Yesterday we had a last session of the course, From Upset to Communication.
The call was nearly all about integrity... or the lack of it.
There are countless ways to violate integrity.
The most significant ways are
- lying by commission
- lying by omission.
We all tend to know when we actually say something that is a lie...
We rarely know when we lie because we don't know what is the truth
And we almost never realize that withholding the truth is the worst thing we can do for ourselves. It is a lie by omission.
I have written about, and taught the inner dynamic of perpetration-withhold before, but it seems that it is never enough. I have 3000 articles on this site, and no person can read them all... We are talking about more than 30 full size book worth of articles... that is a lot.
Most of you haven't ever read that many books... And most of you will never read that many books. Unfortunately to you.
Anyway, one of the structure of a lie by omission is called perpetration-withhold.
In this, one person, maybe you, does something wrong. Something that you consider wrong. Something you'd rather that people don't know about you. You consider that if people knew it, they would be angry, they would punish you, you would lose the respect and love of people. So you don't say anything.
The interesting inner dynamic is that you need to start to be angry, or maybe even hate the people you most want to keep respecting you.
You perpetrate, you withhold, and you are angry, maybe even hate.
Until you tell the truth, all love, all affinity is lost. You cannot fix it. It is gone... because the structure, the dynamic won't allow you to have it.
I have always had people who fell into this trap... some I unconsciously helped to get there.
How? It was easy...
We all know when something is correct, fair, and even though we all want to get... when we get too much and can't or won't reciprocate, we consider ourself guilty of taking too much.
There is a perpetration. And because you want to keep on getting, in spite of your guilty feelings, you won't tell the truth. You withhold it.
And then start hating me.
This used to be a pattern in my life. The more I gave the more they hated me.
And until I realized what my "generosity" did to people... this was the story of my life: I sowed "generosity" and I reaped hate.
Not a good deal. But I think it was worse for them.
Here is another example: You are my student. I teach you, or so i think. You don't understand. You don't listen well. You are lost.
You know that you were supposed to understand what I said. Or you know you promised me to do something based on what you just learned.
But you missed the teaching...
And you don't want to tell me... You can't do your homework... you are falling behind... you feel guilty... and then... you have to get angry, you have to lash out on me... you have to quit, curse me, or whatever you do when no one is listening.
Unfortunately it takes courage AND the ability to see the future to tell the truth.
Both are missing capacities for most people.
But unless you tell the truth, you have no integrity, you have no self-respect, you have no self-love, you can't and won't love your life, your work, anything.
Of course you do this with other people too... I just don't know about it.
Withholds kill your aliveness, withholds kill your intelligence, your ambition, your health... your life.
Here is a TED talk that reminded me of this...
PS: Watch out for loss of affinity, and loss of aliveness, and start asking: what am I withholding? What am I not telling? What am I not owning up to?
And know: if there is a smoke: there is fire. Anger, hate, distaste, tiredness, when it comes after you liked someone is a sure sign of a withhold.
How to tell the truth? The best is to own what you did...
Often it is saying something bad about someone. Say: I have been gossiping about you.
Whatever you did can be owned... And once you own it and willing to take the consequences, you start to come alive.