When you realize that YOU are wasting your life… Updated

where are you leaking? how do you waste your life? How do YOU waste your life? How do YOU leak?

A student of mine watched a movie last night. In the movie she heard the following dialogue:

"Thank you for saving my life" "Don’t waste it."

She cried. Later her husband was picking a fight with her. She stepped back 1 and didn't react.

An hour later the husband came downstairs. She offered him tea. He apologized for his behavior.

Why am I sharing this with you? Because one way or another we are all wasting our life, or most of it.

The most useful question I have found to snap me out of this wasteful way of being is:

What is using my perfectly good life right now?

Here are some examples. All are life-wasters that you can eliminate by bringing consciousness to life... stopping for a moment, and choose.... Helping you with that are, of course, the the activators.

  1. Blaming
  2. Worrying
  3. Thinking about the future
  4. Thinking about the past
  5. Wondering what it means... (whatever it is at the moment)
  6. Wondering what they mean
  7. Wondering what you should be doing with your life
  8. Getting angry
  9. Being anxious
  10. Planning what you should say, what you should do. Strategizing
  11. Being distracted
  12. Being stressed... calm and collected 2 and actually doing something: oh, that hasn't occurred to you?
  13. Being in your head
  14. Sacrificing your life for another, doing things they can do for themselves
  15. Giving advice, calling it coaching
  16. Complaining
  17. Getting agreement from others on how terrible it is, he is, etc.
  18. Avoid saying anything negative... in fact avoiding anything!
  19. Shopping, eating, sexing to fill yourself up
  20. Considering anyone a friend who you can reach on the phone
  21. Doing stuff because you think it will help you, because Oprah said it, because Dr. Oz said it... because I said it! lol
  22. Trying to do anything. Do it or don't do it.
  23. Retelling your story
  24. Justifying anything
  25. Avoiding domination
  26. Resisting
  27. Arguing
  28. Proving that you are superior/inferior
  29. Hating
  30. Being offended (my version is: who do they think they are to do this to me? lol)
  31. Looking for stuff in your head
  32. Asking questions to get a yes or no answer
  33. Daydreaming
  34. Trying to have fun
  35. Trying to please people
  36. Helping (this one is big, and I'll probably need to write a whole article about this)
  37. Gossiping, just to talk about people is gossiping
  38. Being right, avoid being wrong
  39. Try to be well thought of by doing things, anything! Mrs. Roosevelt said it best: Their opinion of me is their business, not mine.
  40. Bringing creativity to mundane stuff. One of my students brings creativity to his assignment, which is to remind me to record the webinar. He is so intent on saying it always differently, that he never checks if I got the message or not. It is all about him. He wants to hear his name on the call... it validates him.
  41. Calling someone on the phone to tell them how great you are, how miserable you are, how unlucky you are

Enough examples for you? No? Do you have your own? Please add it in the comments section. Believe me, just adding it and acknowledging it as something that uses your life will open you up for a breakthrough. Will you have a breakthrough? Probably not.

Breakthrough is a technology, not a result of an insight. But some insights are life altering, like the one I had that something is using my life for its own purposes, other than my purposes.

With the activators, you awaken the part of you that makes sure you use your life for you, not for c-r-a-p.

This was an article that introduced a course... I think it was the Brilliance at will... but don't quote me on that.

I think it is time to do another program, but instead of making it a webinar series, I am thinking of making it a coaching program with guiding videos and written interaction. That way it doesn't have to cost an arm and a leg.

The above leaks (and the ones in the comments) are examples. Unfortunately examples do not distinguish anything... and unless you have a distinction you'll continue being the same way you have always been, even if I pulled your dominant belief "therefore" (no one can pull the belief, but I pulled it to reduce or remove its effect on your life... up to you, unfortunately what you are going to do with it. i.e. it's your choice, moment to moment.)

Unless you are able to see your behavior examples inside a distinction (like a category) you won't be able to recognize it and see an opportunity for change.

