Your homepage… The emotion you return to in the most inconvenient moments

remove someone from your heartWe all have it.

Mine is devastation. It pops up when it's most unexpected. Devastation is between grief and terror... squeezes a tiny drop of tear in my eye, no matter where I am, who I am with, when it hits.

It comes up often when I compliment someone.

The other day I sent out an email. I ended with a sentence: "I love working with you."

Most people just ignored it as social grease.

Two people cried.

One person was pierced by it... dumbfounded why.

If someone told me they loved me (and the feeling matched their words) I would, most likely, burst out crying. The devastation, my home page, was my reaction to not being loved, to not being wanted.

It will never stop hurting. I think this was the main reason I aspired to flying, I aspired to go all the way to the top, where I can be alone. No one to love me, no one to not love me. Normal human reaction.

It's not the same as depression, or even being sad. It can become that... if you resist it or indulge it.

If I wanted to fix this feeling, that I will never be loved, as I have in the past, it would turn into the cycle of hope and hopelessness... opening myself up to a lot of hurt, betrayal, being used.

Instead, I consider it the weather... actually a little better... weather sometimes gives you weeks of sweltering heat, or pouring rain, or arctic cold.

The devastation is just a few minutes...

Yesterday I watched a Netflix series, and was hit by the experience of being an underdog... At the mercy of the big dogs... father, bosses, government...

Other times it is regret and sadness... same Netflix series... something done, not correctable.

Grief over loss... Th loss of someone, loss of something, but most importantly, loss of a sense that the world is fair, that you are safe, that you are wanted, loved, and OK.

Love-Pain-WallpaperYour homepage is a feeling, that like an echo, like a shadow, follows you till you die. You can't fix it, you need to turn it into an ally.

You can... if your spouse agrees.

I have observed that you marry the person whose soul correction and homepage best matches your own.

And then you are locked in step... neither will grow.

Of all my students, about 20% of them live in a marriage. They struggle most to sustain any growth.

Why is that? Because marrying the person whose soul correction will compensate your own, is somewhat unwholesome, and if the marriage works, it creates a homeostasis... a workable union, that is lower vibration than the individuals.

I am not opposing marriage, I am opposing the tepid waters of no growth...

But please forgive me... Growth, human evolution is not just my purpose, it is also my agenda... lol. Not so secret agenda... This is my militant side... lol

What is your homepage? It is similar but not the same as your doom... And it is not the same as your dominant belief. It's a feeling that is very familiar to you.

Any ideas?

Please share below... it's OK to be anonymous.

Author: Sophie Benshitta Maven

award winning architect, magazine publisher, transformational and spiritual coach and teacher, self declared Avatar

6 thoughts on “Your homepage… The emotion you return to in the most inconvenient moments”

  1. Numbness. Disconnection. Dwelling the the space between my life force and being able to bring that into expressin in the world. That limbo. That “Why bother?” feeling. ( One side is sadness at the missing connection, the other side is a dismissive arrogance.)

  2. I used to be 100% like that, and even now the thoughts come up.

    But I don’t act on them. I wait. I feel. In my body. I sit down and ponder if the statement “It ain’t necessarily so” could be true.

    I haven’t quit anything for a few years now… except walking. And some things, even now, look impossible. But I know I am not seeing something, so I keep looking and continuing the actions that look hopeless.

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