Thank god, I can relate to this... I didn't know myself, didn't even begin to know myself until 1988 or so. It's a stumbling block I myself had to go over... and it wasn't a walk in the park, so I see your hesitation.
And it isn't the easiest stumbling block either. It takes courage. Man of Fear won't even go there. Man of Courage... hell yeah... once he finds out that it is missing.
It's a difficult stumbling block, because knowing means: accurately. And knowing means: sober eyes. Not critical, not judgmental, not apologetic, not justifying. And not running away.
Things are the way they are, and aren't the way they aren't... You are the way you are, and you aren't the way you aren't.
Sounds final, but that is exactly what it isn't.
Allowing facts to be facts, is what allows them to change, grow, morph into something else.
Hiding them, whitewashing them, lying about them, trying to change is what makes them unchangeable... fixed.
Claiming that you don't want to be the way you are, or that you want this or want that... is what keeps you the same. It's a strategy I see every day... Results? Disastrous.
Ownership is needed. Owning who you are, owning how you are, warts and all.
You see, until you do, you are stuck on the lowest level of not-animal... on the systemic level. You don't even really have access to the extrinsic level, where your interactions, your relationships, your work, your money lives. Your worth a damn factor. Your worldly worth.
As long as you see anything wrong that you are, instead of it being just what it is.
To the degree that you can own who you are, to the same degree you can start to elevate yourself. To the degree that you don't need to hide, don't need to cover up, don't need to explain...
Tall order, isn't it?
And although I know you are here because you hope that I will do something and suddenly it will be all good, I am sorry, this is something that no one can do for you.
I had a call with a student yesterday, whose real person and public persona are diametrically opposing.
At home she is cowardly, indecisive, good for nothing.
But if you go to lunch with her, she'll talk you to death, proving how much she knows, how smart she is. How much smarter than you.
Obviously she is quite typical.
And I can talk till my mouth hurts, unless she looks in the mirror and sees herself for who she is, she is stuck... stuck in both behaviors; the private and the public.
Or the delusional one... who knows he is one way, but if he just looks at what is possible... he fancies himself there... and now he is that.
But you are a lot of this and a lot of that... some you like, most you don't. And you are unclear, confused, and can't just look.
How well do you think you'll do in life if you are that confused? If you are that foggy about what is what? I hope that you can see that it's the ticket to not doing well, heartbreak, sadness, disappointments, and broken dreams.
One area that is most obvious to me is health.
When I examine, nearly anyone, their health number is very low. They are dehydrated and their body isn't supportive to what they are doing, and their body isn't supportive to being sharp, seeing things for what they are, or even doing the work of "knowing yourself".
When your body is struggling to stay alive, you become narrow focused; you are in survival mode.
Bells going off, anyone?
Everyone wants longevity... but why not, instead, put life into the years you have?!
Oh, you don't know you could? You can.
The highest health number I found is Dr. Wallach. But want to be surprised? He is dehydrated. Or said in another way, his cells operate in an advanced state of drying out. In fact 90% dried out.
When you listen to him, which you should, he is right about a lot of things he says... even though everything looks like a nail to his "I have a hammer" approach. 1
What you need to hear is that he is like a freight train... narrow cone of vision, not looking anywhere other than what he knows.
That's why his truth value is not higher, and that's why he is dehydrated.
He stopped growing 40 years ago.
He had the opportunity to grow, he has the spiritual capacities to grow (20). but he didn't grow, because his cells are in survival mode... because of dehydration.
There is a capacity that most people need, and could keep on indefinitely, if...
The capacity is called "Self-trust".
It's missing for you... isn't it?
Self-trust, the capacity, allows you to willfully get lost, to willfully make mistakes, to willfully experiment, so you can see a bigger world, so you can see the error of your ways, the error of your thinking.
And it tells you, that if and when you get into trouble, you can deal with it.
It's not courage... it is a capacity that is at the root of growing... But here is the problem: this is the capacity that is most closely tied to your health number, especially to your hydration level.
If your cells are struggling to make do with the level of hydration they have, you won't be able to keep the capacity on, and you won't be able to "waste" your precious energy on experimenting, instead of staying alive; surviving.
Lots of people have bought the Energizer® energy, the one that energizes your water to 650 vibration, where it suddenly becomes coherent, becomes the kind of water that is harmonious with your cells.
Water that is not coherent is not accepted by the cells, except a little bit, just to prevent cell death.
Which means that 90% of the water you drink just goes through you, without providing your body with the most important nutrient: water.
With the new equipment configuration it is easier to energize your drinking water to 650 than before... and you can start coming back to life, be more intelligent, and be able to see, be willing to see more of the world, not just the narrow swath in front of you that you want to see.
Make sure your water is fully energized. 2
Best to start with filtered water... tap water takes a lot longer to energize and it won't ever be fully coherent.
I will look and think how to make your shower and your swimming pool energized as well. Getting closer to a solution.
One idea is to put the audio source, the loudspeaker into big bubbles of thin membrane, and play the audio to lakes.
I know it can be done...
Toxins lose their toxicity when they are shaken into coherence...
Just like your inner toxins. Whether they are physical, or mental.