I left off the article yesterday that in preparation to Saturday's Activate Divinity, I found and integrated a fragment of my self.
Here is the incident how come I lost that fragment:
When I was three and a half years old, I was raped. I was washed up and taken home. My mother heard the story, looked at me, said "you are a whore" and turned away in disgust.
I didn't know what whore meant, and surely I didn't know that it had anything to do with sex. I didn't know about sex. Sex didn't happen to me.
What I did know is this: in the basement apartment lived a family that moved there, to the mountain where we lived, because their daughter had tuberculosis. The clean air of the mountain is said to cure that.
She was a beautiful girl, about 17 at the time. She dressed beautifully. She wore expensive clothes, quite in contrast with their apartment and anyone I knew.
My mother called her a whore too.
The association, nice clothing, with the passing years extended to personal hygiene, to keeping my clothes clean, keeping my room clean, to money... It never even gone close to sex... weird, isn't it?
I was trying to prove to my mother that I wasn't a whore. Until yesterday I was still trying.
Yesterday I embraced that little girl that in that pronouncement (you are a whore) lost her right to wear nice clothes, live in a nice place, or earn and keep money. I did the integration process on this fragment.
At my seminar, last night, I shared that with the class. The seminar leader nodded in agreement. She really got the nice clothes part. Her agreement drove it right home. I have 60 years of grief and sadness leaking out of my eyes today.
I am looking at all the cost I have paid to make sure I don't have to agree with my mother. The nice clothes I never wear that hang in my closet. The dirty sink... which, quite unexpectedly, I scrubbed today as I was thinking of this article for you.
I cannot imagine my life being free from this compulsion of proving my mother wrong. It will take some learning, I guess. But if the process really works, which I believe it does, eventually I will become normal. A normal woman. Can you imagine that?
So, what can you learn from this?
Here are the things you could take away from my story:
- When something about you doesn't seem to want to change, no matter what you do, then you need to dig deeper. It is a good idea to have someone hold the dirt while you are digging for gold.
The digging sessions in the Activate Divinity Course involve 15-30 minute individual one-on-one digging, with me. I am amazing when it comes to digging...
- When transforming one aspect of a story doesn't transform your behavior or being: keep looking at different aspects, or different incidents: don't get stuck with just one view of a 360 degree reality.
- Remember, an insight is a dime a dozen. Unless you create an action consistent with the insight, life will go back to how it was before the insight.
In most cases, suspecting that an incident created a fragmentation of your self can lead you to a permanent alteration in your reality: you can integrate your fragment into your self and that fragment, now a part of the whole, will stop creating the weirdness in your life.
The expression: he doesn't play with a full deck now has a new meaning: if you are not successful, or not as successful at life as you wish you could be, what is there, inevitably, a fragmentation of your self.
- I was not a whore,
- whore doesn't mean nice clothes...
- you can never prove that you aren't something...
After integration these lies disappear and you can start learning how to live with your new, fuller self.
Once you integrate all your fragments into a whole torus, you'll be as close to enlightened as a human being can ever get. Guaranteed.
One more thing: the hardest thing to understand that what keeps you fragmented is that the desire to be right about how wrong you were is very seductive.
Embracing the aspects of you locked up in the denied fragments of your self is the hardest thing you'll ever do. Why? Because by embracing them, you are afraid to become that wrong, that bad, that selfish, that whatever-you-said-you were.
It's your shadow, but you want to have no shadow. You want to outrun your shadow. But the nature of the shadow is to run as fast as you run. Inseparable, like the front of the hand and the back of the hand. You can't have the front without the back. But you try: you slice off the back of the hand only to have a new back... and no matter how thin you slice, no matter how little of the original self has remained, you can still fragment it more, and you do that every day.
Acceptance is not politically correct. It is not socially acceptable, because it makes people uncomfortable: the majority prefers looking happy and being miserable inside... and you owning your shadow makes them look at their own shadow and sometimes even hate you.
Just know that what we are doing is revolutionary, and that it is going to take courage to be yourself, your self, and be willing to be not sheep... do you have that?
One more thing: if you are attracted to this work, chances are that you are going to have what it takes. Maybe not without a fight, not without struggle, but you have it and if you hang in there, you'll attain to the level that you are ready to attain.
Your attraction comes from a deep level, from the level of self. Allow it to guide you.
There was once a course, simply called the 6-day course. It was a most challenging course... and expensive. The "pitch" was: if you are uncomfortable hearing this, than your self is talking and you are uncomfortable with that. The self will ask you to jump through hoops you don't know you can survive. Good... if the self asks you, then you probably can.
I'll see you on the other side