and disgust has been to gossip about things or people… whom otherwise I love and cherish, but something about them irks me.

The solution is to make room for the imperfection, the part that irks me, and then I can love them, warts and all.

The secret is to rant first and accept second.

  • What most people do is suppress. It is wrong to hate your teacher, for example. Or your wife.
  • Or alternatively, they get stuck in hate. They don’t proceed to acceptance.

Continue reading “Going from hate and disgust to feeling good about yourself. From hate to love”

How do you know that I love you?

what does it take to love yourself?Everybody has a different criteria to say if someone loves someone else, or how to know.

Most people say it is a feeling. And truth be told, when you actually love someone, it does feel gentle, and expansive, and warm.

But that is not my question, or not really.

How do you know if someone loves YOU?

You definitely can’t feel it. Love is not an energy, even if some guru said that it is. So how do you know?

And here is where your definition, cultural and personal, comes to play.

Landmark Education’s definition is “love is a commitment to love… regardless of behavior, regardless of circumstances”
they also have another one, saying “love is accepting another exactly the way they are and exactly the way they aren’t” Continue reading “How do you know that I love you?”

How to fall in love with yourself… and why

Why? Why would you want to love yourself?

When you love yourself: you love your life. And that is the closest we know to be a happy person.

And you want to be happy, right? It feels like your birthright. Even though I can’t specifically point at anyone who is happy… it IS your birthright. Continue reading “How to fall in love with yourself… and why”

You don’t love yourself. You don’t respect yourself.

A little understood aspect of integrity that screws up your integrity…

Integrity is between you and you. There are things you do with other people, but integrity is an inside job… if you don’t like what you did, if you don’t think you did a good job, it doesn’t matter what other people think… you are not happy with yourself. Continue reading “You don’t love yourself. You don’t respect yourself.”

You want to be free… free to be yourself… but who are you? You don’t know yourself…

My first awakening, rude as it was, was in 1979. I was 32 years old, had won first prize in an architectural competition, and I was in a mental health facility as an inmate.

Depression… I was depressed…

I didn’t know I was an empath, so I have no idea how much of what I felt was mine…

One day in the big circle I said something that got me thrown out of that big circle group.

Next day I was asked to do a test: find out what I like and what I don’t. I spent a lot of time with that test, because, honestly, I didn’t know. I didn’t know what I liked and what I preferred.

They made me retake the test, and I failed again. Holy Mackerel… I had no “I”. I mean I did have an “I” that threw its weight around, that won competitions, that got thrown out of groups, that pontificated and sympathized with people…

And yet there was no solid “I”… an “I” I could return to to be true to myself, to refuel myself, to be free to be myself. Continue reading “You want to be free… free to be yourself… but who are you? You don’t know yourself…”

How to have self-love? And do narcissists love themselves?

How to have self-love? And why?

here is another article I wrote about this topic: self love

I have been struggling with this forever. Somewhere in the deep recesses of my mind there is a huge resistance to it…

I listen in… I don’t even have to put a pillow on my head… I can now hear it, just need to listen. Continue reading “How to have self-love? And do narcissists love themselves?”