Disappointment is when you get something you didn’t expect.
I expected the readers to be here to get something, and not to give. And they didn’t disappoint.
I expected people to not see beyond their noses and they didn’t… but still, kudos to the ten brave souls that forced themselves to think something.
It was hard, wasn’t it? Now I am talking to those ten.
What would happen if you did this every day? You’ll start to build some serious muscle in problem solving, and by the time you actually need those muscles, you would have them.
I promised, you delivered, so I must tell you what happened next in that story.
You know that I blasted the little girl… and I did. I was like you: stopped on the surface.
But then: I didn’t sleep well. I woke up with a question:
is this seven year old little girl sexually abused?
I muscletested it, and the answer was yes. I closed my eyes and could see it… nothing too explicit, but intimacy, hugging, sleeping together… masturbating while the child is present.
I called the mother and broke it to her.
She had the signs. The child even said, after a month or so of being left alone with the father: “Daddy really messed me up.” she said.
But she, the mother, thought, nah, he is religious, he wouldn’t do such a thing.
And she was planning to leave her with the father alone… a lot, to pursue her own interests, to spend time with the son who was much nicer.
Crying, carrying on…
It is clear to me that she (and you) don’t understand: it is more important what will happen than what has happened.
What gives you being in the present moment is the future you live into.
Much like walking into the wind… where the wind is coming from gives you being in the moment.
She promised her child to keep her safe. The child miraculously stopped since to have any anger… but unless she understand, she’ll stop confirming her promise, the future of safety, and maybe even throw her to the dogs.
I don’t remember acting out as a child, but I probably did. I told people in kindergarten that my father had sex with me… they ostracized me, prohibited their kids to play with me, but didn’t do anything. And neither did my mother.
The abuse lasted 2-3 years, ending with me screaming real loud… only that, the promise of being discovered, made my father stop.
From that point on we never talked, never spent time together. I lost my mother and I lost my father. I had nothing to say to my brothers. I was alone, and the anger was killing me.
It took many many many years of therapy. In psycho analysis I saw that part of me enjoyed the stimulation. That was very confronting. But without seeing that I would have never recovered.
If you are a mother, you never have the courage to disrupt your life, pick up and leave with the child. This is what I learn from movies, this is what I learn from my students.
It is the culture we live in. Mothers allowing their children to be abused. I wrote an article about that some years ago, saying that mothers perpetuate the culture of abuse.
So, to those of you that answered: you can’t give a sound advice unless you ask more questions… unless you go beyond the obvious, and ask questions.
Abused kids get either too quiet, or too rowdy, anger outbursts, self-mutilating, become a loner, or try to get lost in the crowd.
None of these is natural, and you need to suspect that there is abuse or some other profound big issue underneath it. One out of a thousand abused child turn it into a contribution. The rest perpetuate the culture of abuse… the world your children, grandchildren will live in.
And they will say: she never took care of me, never protected me. And they will be right.
Thank you K. I think you expressed what most people were afraid to say.
My thought was that all kids act out. That has always been my thought. I have put away the rod for talking to the child, but now that I think about it that has never really worked because I don’t “see” and I am not listening. I would have never suspected abuse and even if I had suspected it I know I wouldn’t have known what to do with the child to make her whole. I appreciate the comments.
let’s hope that I am wrong.
You’re definitely right that I’m more interested in what I want, and read about that, than about reality. And when you say “train yourself to be able to be with anything” – that makes me want to run for the exits. I see I’m one of the squeamish ones. And yet in times of crisis I surprise myself because strong, intelligent abilities surface and I jump in without hesitation to get myself and others through the crisis. So it could turn out that I might be one of the survivors when the plague comes.
One more thing, Kathryn. We, as a society, are avoiding negativity as much as we can. So we don’t get exposed to reality, only to a slice of it that we say we can be with. I bet you are more interested in what you want, and read about that, than about reality… Reality is not pretty, it is full of nasty stuff, like greed and lust and using others.
But it leaves you at serious risk of not being able to think either… Life is 360 degrees, not that narrow swath of positivity, 5%? max.
And if you don’t train yourself to be able to be with anything, then when the sh-it hits the fan, you are sh-it out of luck…
In my ‘next plague’ article I don’t say, because I don’t say, but when the plague comes, the squeamish, the positive thinker, the nice-nice person will definitely, 100% dies. Only the lucky and the hardy will survive.
I dare to differ in a big way. His, Baheej’s solution included asking questions. 99% of abused children will not say. Why? I don’t know. But they won’t.
Of course, the problem you mention, assuming you are so smart, is universal, it is where we all go. The real problem I see is that we stop there… The high achievers in the world don’t stop. Curiosity, not closing something just because it looks closed, is a hallmark of highest intelligence… that is what I strive for. I am already somewhat good at it, but the first inclination is always to think: “Look how smart I am…” lol. So I am right there with you.
Thank you for the follow-up article Sophie. Very eye-opening for me – showed how, as usual, I assumed I was so smart and had all the information I needed to solve the problem. LOL.
I think Baheej came the closest to what you found was needed – his solution at least included finding the cause of the little girl’s anger.