I left it off where by 4 pm the day of my return from my first Landmark course, four people at the City of Jerusalem office registered into a course, because they wanted what I got. I went from misery to pride, a vibration of 35 to 175 during that weekend, or more specifically in that 15 minute exercise where I had the insight that I blamed my father for not marrying me.
And no, the issue wasn’t whether I can marry another or not… though it has come up as a question later, much later. The issue was the anger that was tied up in that incident, in that blame, and also the self-disgust of having been used. Being used is still a sore spot for me, but I don’t try to punish everyone for my own misery any more. I did, for many many decades.
As in every Landmark course, there was a Tuesday night evening session. Trekking to Haifa was not on my schedule, but given the result I got, I decided to go. People shared what they got out of the course, and I didn’t understand half of it. I didn’t share. I didn’t know what I got out of it, other than people didn’t leave the bathroom like before. Although it was significant, I could not explain what happened.
I didn’t know about energy, I didn’t know about vibration, I didn’t know about anything that would explain why that happened. Don’t forget, 175 is still a low vibration: still below where you can consider yourself a human being in training. Life is still all about you at 175.
I slept in Haifa at a classmate’s home. We talked till the wee hours of the morning.
After work that day a friend of mine asked me if I wanted to accompany her to America. I said yes. It surprised me, because I should not have said yes: I had no money at all. She said, ok, call so and so and ask him to pay for your air fare. So I called. I just said hi, explained who I was, and asked the guy to pay for my air fare. Why? he asked. Because Rachel said she needed me to go with her. OK, he said. I went back to Rachel and reported that it was done. She asked: and did you ask him to pay for our accommodation? I did not, I answered, slightly trembling at the outrageousness of it all. But I went back to the phone and called the guy again, and asked him to pay for our accommodation. He was silent for a little while, and then, annoyed, he said yes.
The trip was scheduled for three weeks later, and my job was to get ready, raise some money for eating and such, saw some clothes for myself, prepare a portfolio to show architects in America, get a passport and a visa… get permission to be off work for six weeks.
I didn’t sleep much in those three weeks, but it was all done.
The most crucial moment was asking for a visa.
My parents were communists, founding members of the Hungarian communist (was called socialist) party. My last boy friend was the head of the technical intelligence of the Hungarian Army. I did not expect to get a visa.
As I was sitting at the American Consulate in Jerusalem, I was sure I was going to get off the hook: I would never get a visa.
After waiting for 20 minutes, a well-dressed man came out from the back office, called my name. He reached out his hand, handed me my visa, wished me a fabulous trip. It was the Consul. WTF? right?
And here is my famous 20/20 hindsight: my internal state was so changed, my self-hatred diminished to such degree that what I was thinking with my conscious mind could not silence the song in my heart, the optimism about my future, my bright outlook.
Most people are bright in their speaking, laugh a lot, talk hopefully, but inside, in their subconscious they hate life, they are a loser, they don’t deserve, and that hidden aspect, the subconscious is what dominated, not what’s on the top, not what’s in the visible.
When I got to New York, I promptly looked for a job. I was offered a 35K job at my first interview, the week after my arrival. 27 years ago. That was a lot of money then.
I didn’t take it. I didn’t like the type of buildings this firm had designed. lol
Watch this short video where I explain why positive thinking, avoiding negativity, and other happy horse-s-h-i-t doesn’t work, and explain what does.