Some unexpected fallouts and insights from activating the newly discovered abilities to all those people…
Suddenly this client thinks, for the first time, to ask how to speak to her mother in law who goes to her house, picks up her ironing and cleans her house…
Here is the whole conversation… this is an issue that SHOULD come up for everyone, because the idea of being interested in how a communication lands is one of those things, being able to see the consequences of your action. Communication is action!
So here is the email conversation where I teach her how to 1. be appreciative 2. be kind 3. be effective without forcing, without blaming, without making the other person defensive, and yet have a good chance to have the result you want… eventually.
———————————
Tuesday, November 3, 2015, 1:23:16 PM, she wrote:
Okay I am taking the courage to e mail what came up today. Perhaps it is as a result of the activation.
I came home to find my mother in law had been in our house and had taken it upon herself to take my ironing with her and do cleaning in the house.
While some would like this it is different for me.
I find it an intrusion of my space and boundaries. Of course I am mad and want to tell her to stop but fear the consequences. The ego comes up saying leave it alone your only making a big deal out of nothing.
Is this coming up for me to move through the fear of saying what I want to say?
I really would appreciate your insight.
Many thanks
[client]
On Tuesday, November 3, 2015, Sophie <[email protected]> wrote:
it IS coming up because of the activator.
but you are still stuck with the binary option… yell at her/say nothing.
I had something like this happen to me this morning, and I saw that there is a third option: gently suggesting. so I did. it wasn’t as smooth as I thought it was going to be, but it wasn’t hurtful either.
consider that your mother in law is best for you if she isn’t offended…
My issue was with my chiropractor, and instead of telling him how bad the last session was, I suggested this: Maybe we could try this…
So what can you tell your mother in law with a maybe? Maybe next time she could ask if it’s ok? Maybe she could help with something you do need help with?
The question is: are you willing to be generous of heart?
Thank you,
Sophie
Tuesday, November 3, 2015, 2:10:03 PM, she wrote:
Okay well what I really want to say is that I will ask for help if I need it but I don’t want her coming into my space unless I ask her to. It is a privacy thing and I want my own space and for her to repect that . I feel this really important for me.
It is how to say it without offending is the issue but that it won’t keep happening.
When you say are you willing to be generous of heart is do you mean that with her in this issue?
Thanks
[client]
On Tuesday, November 3, 2015, Sophie <[email protected]> wrote:
yes. You see, it is easy to hurt someone. It is easy to TELL someone. But it’s generous to respect someone’s need to be needed and yet not have them violate your boundaries.
You probably have a lot of history… that’s why she comes when you are not there…
The problem isn’t that she wants to help, the problem is that she comes in your absence. So that is what you need to ask her, nicely, not to do.
And be appreciative of her intention. Even though your don’t like the how and the when.
Thank you,
Sophie
———————————
Tuesday, November 3, 2015, 2:35:46 PM, she wrote:
Okay you have hit it right on. Omg this is so true.
We have so much history. She drives me nuts.
How would you say it in a nice way for her not to come in my absence so I get okay with it and voice it to her. I really appreciate this.
When I do this I cannot tell you how much of a breakthrough this will be. This has been an issue for years.
Thank you so much.
[client]
On Tuesday, November 3, 2015, Sophie wrote:
I am from a different culture…
Here, I would start with the appreciation. Then I would ask if we could come to an agreement that she respects my boundaries, presupposing that she is, of course, willing…
something like this:
Part 1. “mom” I hope you know how much I appreciate you wanting to help. I really do. Thank you so much.
Let her say whatever she wants to say, however long she wants to say it. Stay in appreciation.
Part 2: “mom”, I know you want to please me… but I am sure you don’t know what I feel like when you come in here when I am not here… I know it is my stuff, I know it is my sensitivity, I know it is not your fault, but I feel violated. It is a really bad feeling. I am sure you didn’t know that…
Could I, please, ask you to come only when I am here? Please?
And then let her deal with the request… let it hang there… it may take till a week later for her to really get it, but there is NO person who doesn’t get it.
The less you talk the better. Just say your piece and don’t argue… don’t explain, don’t justify, just listen.
Thank you,
Sophie
and her again:
Thanks, she is my mother in law and all this is coming between my husband and me as well, because he sees nothing wrong with it.
So I really need to address it. Will let you know how it goes.
Thanks
