When you know why you are crying, then some past gets confirmed and your ego will try and repeat it for you.
I watched a mini-series yesterday. It ended with a big surprise. It shook me.
But the sobbing came today. I don't know why I cried. I don't know if I was crying for the person in the movie, for you, for myself... I don't know.
I have had nothing similar in my life... But I felt the regret, the shame, the guilt, the despair, the hopelessness, and the resolution... and these are universal for any misdeed.
When you hope to get through completing your past without thoughtless sobbing, you are being guided by Ego. Ego want you to pretend that you are doing what you need to do to get back to nothing... the only place from where you can build anything that lasts.
But on Day 4 around 8 pm you would find out that the "nothing" they promised is actually a place, that is not so easy to get to, and unless you get there, your life is a seamless repetition of the past.
Whether you do it in the Landmark Forum, or with me, you need to do that work.
I spent the first 60+ years of my life hovering over despair. That is what you can do, unless you completely get into nothing.
I guess I didn't, and maybe still haven't.
But I have gone as far as I could with what I had. I have built, then I destroyed it.
I like what I am building now. It is worth going under the foundation, deep deep, and see what is there that I haven't confronted yet.
I am not afraid, I am actually curious. Even though I know it will be ugly. But I have been training myself to be able to stay present with anything ugly... to face the tiger and stay so calm that I can tell each ear-hair apart... hold the tiger's stare with mine, and stay curious, instead of "cheap closure now" and run...
Is there a place really that is "nothing"? No baggage, nothing to hide, nothing to cover up, nothing to be ashamed of?
Honestly, I don't know. How could I?
I only know that I have done a lot of digging, faced a lot of ugly about myself, and I feel I am close to having cleared it all.
You may have not even started.
The question is, for you: is it worth doing the work for you, or do you prefer the deadness of hiding, covering up, pretending, in the tiny space that has remained to give you an illusion that you have choices?
Harsh? It is. In the thousands of years humans have been around, we have gathered enough "karma" to look absolutely hopeless... But it isn't.
The reason I put the word karma in quotation marks, because it is not really karma in a sense, that it would be a debt. Debt can be cleaned up by doing the opposite, i.e. "good karma". But that is not how it works in the world of reality.
In the reality that humans are, no good deed cancels out bad deeds. Only owning the bad deed that disappears the bad deed.
By the way: just like in integrity, bad deed is what your conscience labels as bad deed, not the society's norms... not even mine. lol.
YOU know what is bad. You can clean it up.
Doing good deeds is futile... the more good deeds you do, the more guilt you feel... Really.
The only thing that cancels out the spiritual debt is the full ownership of it. Seeing what it has cost to you, to your future, to the other. Cry, sob, grieve.
If you are doing that, it goes away fast. Like in minutes.
If you aren't... it will linger.
Your tendency to pretend to do the work is endless.
You now earned your misery twice. Congratulations.
Unless your desire to be on Life's side is big enough, you won't do it, you can't do it.
When I contemplated leaving Hungary, I knew it was like a trapeze, with the big difference: I didn't know there was another trapeze waiting for me.
It was like suicide for an atheist: there is no afterlife. It is final. Now, will you do it?
Life wants you to do it. But you want certainty, you want what you know... and what you know is not what you want...
Talk about stupid.
The flying, the dying is not real, except for the ego. But as long as ego runs the show, ego runs your life... fear of dying will be there... and there won't be any "new life", better life, growth, evolution for you.
Sorry to break it to you so bluntly...
So, what can you do if you can't weaken ego? Then you have to strengthen Life Force.
The "ambition" capacity can do that for you.