Message to my friend: please don’t be offended. This was too good a story, too educational, to pass by. I didn’t mean to offend you, or invalidate your effort.
Is responsibility a capacity? If it isn’t, it should be… but it isn’t.
Responsibility, the behavior, has lots of other capacities that need to be lit up for it to work.
I am observing an unfolding dramatic story: a storm in a teacup.
I don’t have a car. I have a woman, who has become a friend eventually, drive me on Tuesdays to do my errands, chiropractor, grocery shopping.
She has family in California, and will spend Thanksgiving with them. Next Tuesday she won’t be around.
I need to find another way to get fresh cream for my tea…
She decides that she can help.
I need to take pictures of the kind of cream I like. text it to her. She emails me, and the whole thing becomes a 2-3 hour long to-do, while I don’t have more than five minutes to do anything, between running from my office, the back of the house, to the front, to my cell phone, that doesn’t make a peep (thank you Sprint!) and back, and in the meantime she is doing whatever she is doing, completely oblivious that she has caused, with her do-gooding, more trouble than it is worth… to me.
Now, what is going on, on the capacities level, that is worth mentioning, so you can learn from it.
Well, easiest to see: I don’t have the capacity to just let it go and wait until she figures out whatever she needs to figure out. It is her project, but I can’t be with that… she is doing it for me… Hm. Unwillingness to receive? Yeah. What is the capacity that is not turned on or not working, so I am like this?
Being someone on the receiving end and arrogance don’t work well together. I am trying allowing, acceptance, but zero in on generosity. Allowing another to make a contribution to you.
Between the giver and the receiver, the giver is getting the biggest gift: their gift is accepted… when it is.
But the resistance to that is enormous. This is not personal to me.
Who has the power, at least that is how it feels, when you get a gift or a contribution? The giver, of course… and that, if you have been harmed, especially rape issues, is scary as hell.
My urge to invalidate her contribution to me is stronger than anything… And although I have generosity, as a capacity, turned on, I don’t have a lot of practice in living it… So it is time to practice.
Now, let’s look at her: is her behavior coming from power, or is it coming from resistance?
I am willing to accept that it is, but I have my doubts… so let us see.
My hunch is that she is unwilling to take responsibility for the fact that she is not available when she is not available. That she would choose to be with her grandson instead of taking me grocery shopping.
It sounds ridiculous, doesn’t it?
But you all have something similar… the amount of guilt, shame, apologizing I get from you… dead giveaway.
So what would be a powerful way to be? She saying: “I’ll be away next Tuesday. Find another way to do your stuff… Happy Thanksgiving…” that’s it.
But, of course, her soul correction is “Speak your mind”… i.e. straight talk, powerful talk, and it’s missing.
So what is the capacity, or what are the capacities that if I turned them on, she would have an easier time to be responsible with no excuses.
One is courage. Another one is trust. Trusting the other… me, in this case. And, of course, the sight… and humility.
As you can tell, maybe, every soul correction needs the sight, humility, and courage. That is why I am giving it away for free.
And most everybody needs appreciation… and that’s why I’ll give that away free too… starting next week.
PS: Did I activate the missing capacities? No. She is not a client, and she never asked to be one.
PPS: This is what happened… 99% of it.
Now, here comes the case study: please answer in email or in the comments section. If you email, I’ll know that you are courage deficient.
- If you were me, would you have published this story, if it happened to you, and it would have a chance to teach others and yourself something nothing else can teach? yes/no and why if yes, why if no.
- Was I nasty in this article? yes/no, and why if yes, why if no.
- Should my friend be offended? yes/no, and why if yes, why if no.
You can publish your comment anonymously so no one will know whose opinion it is. I promise to learn from your responses, and will consider your contribution, i.e. practice generosity of heart… sigh. Probably the hardest for a Virgo/Forget Thyself person… But I promise.
thank you Sheila.
1) Yes, if I were you, I would have published this story within “Is responsibility a capacity? A case study” (by Sophie Benshitta Maven November 20, 2015) because it would have a chance to teach others and yourself something nothing else can teach. I’ve done similar in the past for those sorts of reasons – even though perhaps I really didn’t teach others or myself anything at all. I thought it’d have the chance to do that, so I’ve “published” things for those reasons – but it didn’t cross my mind that nothing else could teach it. I’d probably DEFINITELY publish something if I thought it had a chance to teach something that nothing else could teach.
2) No, I don’t think you were nasty in this article. I think it was an honest assessment of why behaviors occurred between the soul corrections of “Forget Thyself” and “Speak Your Mind” coming from the perspective of the “Forget Thyself” person (& 99% of what happened, so wow already encompassing both sides of the story if I understand that right). I think your assessment of her missing out on taking responsibility is accurate and accurate for what she could have done to have things easier for both her and you in the given situation
(speaking her mind by saying: “I’ll be away next Tuesday. Find another way to do your stuff… Happy Thanksgiving…”).
I think you were working on doing your soul correction, and she missed out on working on hers. I don’t think that’s nasty if for if she were to read about the workings of these dynamics (for instance if I were in her shoes) but, she may have a different opinion. If opinions can be right or wrong – my opinion is that your article is not nasty and maybe I’m right and maybe I’m wrong.
3) No, I don’t think your friend should be offended. Coming from my perspective, helping to making another’s life easier through generosity that happens to feel good for the giver is a privilege. And if it’s an illusion, and the giver is really making the other person’s life more difficult, I’d want to know about it (in the giver’s shoes) so that both of us can do better things with our time.
I too appreciate your publishing this. I can relate to both sides and would not have handled them well. Still don’t have courage activated and I would be too afraid of offending my friend to publish. I would feel safer if I asked her permission first.
I don’t feel you were nasty, because you were honest about your own reactions, not blaming her. And explaining what you feel she is having difficulty with for the purpose of all of us learning what we may be doing, not to criticize or judge her.
I can see that your friend might react with–I am just trying to be helpful to you and this is the thanks I get? And I can see how giving can be a burden to the intended recipient. Been in both positions.
Should your friend be offended? Not if she is able to see your true intentions for writing this. But without certain dna capacities activated, may not yet be possible for her and I can sympathize with that. I can also share that without having had some missing dna capacities activated in the last 2 weeks, I would have said yes, she should be offended. Very grateful to you Sophie for so much help.
you’ve come a long way, Anonymous… By the way, I am more afraid to ask permission that ask for forgiveness.
Also, surprisingly, every friendship needs to be tested if it is indeed a friendship or a co-dependency.
this is a test. If she quits, as for her this is a job, I pay her, then that’s that. I’ll miss her. But I trust myself to be able to handle it… that is what self-trust is.
Glad you published this story, when we see your dirty laundry we realize we might have the same dirty laundry. Personally, similar type issues have happend to me from both sides, yours and your friends. Didn’t handle them well. We, especially women, in my opinion, are taught to be nice, polite, fake as hell! Why can’t we just be honest with each other both ways. I don’t feel your friend should be offended unless she’s not able to see your intentions for writing this article. I don’t have courage activated yet, can’t wait till the webinar.
look out world when Rebecca’s courage is activated! lol