Why am I so tired? I lead a session of the From Upset To Communication course/workshop, an experimental course with no curriculum, except my commitment to take you to a place of living in the flow.
It is possible. I did it. But not with what you already have.
People, maybe you, my students, hope that we can have a life like that, without some pain, maybe a lot of pain.
What is the pain about? Well, it is the pain of loss.
Loss of stuff that you are better off getting rid of, clutter, noise... but you are holding onto it all.
The more you think you have, especially ego-wise, the more you are unwilling to lose if for a promise that... well, who knows if it is real.
When you look at people who seem to have a good life, who seem to enjoy it, you don't see that you are any different from them. Maybe you feel better, smarter, swifter, prettier, richer... so you don't understand what they have that you don't.
What they have is a whole lot of different attitudes to life and to themselves.
What they have is a whole lot more spiritual capacities, that are totally invisible to you.
We give lip service to equality. We are all people. True. But inside, because of our upbringing, because of our habits, our world view, our mindset, we are as different as if we were not part of the same species.
No one is locked out, but not many are willing to do the work to belong to the flow people, the fulfilled people, the healthy people...
And looking through your own eyes, you are your worst enemy.
You overestimate yourself.
You blame yourself and you think that makes you virtuous.
You beat yourself up, and you think that it is a growth move.
But you cannot see where you've gone wrong, because it takes years of learning, years of distinguishing, because on the surface, we are all the same.
I have learned from the best of them. And I am also a contrarian. I don't take anything without arguing it. Not even if I said it. Not even if I got it as an answer through muscle testing.
- But my contrarian nature is not resistance... you resist.
- My contrarian nature is not saying "Don't tell me what I feel!" because that is resistance, and self-righteousness.
- My contrarian nature is not prejudice... it's you who reject everything before you even heard it.
So this is why I am so tired.
There are six people in the course, and it is really an unstructured conversation, and I have to be with all the versions and varieties of resistance, and rejection, and resignation, and whatnot... in the two hours, and while I am OK during the workshop, I fall dead shortly afterwards.
That is my experience. Having tried pushing 300lb pigs up a ramp, pigs that don't want to go.
This is not me calling my students a pig... if you heard that, you are more off that I thought, and maybe you shouldn't continue reading at all.
The interesting thing is: all my students are bright, nice people... in every other way they are as different as people can be. I made sure of that. After all this is an experimental course: can I do something that will make them walk up the ramp, and declare the new place home?
I am fighting against seven thousand years of social conditioning. And about 60 years of standardized testing.
The more success you've experienced in life using your mind the way you use it, the less likely you'll want to change.
And without changing you'll be stuck in the one-way to use your brain... school-like. Standardized testing way.
Which is wholly unsuited to the new era where independent thinking, problem solving, creativity, innovation are the requirement for a life worth living.
I have spoken about the fields before. The fields where life happens.
The fields that are conducive to growth and the fields that are conducive to being chicken-shit.
Then I was talking (earlier this week) about the way you think on the Tree of Knowledge. Thinking in concepts, thinking about, running commentary... that takes all your power away from making anything happen, changing anything, or seeing clearly.
And then, long time ago, I have spoken about the birth of your identity and its dynamic to keep you stuck and the same, rackets, and such.
My hunch is that until people discover that their internal dialog makes them have no discernible desire, no measurable ambition to do anything worthwhile, including changing, they won't be willing to change.
My own personal journey from wretched to flow, was, almost entirely due to my willingness to observe this internal dialog.
Except some rare instances, I never tried to change the dialog.
But it seems that I was closer to the internal dialog than most people. I didn't have the habit to describe, or narrate the internal hubbub... I just watched it.
My prediction is: until or unless you start watching it, without reacting, without narrating, without labeling, you will NOT grow. Why? Because growth is impossible on the Tree of Knowledge, where all speaking is speaking about.
I call the speaking that I have, that I observe, "straight up". Where there is no running commentary, or interpretation. Or even when I label, and occasionally I do label, what was said was not replaced by the label, it just got put there, side by side.
Yesterday, on the call, I said to one of the participants: "You hate me for saying this"... and she protested. What the internal voice said: "Don't tell me what I said"... with anger and what I call hatred.
Self-righteous anger is hatred. That is what hatred is.
But hatred is a label, and self-righteous anger is a label too.
What is real is the words. That create the emotions. Margoczi calls these emotions "marker feelings."
No need to know. No need to understand. If you didn't read the book... just ignore the previous line.
The only thing you want to get is that you need to sneak up to the internal dialogue, and watch it.
It is not YOU speaking, it is what we will call, in order to separate it from YOU, IT. It is speaking. And you want to watch it because it is the key to the kingdom.
Because that speaking, the NOT-YOU is what is giving you your life.
And when it is watched, over time, it gets silent. It thrives in the darkness, it thrives in the hiding. It thrives and enjoys running your life.
Attention brings oxygen and light to it, and it starts to shrink... leading to that silent mind, everyone would like to have.
But only those who are willing to do the work will ever get.
If you have a feeling that you could learn what I teach... contact me. Let's talk.
Comments or questions are welcome.