This course (if there are enough people applying) is about getting what exactly uses your life, so deeply, that you'll recognize it from the feeling in your stomach, the curling of your lips... I mean even from tiny signs that it's coming.

For example I have a reaction that begins with the curling of my lips down... like a pouting child. I catch it before I go into the feeling which is a life waster.

Inside this course, you'll be able to see how, gradually, you'll get back the reins, how gradually you'll get back your life, to use for something that's worth using a perfectly good life: yours.

You'll be able to get clarity of what REALLY is using your life, and wrestle back the controls.

All interaction will happen in comments on a forum that I set up just for this course. No live interaction, not even email. I'll answer every post on the forum.

I am thinking of making it a $10 a week affair... you quit if you don't like it, you stay if you are getting what you wanted.

Here is a paypal payment link... If there are not enough applicants, I'll refund your money.

If you are one of my "regular" students, I am reusing the happiness site... so you are probably already a member... so use the 'already a member' link after payment.

PS: you don't know what a distinction is? join the crowd... it is the hardest thing to teach... but even if you just get a flavor of it, you are head and shoulders above other people, it's that powerful.

I'll write or re-write an article, to bring a little more awareness... today, tomorrow?

Footnotes

  1. she'd learned how to in the Second Phase Activators course
  2. get the Heaven on Earth... in the sidebar. It works!

Author: Sophie Benshitta Maven

award winning architect, magazine publisher, transformational and spiritual coach and teacher, self declared Avatar

51 thoughts on “When you realize that YOU are wasting your life… Updated”

  1. Some of mine:

    Going the extra mile when “good enough” would be sufficient (in other words putting in too much effort where it’s not required).

    Placating others so that they feel good.

    Indulging in memories from the past where I was wronged or hurt.

  2. I forgot a biggy…

    Waiting for something to happen instead of taking action – this allows for blaming circumstances later instead of taking responsibility now

  3. Having arguments with other people – in your head.
    Getting angry over these arguments.
    Carrying that anger around with you.
    Allowing the anger to be triggered every time you see the other person.

  4. I just thought of another huge one of mine:

    Putting things off, procrastinating. They pile up and cause this background stress that I know is leaking a tremendous amount of energy.

  5. Chyanna, I know you will appreciate this: the question is NOT how you leak energy, that is a pedestrian question from the Tree of Knowledge.

    The question is: What is using your life? Pinpoint it! What is using your life when you put things off?

    Putting things off is the outward manifestation of that which uses your life. But what is it?

  6. FEAR. Fear … of failing… of looking bad… of not being perfect… Fear of true Commitment…
    Fear of completion because maybe it’s not good enough. Fear that maybe it is good but no one will notice or care.

    I know there is more. I feel the fear roiling in my belly like a two headed snake. It’s not happy because I’m looking at it.

    Thank you Sophie for the distinction I had missed.

  7. Maybe I’m insignificant . Maybe I will die without ever really accomplishing anything of real value. An old underlying feeling of no matter how hard I try, it’s never enough is there.

    But here’s a few tears and a sadness … I have not trusted myself – I’ve looked for outside validation for who I am – and for what I do.

    I have sought the approval and permission of others to live MY life. I have made decisions and taken actions that weren’t what I wanted to do but in order to gain approval from others.

    I’ve sat on my hands and shut my mouth so that I didn’t displease people in my life who I want love and approval from.

    I’ve been trying to prove to them that I’m worthy of their love. Since I’ve willing to give up my own dreams and opinions to please them, surely they will love and appreciate me.

    As you would say Sophie… nasty, nasty…

    Thank you for pushing me.

  8. Trying to figure it out.

    Trying to find a reason for it.

    Kissing ass to avoid a confrontation.

  9. One danger in confrontation is that it can escalate
    into physical violence, and permanent physical harm may be inflicted.

