Mostly wretchedness, I have found. But wretchedness not dealt with, not confronted, not looked straight in the eye, festers and like an undertow, runs your life.
My memory is an incident from 35 years ago.
I was in Germany, and this man treated me as special. I fell for it. I remember I was going to do anything for him, but he was more awake than myself, and he dumped me.
When, for reasons of Parental Disapproval Syndrome, you are worthless, when your whole being comes out of that beingness: worthless, you are vulnerable to follow the wrong person, to go with them to the end of the Earth, because it feels like they consider your contribution to them worthy… and that reflects on you.
It’s taken me 35 years to identify it, to recognize it, and to look at it with compassion, with sober eyes, and with gratitude that he dumped me… so I didn’t get to do the horrible things he actually did ask me to do.
Until you are able to hear the subtle calls for clearing yourself from past demons, you can use my articles, the Bug Free book to do that.
It is OK to look at your past self with mortification: unless you are, actually, you didn’t get that the behavior was off…
The “job”, the purpose of looking at yourself, your behavior, your thinking is to be able to return to the right path… not that you condone your misbehaving, your false beliefs, your mislead ignorance.
I know, I know, most “gurus” have been teaching you b.s., like the power of your mind, avoid negativity, manifestation, some god outside of yourself, and other garden variety trash.
You need to see that it connects well with some inner ugliness, inner unwillingness to be responsible for your life, for some inner unwillingness to be a person, to be powerful, to look inside.
If you continue accepting those misleading, leading you outside of yourself teachings, you will continue moving away from who you are meant to be, covering up your inner ugliness, and increasing darkness on the planet.
Many of you will… I can see it from some of your emails.
Unless you wake up, you will.
And waking up a little bit… like when you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, won’t be sufficient. You need to have your eyes wide open, and stop pissing in the refrigerator. Not literally, of course, figuratively… Because when you try to hold onto the b.s. and pretend to wake up at the same time, that’s what you are doing.