Undeclared commitments: what is under the hood

i'll show you mine if you me yoursMy horoscope often tells me what I should be dealing with, either for myself, or for you and me.

This is the horoscope I received in my email box today, from Rob Brezsny:

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): If you were a snake, it would be a fine time to molt your skin. If you were a river, it would be a perfect moment to overflow your banks in a spring flood. If you were an office worker, it would be an excellent phase to trade in your claustrophobic cubicle for a spacious new niche. In other words, Virgo, you're primed to outgrow at least one of your containers. The boundaries you knew you would have to transgress some day are finally ready to be transgressed. Even now, your attention span is expanding and your imagination is stretching.

Now, whether it is addressed to me, or whether it is addressed to us, I am going to attend to both aspect.

The first thing to examine where it is where "we", you and me, consider certainty, security, knowing more comfortable than stretching.

For me it's my living situation. I have noticed that the past two days I have been warming up to the idea of staying where I am, in spite of all the signs that I am not at the right place. That there is no way I can respect myself allowing myself to be abused, taken advantage.

And then again, the view, the "I can deal with this"...

Anything else? I can't see it... but I'll put the question on my "Reticular Activator", the same we use in the Color Exercise, to stumble upon more self-caging behavior.

For you? can you see anything?

It is never an accident that I am sent articles about the same topic when a topic comes up.

This is what happened today. I'll republish a part of that article, and then give you the link:

Here you go:

Why Chasing What You’re After Keeps You From Getting What You Want

by Rich Schefren

It’s your life-long quest. A universal goal. The holy grail of happiness.

It’s what everybody on the planet wants just a little more of. (And it’s an entrepreneurs biggest obstacle to incredible performance.)

What am I talking about?



The inability to deal with uncertainty (i.e. your search for security) is at the root of so many of performance limiting behaviors I couldn’t list them all here. Your lack of confidence. Indecision. Not enough information. Procrastination. Perfectionism. Heck, it may be at the root of every self-limiting thing you do.

So if it’s so debilitating, why are we so drawn to the dream of security and terrified by the prospect of uncertainty?

Because it’s pretty much been programmed into your head since day one.

In some way or another, it’s all you’ve been taught. Uncertainty is BAD. It’s dangerous. It’s evil. Taking risks never ends well.

Whether or not it’s any of those things is debatable. But there’s one thing it absolutely is…

It’s EVERYWHERE. It’s reality. And it’s not going away. So you need to buck up and learn to face it.

Because if you don’t, then nothing will change.

Refuse to accept uncertainty as a fact of life and you’ll end up clinging to things you don’t really want.

You’ll end up wasting more and more money on solutions that simply won’t work. (And that’ll be the least of your problems.)

You’re going to keep suffering the frustration of whatever it is you’re struggling with today. A lack of confidence, procrastination, information overload, perfectionism, doubt, whatever. It will never go away.

And even worse than that, you’re going to keep clinging to a life that is below what your true personal potential can offer you.

Because swapping your true potential for “certainty” is always a bad trade.

I’m going to show you why. (And by the end of this post, the realization you come to may have you in tears.)

But before we get to all that, let’s talk a little about the real nature of uncertainty.

Your Ideas About Uncertainty Are All Wrong

It’s the prospect of facing uncertainty – the possibility of becoming worse off than you are right now – that keeps you stuck. After all, “The devil you know is better than the devil you don’t.” Right?
Continue here

Now, Rich is talking about certainty. But this is true for any "undeclared commitment". They all hold you back.

We have a lot of those. Undeclared (covert) commitments. Agendas we don't violate. Agendas we hide.

The main ones are

  • Being right
  • Avoid being wrong, avoid making a mistake
  • Looking good
  • Avoid looking bad
  • Dominate
  • Avoid domination
  • Win (at all cost, damn ideals, and other nice stuff. Best if there is also a loser!)
  • Avoid losing
  • Avoid being responsible
  • Justify yourself
  • Invalidate another
  • Get even. Steal if you have to. Lie if you have to. Kill if you have to
  • Being comfortable

Some 25 years ago I distinguished something that has been the secret of my self-growth, and the secret of being able to help others to grow.

The secret is validation.

Validation is saying: something is valid. One of our main undeclared commitments is to invalidate others, invalidate everything about them. Really.

It leaves you in a bad place, without any compassion. You take on toxic energies when you do that... when you invalidate.

And almost instantly raise your vibration when you validate what you can validate.

Validation is not what is the movie "validation" at all.

Validation is seeing that something or other about the person or their actions is valid.

Like looking at Trump, who I hope you don't like (and if you do, you are on the wrong site!).

The tendency is to invalidate everything about the dude, his hair, his English, his politics, etc.

And between you and me: you are smearing yourself when you do that. Ugh.

So what can you validate about the dude? lol

Hey, maybe on the surface: nothing. But if you read my articles, you'll see that most of what makes a difference is under the surface.

So the guy wants to look good. He wants to invalidate all the people who think he can't do it. He is comfortable being a reality show participant, even though he is about to kindle a world war. He wants to win, dominate, and Lie if he has to, steal if he has to, kill if you has to.

Find in yourself instances where you did the same. OK, not being a president, and not causing a world war... the rest. lol

I did, and I found examples.

Those undeclared commitments are as universal as anything: we all have it. And we have a reason, and if we don't, we make some up.

They are called survival moves. It is in the genes.

The genes are your lower self. The genes are not your friend, 70% of the cases. But that doesn't stop the genes from wanting what the genes want.

Or you from wanting what the genes want. And then lie about what YOU want...

I had to become brilliant at validating, because without that I would still be a firing queen... throw people out.

I can control what I do. I can't control the flashes of hate or disgust I feel when I see your behavior that needs to be validated by me to be able to not scream bloody murder.

So, when it is your undeclared commitment: the moment you own it, the moment you are willing to validate it, you just put yourself into the driver's seat.

If you are still invalidating me because you are right, you are not in the driver's seat.

If you are still more interested in avoiding my domination, or trying to invalidate me or my coaching: you are not in the driver's seat.

Consider validating what I say and validating your undeclared commitment.

And then manage your actions.

Robert Fritz has a brilliant book that I think I own... where he teaches managing change.

The technique uses validation. And it is causing inching toward change: so both aspects, both valid desires and commitments can get expressed.

Not one or the other... both.

So you can become all you can become.

Grow and consolidate. Grow and consolidate. Build some more foundation, grow, and consolidate.

The path to any height, any accomplishment, any height of vibration.

Author: Sophie Benshitta Maven

award winning architect, magazine publisher, transformational and spiritual coach and teacher, self declared Avatar

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