Kindness reveals the diamond...
Change must begin with clarity of where you are... precision, exactness, all of which you and I have been trying to avoid.
So we make up all kinds of stuff, including the butterfly analogy. After all if you need to go through transformation to become a butterfly, you don't have to be responsible for any of it... it is a miracle transformation, it is out of your hands.
In this article I'll show you how I change, from a totally different place, the place of conscious change, where you don't need a miracle, you don't need voodoo, where you need work... (Oh no Sophie, not work again!? lol)
I will show you the work that brings out the diamond, the shine, the beauty in us... the best work anyone can ever want or wish for.
My decision, as an abused child, that kindness lets people get too close and then they take advantage of me. So being stiff, distant, maybe even rough, in my speaking, in my body language, and in my voice, keeps them away far enough so I can be well, stay unharmed.
It was an unconscious decision. It protected me from hurt, and it protected me from love. It became who I am.
I rationalized it calling it ruthless compassion as a coach, or running a tight ship, telling the uncomfortable truth as a business owner.
When I wasn't in a position of power, I cowered. I became invisible, it is a self-protection too.
I am not sharing this so you feel sorry for me, I am sharing this with you, because I'd like to share a methodology of change that is not known to most... at least I don't know anyone who knows it, knows of it...
Changing using your virtual research assistant, your reticular activator.
It is done, by using your reticular activator to do the research, so you can change really, instead of pretending something, like most people pretend to love, to care, to be happy, and such. Changing really, from the inside out, by removing the rough from the diamond.
Your reticular activator is like a virtual assistant, it goes out and does research for you and comes back with the results. Its main job is to find stuff...
It's a very useful faculty if used right. I don't know many people who use it consciously.
Yesterday, on a coaching call, kindness, as a missing being, came up. It is missing for the client, and it is missing for me. Let me rephrase is: it is missing for the people I talk to... They want me to show kindness. I didn't miss it, don't miss it, but it seems that it would be a useful capacity to have.
I don't know the first thing about kindness, never seen it, never recognized it. I can't tell it from many other ways of being, just like my landlord can't tell prize bushes from weed, ginkgo biloba tree from weed... so he chops them all off ... with the weed.
The first step in acquiring the capacity of kindness (or any other capacity) is to identify it.
The reticular activator can't do the identification... it is you who has to do it. Just like you can't tell your virtual assistant to identify what you want, unless you know it and can tell them. A virtual assistant is not a mind reader, unfortunately. And therein lies the reason not many people use the reticular activator: identifying anything is not easy, it's work, and most people shy away from work.
I am not afraid to work, in fact I like to work. I am afraid of kindness, but it's the subject here, and I am sure that by the end of this process I'll find out that I've misunderstood kindness... and I'll fall in love with the "real" kindness... whatever that is, so let's do it.
First I peruse the dictionary, I find synonyms, I find the root of the word, the origin of the word, recall translations of the word in languages I know...
It seems that the root of the word is child, but not any child, your blood of your own blood, flesh of your own flesh child. Your offspring. Your future. Your family's future. The prince or the princess.
You will treat these children as such, so they can grow up well, be strong, be majestic, bigger than you, better than you. You see yourself in them, your best in them, and you are proud of them. You see that this is from times other than ours... where children are an accident, a bother, an expense, a pain in the arse. This is from olden times when children mattered, when the more children you had the bigger power you had.
Your child is your treasure... hm. You want to see them grow, you want to see them flourish.
Kindness... is a being, it's a relationship, it's an attitude. It's not what you say, it's not even how you say it, it is who is saying it or doing it to whom... the recipient of kindness experiences that they are important, that they are treasured, that they are valuable, that they are treated as someone becoming a king... a king in training.
Another way to look at it kindness: the root of the word is kind, which means child. Treat them the way you would treat a child... a child is tender, easy to bruise, easy to hurt, easy to break.
For myself, I prefer the first meaning... that they are diamonds in the rough, I'd hate to consider my people easy to bruise, easy to break... But treasuring them, considering them a king or queen in training... I like that.
- Step 2: Allow the reticular activator find examples in literature, in movies, in history and bring them to me either as thoughts, images, or as actual books and movies.
- Step 3: Try on looking at some of my people as kings in training: I do the training. These people, my people, are my main concern, after all MY people feel that I am harsh.Consider that being a king, being a queen is in their blood, they just don't know it. Consider that I am only reminding them of who they are, instead of trying to make the become a king or a queen...Practice, practice, practice. Practice consciously, until people automatically show up as diamond in the rough. When I'll be able to see my landlord and his wife as such, I'll know I have changed, irreversibly. That is what you want... You'll never forget it, because just like driving, it became you.
Now, looking at the suddenly visible gap between what has been and what is possible is giving me nausea... have I been treating people like that bad? Ugh... I hope not.
But let me get conscious about that... Please reticular activator, show me what I do wrong, and how to do it right. Thank you.
PS: Miss Reticular Activator, aka my Virtual research assistant, just came back to say: "Treat people like they are: diamond in the rough... don't pretend, it is there, even if you can't see it."
Research phase done. Now I have to first consciously practice it, until it becomes second nature...
I want to become really good at this!