Hidden stuff, suppressed stuff, when it has a chance to spill out, has a tendency to reek (smell bad) and wreak havoc.
I am reading a book that heals by digging out such stuff... it doesn't stop there, you'll see.
Anyway, I am reading it, and obviously the mind has a tendency to dig along with the clients, dig along with what you read... no, my mind has the tendency to dig along, after all, I know the value of digging.
So, I must have dug quite a little, because I didn't want to get up today. Then I had a digging conversation with a friend I wanted to start a business with and decided not to pursue the business. Then I read an email request for a private session outside of my schedule and the s**t hit the fan.
I felt offended, I felt violated, I was irate. After all people should ask for a time slot I have available, not something else... right?
The reaction was off the wall disproportionate to the trigger: after all I know how to say no, right? Baaaah!
Oh ho, something big got unearthed!
I dug deep in my personal history to see what this email triggered. I found tons of incidents with injustice, asking for what I didn't want to give, or didn't have, and accusing me of being bad, or unkind.
Most of the incidents "starred" my mother. I found myself sobbing. The incidents happened 50-60 years ago. I wrecked my brain to recall an incident that was pleasant, but each lead to another direction of horrific incidents, teachers abusing little kids, doctors fondling little kids, horror, oh horror.
Finally I found something that had no negative anything: my mom had a black currant bush in her cottage garden and she used to make me back currant preserves. Just for me. I love those: they are tart with a hint of sweetness. I haven't had anything like that for over 30 years. Now I can call myself "the daughter for whom my mother made black currant preserves", instead of all the horrid stuff.
It is hard to believe that a small positive memory used as a mantra can alter my relationship to abuse, abusive people, users, and such. It seems to be working. I'll keep at it. Being personally offended is one of the most unpleasant feelings I can feel.
On another note, this whole upset thing didn't start today.
In fact it started with me downloading the first set of activators for real love. The activators covered 9% of real love... and true to form I came unglued. All activators first do that to me: it lasts anywhere from 3-5 days, and then I have a lifetime of bliss with the elevated consciousness.
Some people first experience the bliss and then a huge let-down. Most of humanity, when they hear that there is a chance they would have a 3-5 days downside, they shy away from anything. After all being miserable, just like they are used to, being dead of soul, dead of spirit is better than rocking the boat, right?
Obviously I am not most of humanity: I rock the boat, poke the box, and then take what I get.
Yesterday I took a friend to Green Lakes State Park. Green Lakes is in fact two lakes, both bluer than blue, greener than green. Unique and beautiful. The walk around the first one is about 3 miles, and I haven't even been walking around the block. But it was lovely.
I knelt down to energize the lakes, from 80 to 600... and it felt good.
I had a suspicion. I asked Charlie if he knew that I had powers that were unusual. He thought for a long time, obviously he didn't want to be impolite to me. Then he said, "I suppose..."
It always bothered me when people weren't able to see beyond their own reflection. When people look at you, they don't see you. They see themselves, including their own limitations, their own fears, imperfections, weaknesses.
At most they can see that you are 1/100 of a percent beyond that... not more.
This is why a person is unsuited to be a coach unless they have done a lot of work, successfully on themselves.
Psychoanalysts go through 5-7 years of intense psycho analysis.
So they don't limit their clients to their own size.
Now look at our relationship with Source: same thing. The size doesn't matter. We look at Source in two different ways: like kids used to look at grandpa: almighty, or as a slightly bigger version of us, warts and all.
In the Love activator I am working on activating the capacity to love and to co-create.
I my conversations with people, neither even has a trace of it active: I have my job cut out for me.
If you have a chance, buy the 9 books of The Ringing Cedars of Russia. It is long, total about 2,000 pages.
If you are not a reader, don't bother. But if you are, it can gently, word by word, establish a fertile soil in you for both love and co-creation.
And then please contact me. I want to work with you. I think we can create a new humanity together.