I have been pondering a student's email all morning. 1 And when I ponder, I do it while I do other things.
What I do most frequently is play Freecell, a card game, a solitaire. I can have my bilocation most undisturbed then: I am doing something and observing it, and the brain, in the background does the processing undisturbed, and pretty much undisturbed.
Today I was observing as the machine isn't interested in going through a process to win: it prefers winging it... I mean the order of the cards removed. The goal of the game is to remove all the cards.
So both my machine and my observer were busy. And then... at a moment, a series of connected memories surfaced, all British. I am watching a British detective series again...
Through the captivating story of a 13 year old killing his abusive father, becoming a cross-dresser... thinking if homosexuality is genetic, born with, or imprinted (brain plasticity), through the Royals' sexual behaviors, to the beautiful enchantress becoming pockmarked from smallpox... to another British movie's heroine's bout with smallpox... and her being rejected by many, and accepted by the one she loved.
I cried. 2 And almost instantly the insight came, and about that insight is this article. Ground breaking in its implications... even if you can't get it: I got it... for you.
We want what we want. But when you examined what we want, we would always find that what we want is a "not that"...
What do I mean by that: We want something the most fervently that fixes some fundamantal wrong, real or perceived, done to us, or around us.
The pockmarked heroine being loved by her lover, in spite of her disfigured face is a good example. She looks in the mirror and all she can see is the ugly. So anyone loving her, accepting her in spite of that, is a miracle of epic proportion: she herself has a hard time accepting herself.
So, if you want money, it is to fix something that's wrong.
If you want love, it is to fix something that's wrong.
If you want to travel, is to fix something that's wrong.
If you want freedom, it is to fix something that's wrong
Now, it's normal, nothing wrong with it.
But, and here is the famous and ever present but: the world of abundance, your birthright isn't available in a world where your dominant desire is fixing.
Fixing keeps what's wrong in the picture, and wrong doesn't fit with abundance.
Darn, you say, and you are right! You can't win! And you are mostly right.
All the abundance you desire is to fix the life you have.
Abundance is not able to come in, because of all that needs to be fixed.
So, how do you become someone who has nothing to fix? Really! Not just lip service, but really
Because lip service adds another layer of pretense, blocking everything you want from coming in...
It's simple, but not easy. And obviously you don't have to do it. Plenty of rich people didn't do it. Beauty queens didn't do it. Film stars didn't do it. Sports stars didn't do it.
That is why, no matter how much fame and fortune they have, they are not whole and complete, don't have peace of mind, and the lack, the thing that needs to be fixed still needs to be fixed.
In the movie, Citizen Kane... no matter how he ruled the world with his newspapers, Kane was the same wounded child he was 70 years earlier when he was "sold" and could never again play on his beloved sled, Rosebud.
The wrong, the big wrong, you experienced, is life defining. But more importantly, it has energy.
But desiring the opposite, the fix, is disappointing: the bigger the fix the bigger the wrong has to become.
The smarter you become, the bigger your stupid has to become underneath it.
The slimmer you become, the bigger your "I am not OK the way I am, I am somehow really flawed, ugly, rotten, evil, bad, etc." has to become.
Why can't we fix what's wrong with us?
The ultimate solution to this seemingly no-solution conundrum is to diligently generate "There is nothing wrong here, nothing to fix" and at the same time, select a direction to which you want the never diminishing wrong to propel your ship.
It's artful. It requires skill and presence of mind.
But before you can generate "There is nothing wrong here, nothing to fix" you need to sort out all the wrongs, look at them with clear, unemotional eyes, see them for what they are: distortions. Unreality.
This doesn't make them go away energetically, but they make them manageable.
If you are too cowardly to face your wrongs, then you are condemning yourself for a life of misery: guaranteed. And a life of lack, more of the same.
If you read my previous article, you'll see that the fundamental "wrongs" don't disappear when you raise your vibration: mine are still there. And unless I get opportunities to manage them, look at them again, they start running my life.
Without this looking your life is run by these "wrongs" that need to be fixed, 24/7.
My heart goes out for you. I still remember what it was like...
- I woke up today with a real distinction between 'me' and 'my machine'. It is so coo! I can actually feel the two different states of being. Thanks Sophie!
This is so cool I just had to share it with you. It gives me a real sense of how I can relate to my machine differently. Here's hoping I can stay in this state of awareness as the day progresses. For the rest of my life is preferable!! For the rest of my life is my goal. :)
Wow, my poor little machine! Doing so much of my work. Let's see how I do in directing her instead of her trying to do something she is not capable of doing effectively, and something she is not equipped to do.
- The emotional charge, crying, came from the wrong I experienced as a child. At age 9 I started to wear glasses. One day my father and I were watching TV. A pop singer, a woman, was singing... I really like how she looked, how she sang. She had glasses. I said to my father; "Look how pretty she is!" My father unthinkingly answered: "Everyone with glasses is ugly" or something like that... I felt it was directly said about me... I have lived my life as an ugly woman, no matter how many people tell me I am pretty, or some even say beautiful. I can't overcome that hurt... and never will.