This is a very personal, very self-reflective post, I am not trying to teach anything. If you learn something, I am happy. But I am not writing it to teach. With that said… here it goes…
I have reduced my “work-load” to the degree, that I now often find myself with nothing to do.
I responded by making a list of things to do when there is nothing to do. I think this is the first time for a list like that: my life has been busy. Until now. It is not that I could not do a thousand and one things to grow my business, make myself fit, enjoy myself: it is just not on the schedule, so they are not part of “what there is to do…”
So my place is still a wreck, I still have tons of stuff I would not want to take with me if I wanted to move, so there could be a lot of things to do, if I just put them on my list.
Instead of that, I bought a book to read; it passed my picky muscle test. 1
It’s a book about a teenager. WTF? What was I thinking? But I trust my muscle test, so I kept reading it. It didn’t make sense why I “had to” read it until the very end. The end was so unexpected, that I was jolted out of my calm, and into a turmoil.
As an empath, because of the incredible talent (or accurate memory) of the author, I experienced the sensations of a molested kid and a molester… confusing, disturbing, and way too close to home.
I have been crying my heart out, it is coming from deep, deep, deeper than I have ever gone. No words, no individual emotions, just crying, sobbing, wailing, I hope no one hears it: it is ungodly.
I don’t even know if I am crying for myself, or for the millions of little kids that got confused and tainted by adults touching them inappropriately. Especially when the perpetrator is someone close, whose job is to keep you safe.
Confusion is one of the worst mind-states: it’s a kind of paralysis with no exit sign. Until the cause of the confusion is cut, until you are relieved from feeling guilty, or trying to protect the perpetrator, justifying it, etc. I think there is no permission for clarity, anywhere, any time, there is no life for you.
I got lucky, by age 49 I found all (I think) the instances of molestation and such, and ever since then I have been able to raise my vibration.
The kid in the book is lucky, he gets a chance to come clean at 16.
The book handles this in one sentence… the movie they made from the movie gives it at least 15 frames so you can’t miss it.
Stuff from the bottom of the iceberg is easy to miss.
People, my readers, are noticing now that they have the evil eye… not good news, but you can’t catch what you can’t see. And you can’t get rid of anything that you can’t catch.
I caught something myself this week. This kid, in the book, is visited by all his family, not just his mother. When I was in the hospital, my brothers never visited me.
I never wondered why they didn’t care about me. I got some clue from the movie: the mother loved her son in the movie. My mother didn’t love me. Mothers are like role-models: they indicate their offspring who to love and who to ignore. My brothers took the hint.
But I got another aspect of it: I expected not to be loved, and my attitude was grief and resignation. I didn’t think it was going to be any different, ever, and it never changed.
Landmark Education says that your attitude perpetuates the whole scenario, I don’t expect anyone to like me, and I am right.
Tough week for everyone in my circles. I guess it’s expected: every time we start a new course, stuff starts to come up. Like a “coming attraction” so you can be prepared for what you will need to deal with.
- The perks of being a wallflower. Some quotes from that book: http://www.goodreads.com/author/quotes/12898.Stephen_Chbosky