A few years ago, (maybe 3?) I went over the list of people I was angry at, or disappointed by. I made an all-out attempt to liberate myself from the bondage anger or disappointment creates.
Anger, resentment, disappointment: all symptoms of ego/mind, all symptoms of thinking of the future and feeling threatened. Look at how the Indonesian Mimic Octopus makes sure that they don’t fall prey to having any reason for anger, etc. But humans are not as intelligent: they willingly put themselves in that position… Don’t forget to read the rest of the article once you are done watching the video
I knew, in theory, that no one can do anything to you. That it is not what they do that makes you miserable, it is what you say about it. That it’s always your ego that is bruised.
But there is a difference between theory and practice. You know it, and I know it.
When you say you forgave someone, you, mostly lie. You may smile, but your insides cringe, or tighten some recognizable ways, and as an empath, I have no doubt. You can’t deceive me: it is not possible to fake emotions, or even emotionlessness.
Someone who has truly cut those emotional ties is like an ocean at 6 pm: smooth, mirrorlike. No ripples, no waves. A deep inner peace.
Returning to the story, I had one person I had a hard time forgiving. An ex boy-friend.
I spent only three years with him, most of it was hell, most of it was need or no choice.
This is the guy that implied in so many ways that we were going to get married, and once the m-word was uttered, I found myself in slavery and bondage.
It is not that I loved the actuality of marriage: I never did. I always thought that “marriage is two people’s joint venture to solve problems that would not exist without the marriage.” Simone De Beauvoir said that, a fiercely independent French writer and philosopher.
I found the statement both hilariously funny and very instructive.
But marriage, at the time, would have brought me goodies I could not get any other ways, so I enslaved myself.
The marriage never happened, instead a hellish, nightmarish cohabitation did, where I found myself uncreative, suffering, stupid, and hopeless.
I broke out of it after three years, but the resentment remained. It felt that it was his doing, not mine.
So, three years ago I called him on the phone and told him that I forgave him, and that I loved him. He hurriedly ended the conversation, and I was still left with the resentment, forever in bondage.
Forgiveness is tricky. On one hand they have never done anything to you, and you don’t need to forgive them. On the other hand taking responsibility for everything that happened in the relationship is superhuman. People mostly pretend having forgiven.
The reason this is so damaging to you is because you left a fragment of yourself, a fragment of your soul in that resentment, and you are not whole and complete, like a bicycle wheel lacking a spoke. Anything and everything can damage you, anger you, upset you, throw you out of balance. The integrity of your life is suffering.
In one of the “Activate Divinity” processes I reclaimed myself from that relationship.
It felt very innocent: I forgave myself for doing what I did, I forgave myself for offering myself to bondage.
Last night that ex called. He spent a large chunk of the 45 minutes on the phone apologizing, and reminiscing over his loss. When we finally hung up, he was as incomplete as when he started. Telling me he loved me and asking my forgiveness didn’t do the trick for him.
And whether it is the outer matching the inner, I don’t know. But it just so happens, that he is losing his eye sight. He is on permanent disability. Can’t drive. Lives at the mercy of his parents.
When I looked into him, he’s been poisoned. Toxic emotions can do that to you. So can wine: somehow a lot of wine seem to have heavy metal in it, I think it comes from how the barrels are treated, but I could be wrong.
If I cared enough, I would suggest to him to join the Activate Divinity class. But I don’t care that much.
It is his life, and I am not a do-gooder. When he is ready, he will.
Update: he called again today. I am sending him my eye remedy infused with the Heaven on Earth. I am sure it will help his eyes. Maybe his emotional vulnerability.
It is not time for him to do the Activate Divinity Course yet: he needs to bring himself up to the level where he has enough energy and courage to look at his life.