On depression: I think I nailed it

On depression: being not at the right place, not in the right environment, not doing the right thing, not being the right one.

Depression is and has been the marker of my road… like the fields on the side of the road mark out the road.

Inevitably oftentimes the road leads into the field, or the field creeps into the road… and a depressed mood, a hopelessness, a futility starts mixing into my life.

It is hard to sleep, or hard to get up, or both.

Nothing changed and everything changed.

I have been watching it with curiosity mixed with worry… it is not pleasant to be depressed.

But today curiosity won out: I stopped worrying about death.

In this article am going to allow Source to guide me to know more, to allow me to be the captain of my ship more…

I watched half an hour of the comedy special of an Indian comic that was filmed in Delhi and in a New York comedy club at the same time, at least virtually.

The jokes of the comic bombed 90% in New York, for me, and landed famously in Delhi.

The leopard doesn’t change its spots… Home is where they “get it”, whatever you say, or whoever you are.

I didn’t know Robin Williams. I had seen some of his films.

Then, out of the blue, I got a few pictures of him in the mail, taken by Keith, my one-time photographer in my magazine. Robin Williams rubs himself to Keith like a cat, wanting connection.

I recognize that move. Innate. Wanting to be alone, and wanting to be counted. An inner conflict of the two… both not quite it.

Osho has hundreds of talks, recorded, transcribed, turned into books. He is the guru of many.

He was depressed. Not at home. Not fully expressed. Not quite himself… Not quite sewing his seeds in fertile ground. His brilliance lost.

The experience of being rightly used by life is rare.

We call it: well.

The experience of having given all you got and “live” is receiving it, is wellness. Emotional, spiritual, existential wellness.

Never quite happening. And, my assertion, this is happening less and less.

More and more people are in the receiving zone of your gifts, less and less people are fertile ground.

One of my students? no. Client? no. What is she? a woman who has been following me since the beginning.

Well, she is an artist. She creates beautiful things, whether it’s a painting, or some craft, it’s beautiful.

In a world even just 20-30 years ago she would have local celebrity, she would be known by the people who resonates with what she does.

Today she is learning internet marketing, search engine optimization, and she is trying to sell her stuff on Etsy.

90% or more what she is required to do is to find the small group she and her stuff connects to.

But… but… connecting is an art we are not taught. There is a ton of talk about it… I have at least 30 books on my kindle that teach it. Boring as hell… They didn’t manage to connect to me… teaching how to connect to MY people… Ugh… something is fundamentally off here.

In 1980 I traveled Europe. I spend a few days with a couple in Rotterdam. He a biochemist, she a stay at home wife. She made tiny flowers from some clay-like matter and made tiny earrings in different colors.

She visited gift shops all over, and her tiny earrings sold a lot. People connected to it, and bought it.

She had the art of connecting. There is not a week that I don’t think of her. Her husband was in awe of her… they connected, we connected.

I fell in love with Holland through our talks that often went till the morning…

The rare memories of connection.

I carefully store in my memory banks the two moments when my mother and I connected. Two moments. In 52 years.

I have a stuffed tiger I have in my bed. I connect to it every night. We gaze into each other’s eyes, and I am grateful. I kiss its tiny button-nose. I hug it close to my chest.

I write/speak for a living.

I am more present of the words, the ideas, not going through. Where there is no connection.

To me it is obvious.

It is not up to me. “Connecting” to an unwilling other is like rape: you cannot call it “making love”.

Without connection there is no experience of “home”.

I remember when I first connected to Source. It was my first experience of coming home. I wept. I still experience it when I connect to connect… I don’t, when my “job” is to download energies, then I am not at home, I am a tool.

Not my favorite state of being. I don’t mind being useful, but I don’t enjoy it.

In the From upsets to communication course I got a glimpse of the cause of disconnection.

The expression: two passing trains in the night is quite apt.

It is the “field of communication” that decides the experience. The experience of connection of no connection. Of love or no love. Of home or not home.

If you are in one field and I am in another: we can’t connect. I could move into YOUR field, but I don’t want to. I could… but…

What I have to say doesn’t make sense in certain fields. They find closed ears, closed minds. Closed connection. And at the same time siphon away my energy, my Life Force.

It takes humility to move between fields, to move so the other can say what they need to say, what you paid for, what you claimed you wanted to learn.

Humility, well, we don’t know what humility is… but the opposite: being completely and totally closed: we know. We recognize it in ourselves and in others.

Desire to receive for the self alone will make you closed. You don’t want to connect because you prefer to take. Connection is give and take. You don’t want to give of yourself, because you live in scarcity.

The opposite of this closed state is, maybe, abundance.

We could say that to the degree that you are willing to be open for two way energy exchange, for a real connection, to the same degree you are open to abundance.

Abundance with everything.

Abundance of love. Abundance of success. Abundance of fulfillment. Abundance of ease and grace.

In one of those marketing books I finally heard who is the ideal client/student for me.

I could have heard it before, because I did… but hearing and getting it are two different things./

You hear the words, but, of course, words are symbols for reality… and your understanding of the words is off… this is why your accurate vocabulary is part of my Starting Point Measurements… other than those words you misunderstand every word.

I heard it in Frank Kern’s famous presentation, Your Core Influence. He has a simple test to decide who he wants to work with, who he wants as a client.

He says: I look if I would want to have lunch with them.

Most people, who have no sensitivity to connection, would have lunch with anyone.

But people who have something to give, entrepreneurs, teachers, service providers, having a two-way connection is mandatory for emotional, spiritual, existential well-being… or depression set in.

If you would like to have lunch with me, so you can pick my brain… or because you find me or my ideas interesting… I probably would not want to have lunch with you: you are about you.

Osho lived a life of no connection, and died early. So did Robin Williams.

And many mornings, many days I want to join them.

Except that i think that there are a handful of people who are capable and willing to connect with me in a two-way fashion. I just have to find them.

I now know how important that is.

It’s like the difference between being a prostitute and a lover.

A world of difference.

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Author: Sophie Benshitta Maven

True empath, award winning architect, magazine publisher, transformational and spiritual coach and teacher, self declared Avatar

1 thought on “On depression: I think I nailed it”

  1. Great article Sophie. I really enjoyed it. I suffer from depression and notice that a lot those feelings have to do with being disconnected from others. Yet I force and want this disconnection because I am highly sensitive and soak up other people’s energies because I haven’t got mine under control. There is a desire for connection and the desire to be alone fighting against each other at the same time.

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