  10. yes we could say that…way out of balance by mostly caring for the body, while neglecting the mind and soul

  11. Fear. It shows itself mostly as self-righteousness and anger. I’m despearate for change and terrified of it.

  12. What uses my life: a “need” to prove I’m worthy of notice and love – to even prove I have the right to exist.

  13. If I found out that I didn’t have the right to exist I’d have to say … “Well too F’n bad. I do exist and that’s that! Get used to it!!” lol

    Not sure who distributes the rights – if I knew I would go and put an “Out of Business” sign in the window. 😉

  14. I know Sophie. I was making a joke because the whole thing is pretty funny. I am at the mercy of myself. lol

  15. I can relate to the procrastination. Rather than a fear of not good enough or fear of failure I’ve also looked at it from the opposite perspective. Am I afraid to succeed? What story; person or persons (or?) would I have to give up if I succeeded?

    I wear many hats and I find myself doing busy work rather than important work. I can always find things that need to be done; laundry, cooking, caring for children; although what important work needs to be done for me to succeed in my business?

  16. So what is using your life when you choose to attend to the unimportant and least “operative” action while what’s important and what would make you succeed is the last on your list? What?

    1. Acting according to how I think people will perceive me
    2. Pretending I don’t need love to protect myself being unloved, rejected, insignificant, not enough, forgotten.
    3. Fear of being unloveable
    4. Sacrificing myself by trying to absorb/filter other people’s pain in order to “help” them.
    5. Doing something because it’s the “right thing to do.”
    6. Avoiding doing something in case I get it wrong and feeling not intelligent enough if it was.
    7. In order to keep myself safe, I hide, putting only as much of myself out there so people can think they know who I am.
    8. Repeating or explaining myself out of fear of being misunderstood
    9. Not feeling smart/worthy enough so I avoid certain people and possible confrontation
    10. Fear I won’t get this life right.
    11. Also, everything Chyanna wrote.
    12. Fear, sadness, despair that I have no freaking clue as to who I really am.
  17. OK Audrey, it took 3 or 4 rounds with Chyanna to dig down to solid ground.

    Re-write the list, in the same order, but now make sure it is a 1-2-worder each line, answering the question: what is using my life? Post it.

    Once you are done with that successfully, we’ll do a Chyanna-move. I am rooting for you. It is one of the most fantastic moves ever. I did mine in January of 1988… and again about 2 years ago. I never looked back.

    Once you are done, I’ll write an article to teach the Chyanna-move.

  18. Fear of not being in control of my own life
    -> fear of being vulnerable when not in control
    -> fear of the unknown

  19. Fear that no matter what I do it’ll be met not with love but with jealousy and unfunny putdown comments so just better to do nothing and not be in the line of fire

  20. 1. hiding, blame
    2. hiding, trust
    3. trust – Fear of being unloveable
    4. proving worth
    5. more proving worth
    6.trust, worthiness
    7. trust, worthiness
    8.trust,
    9. trust, worthiness
    10. trust, regret
    11. worthiness, right to exist
    12. worthiness
    New one- maybe deepest: fear that I was an accident with no purpose, superfluous: disconnected from Source. (BIG tears with this)

  21. Audrey, please redo the list in a way that it actually answers my question: what is using your life.

    what is using your life is ALWAYS a concern. A concern for something (love, winning, fame, popularity, etc) or the flip side, a concern to avoid (poverty, failure, losing, disappearing, pain, infamy, being thrown out, discarded, being dominated, raped, etc. this is a much longer list…)

  22. My fear might be of breaking the unspoken alliance I have with my family and peers to play small.
    To have the bigger life I desire I’d have to become bigger myself, and that would excommunicate me from my tribe.

  23. I read the article, Sophie, and most of it hits the nail on the head indeed..
    I do think I read a lot of books already and can be very opinionated but I don’t speak up my mind very easily.
    What are the 25’s exactly?

  24. Concerns:
    1. acceptance/security
    2. rejection
    3. fear of abandonment/thrown away
    4. validation
    5. respect/approval
    6. failure avoidance
    7. pain of disapproval/insignificance
    8.avoid being thrown out-not capable/smart enough
    9. pain of being judged
    10. failure avoidance/regret
    11. fear – not earned right to exist
    12. lost/ignored/not seen
    13. Eraseable – fear I was an accident/mistake-no purpose, superfluous

    This has been very hard – Through doing this, I’m facing my fear of disapproval, not getting it right, not being good/smart enough, being thrown out, failure… wah, wah, wah. Regardless, it’s been worth it because I had a tearful realization towards the end (#13) that I feel was very important. I hope I got it right this time.

