A student of mine lives in the same town as I do and for a while he used to drive me around to do errands.
Then I realized that it made him feel entitled to insult me on calls, so I put an end to that arrangement.
That was about two months ago.
He sent me a few emails offering rides, etc.
We even spent a few good times doing “exploring your own neighborhood” type of things, like visiting lakes and such.
Every email that he sends emphasizes that he is giving me something, asking me what I need… etc.
I stopped wanting anything.
I don’t want him to give me anything any more. I experience a feeling akin to hate or anger rising in me every time I think of him.
My regular driver is taking a break: she works at the New York State Fair for a few days, and I am driverless. I need stuff. But I won’t ask my student for help because of what I want to share with you.
If you are a perpetual and compulsive giver, you think that you are a good person, don’t you? Am I correct?
Consider that people will be willing to take what you give them, but secretly they hate your gut.
why would that be so?
Let’s ask some questions, ok?
Who has the upper hand in a relationship? The giver or the receiver?
The receiver is needy and the giver can feel good about themselves.
Do you feel good about yourself when you are needy? No.
There is another, hidden, dynamic, called “perpetration/withhold”.
You do something to another, gossip, take too much, steal, cheat, think bad, that YOU consider bad. Morally bad.
When you do something you consider morally bad, you are trying to hide it. You are trying to justify it. You are going to explain it. You will have a good reason why you did what you did.
One of the justifications is finding fault with the person you perpetrated upon. Your boss, your spouse, your friend, your teacher, the government, your neighbor. In that justification they will be the guilty part and what you did will be justified: after all they deserved it.
You’ll feel righteous indignation, maybe even anger. That will work like a smokescreen: no one will look at what you did: and you won’t have to look either. So you can feel good about yourself, you are the good guy, and they are the bad guy.
Now, let’s return to the type of relationships where one is getting and the other one is giving…
The recipient will be getting more than their moral compass considers a fair and balanced share. Their greed will tell them to continue receiving, but their soul will tell them to stop.
They will, probably, continue receiving but see all that is wrong with you, avoid you socially, treat you badly, and ultimate hate you. You make them feel bad by giving them too much.
There are soul-corrections where the main move of the person to correct is this forceful giving.
What could be under that “obsession?”
When I look at individuals, they all had a desire to be taken care of, they all decided that they don’t matter, or probably don’t matter, and therefore they need to buy/earn their right to be with people.
Another sign of this type of giving, that you so concentrate on what you give, that you don’t appreciate what you get. Even though you created this whole “racket” to get… it robs you of your pleasure to appreciate, to be grateful, to enjoy what you get.
This is not a loving reason to be with people, is it? It is selfish, self-serving, using the other person, even though on the surface these guys are the givers. But what it covers up is that they want to control you and dominate you so you won’t have a choice but be with them for your own reason, while giving them what they would not have the courage to ask for, would not want to pay for, but want.
I used to be one of these people.
Most giving is a thinly veiled move to receive something that is not your due.
I have a few people in my environment, this student included, who would never get to spend time with me if they didn’t give me something. I would not pick them to be friends or companions. In fact I didn’t.
They are the service providers.
If they stopped their forceful giving, I would probably consider spending time with them for no reason.
But they make me feel bad, they make me feel like a beggar, a destitute person who needs them.
So I hate them… wouldn’t you?
Of course I know better, and I manage my feelings, but that doesn’t make me any more willing to be friends with them.
Who is the ultimate loser? Them, right?
Or if you, if this is how you are organizing your relationships.
People ask because it is easier than to do for themselves.
You can allow people to grow when you allow them to do for themselves. It is very selfish to give give give, it is all about you.
And while you are doing for others, you are not doing your own work…
Chastened? lol…
So are you supposed to stop doing for people? How to deal with people who constantly ask for favors… This raises so much for me.. I feel chastened, how odd