I completed the third round of the 67 steps, and my intrinsic Self told me: it is time for another kind of practice.
So I have been curiously waiting for the “thing” to show up, and today it did.
Actually it started two days ago, but I noticed it today.
I need to get on the chiropractic table periodically to adjust my hip, or it goes out of shape to the degree that my thigh bone jumps out of its socket. That is very painful.
So I got on the table today… and it’s a long process… and somehow I was looking into what started my hip pain, when it started, and what was the “original cause”… or it.
I went down memory lane and got to a period of my life I am not proud of.
I was feeling powerless, and I sold myself to gain benefits I saw no other way to earn. It wasn’t a long period, but it was long enough… and then I buried it.
That is when my hip started to rotate.
What is the connection? I guess it has something to do with the meaning of my mother’s predicament about me… and the associations of a little girl around that predicament.
The brother of that girl who my mother called the same name as me, had muscular dystrophy and was limping heavily.
I so buried this memories from 30 years ago, it took lying on the chiropractic table, looking for something seemingly unrelated, to recall them.
Shame. It’s not that I don’t understand why I did what I did. But I am not proud of it… and it didn’t work, didn’t get me anything… only shame and feeling dirty.
It seems that this is my next practice: digging up the memories, and practice looking at them, and being however I am while I am looking. Feel bad, feel proud… just stay with it.
Create a view of myself and my life closer to what happened, than how my memory tends to stick with a few incidents of dramatic proportion, and that’s that.
Today I was training a client of mine… just because I could. The call wasn’t about that.
Training her to be with discomfort, and increase her capacity for that to the degree that she can achieve a lot more in her life. Things that by necessity, by the nature of the beast, involve being uncomfortable, bad feelings, fear, shyness, discomfort, awkwardness, uncertainty, and not knowing what to do.
I will edit the recording and post here the relevant parts… I think you can all do better with increasing your capacity to stay with stuff that are not pleasant.
You see, the world is not yet a crazy enough place to reward all kinds of undeserving people with a good life.
Your parents may have been crazy… and they probably were. You spouse may be crazy… and he probably is.
But ultimately you get in life what you earn. That is the meaning of deserving.
Becoming worth a damn.
You aren’t.
Nearly no one is.
I frequently get emails from people who share with me that once they had an insight, a connected feeling to whatever they felt connected, and that they want it back.
You get something that you never earned… and then want more of it. This is akin wishing a lightning to strike twice… at the same place. Chasing mirages.
The problem is this: any accomplishment, the earning of anything leads through unpleasant, unsavory, uncomfortable experiences.
Unless you increase your capacity to be effective in the face of discomfort… without looking away, without trying to change it, trying to fix it, trying to escape from it, you are going to remain undeserving.
You don’t want knowledge, because attaining to knowledge leads through cluelessness, through not knowing… and that is not comfortable.
You don’t want skills, because attaining to skills leads through incompetence, feeling really bad being a bumbling idiot.
You don’t want to practice… you don’t want to start anything big, or new, or bold… because the path to accomplishing anything leads through learning, building a skill… and risking feeling bad, risking discomfort, unpleasantness… the Dark Side of Life.
So you remain undeserving, not worth a darn, playing with your kaka… (That is all you can do when you are not really doing anything worthwhile.)
Of course if you are in my 67 step coaching program, you feel pressured. What is pressuring you is your intrinsic Self… not me. I am here so you can attain to autonomy. True autonomy. Where you are guided and moved to do things by your intrinsic Self, by intrinsic motivation.
Even to see what it would take to be deserving… even to see what you are doing that renders you not deserving, is very uncomfortable.
The reason the vibration on the planet is so low is because very few people ever go and look at their lives, themselves straight in the eyes… and tell the truth.
It takes courage, and it takes sometimes all you got… to stay awake…
Can I make a difference in the face of an overwhelming cultural influence to live an undeserving life expecting high rewards? Expecting the good life, while you are not worth a damn?
You tell me.
But just be sure, I will do what I do, no matter what you say… because my work is my work. And by golly, I am going to be worth a damn. Whatever it takes.