  25. let me reword it for you, so it is clearer:
    What uses my life (Audrey’s) are
    1. the NEED to be accepted
    2. the compulsion to avoid rejection
    3. the imagined threat that I’ll be abandoned and thrown away
    4. the overwhelming need for validation, getting respect, being approved
    5. the overwhelming need to avoid pain of being judged, of failing, of feeling regret, of any kind of pain, if I look
    6. the concern that if I am ignored or not seen any moment, I don’t exist, I am disposable, no one is missing me, I don’t matter.

    what is the age of a person that has all these concerns? 3? 4?

  26. Another:
    (props?) Control situations/people to hide my vulnerability to protect myself from getting hurt

  27. try “use”

    I saw a movie last night, a 1969 movie, “the prime of miss jane Brodie”
    at the time I didn’t know why Source asked me to watch it, but now I do… please watch it. it is on netflix.

  28. Your instructions said, “1-2 worder-each line” and I felt I was pushing it as it was! lol Thank you for the re-wording, Sophie… it all resonates with me.
    Regarding # 13– in relation to my “helping people,” I realize I go overboard “helping,” desperate to earn my place to be and stay here.
    Yes, toddling along. No surprise I feel more comfortable being with kids.

  29. I watched “The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie,” as you suggested (thank you) and something must have shifted for me while seeing the similarities:

    My mom called… I felt very different during this conversation. Frustration was absent. I felt genuinely loving and tender. I now see I’ve been resentful that my mom is not the non-complaining, healthy “player/prop” I would have wanted her to be. I listened to her as her daughter and surrendered, accepting her for who she is, and as my mom. I didn’t feel a pretense that it was “my show,” and I felt I appreciated her more.

    Next, I know this may sound weird, but my cat came to me, wanting my attention. I realized something shifted in how I am with him too. It’s as if I appreciate his presence more. There’s another dimension to him somehow.

    I also realized that I was sabotaging my relationship with my daughters because they were not growing into who I tried to mold them to be. This was really hurting our relationship. I now see that I don’t have control over any one and I don’t WANT control… how exhausting and disgusting. The “Audrey-show” is officially closing it’s run.

  30. I’ll add my fuel to this fire–

    –More time and concern for other people’s stuff than my own..
    –‘helping’ others to succeed–and then growing resentful that they do…
    –feelings of superiority entwined with inferiority
    –being a half-joiner. half-enthusiastic, half-approving
    –having big plans in the morning dwindle and dribble away through the day through talking myself down and out of the
    –avid interest in dysfunctional behavior of others

    –and reading spiritual things that sound like something i should be…knowing I do not have the discipline, etc to follow them through.

    I keep clearing and forgiving and releasing. sometimes it feels like it’s the only real thing I am doing for one minute a day vs. 23 hours, 59 minutes of insincerity…

  31. what is using my life is the need to be needed..even though I am becoming aware of the circumstances that trigger that need, I still get caught by more seductive, nicer packaged requests to be exploited..

  32. There are more but for now I will start with a couple of the strongest ones. I worry about the past and the future. I know it does not change anything nor is it helpful, but still I do it, and it is wasting my life. That is what I am going to work on this week and longer if needed.

  33. My dad died in 2010 and I am still suffering for it. I have a hard time letting go of things and it’s worse when I don’t want to. If it is my choice. I am OK with it and this has been true most of my life.

  34. What is using my life is:

    1. Not taking my life seriously. (Putting in only a little effort, and accomplishing little as a result.)
    2. Avoiding discipline and commitment. (Avoiding the domination of anything outside myself).
    3. Avoiding situations where my skills/aptitude might be tested in an objective way.
    4. Hiding out and hoping life will pass. ( Avoiding the burden of choice, even choices I have made.)

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