boys… I always wanted to be a boy. They seem unperturbed, laugh a lot. Today I prefer to be a woman. But as a child I really KNEW something was missing, and for years I thought it was cut off… So I really love this picture.
I remember sitting on the potty waiting for my navel to burst. I knew it was only a matter of time. I was mutilated below, and I was mutilated there. I didn’t know what was cut off, but I needed it.
I was 3-4 years old. My feet didn’t touch the ground yet.
I knew I wasn’t welcome, I knew that boys had more, were loved more, and it was permanent.
My mother loved my older brother, my father loved my younger brother, and in the middle I was used. Do this and do that. Or as a punching bag. Or as a pleasure giving thing.
It has taken all I got and more to climb out of that deep well of despair. It took me 40 years to get up to the vibrational level of 170. I clawed myself up. I was literally unstoppable.
Still, at 170, when I offered to volunteer and assist in Landmark Education’s offices, I was often sent home, “You use up space, you don’t provide…”
I didn’t know what that meant at the time, but it could not be good. “My case” as Landmark called it was still who walked in, not a human being. The case of being unwanted, damaged, devastated, used, and spit out, mutilated, was offering to volunteer, not a person.
This summer this is the issue that is coming up for serious “look in the face of the tiger” examination.
Here is the tiger story I have shared before… but here is is again: Behavioral scientists were visiting this village in India. They wanted to find out how living next to the forest of the great white tigers effected the dreams of the children of the village.
This is what they found:
The little children, between three and 6, dreamed about hiding from the tiger.
Children between age 6-10 dreamed about outwitting the tiger
Children 10-14 dreamed about outrunning the tiger
Children over 14 dreamed about facing the tiger.
Your case, your issue, your problems are your tigers.
As you see, from my story, by age 40 I reached the emotional age of a child of about 10.
I have noticed that I often regress to the age of 10. How do I notice it? I have developed, through observation, an early warning system. Here are the phases:
I get pushy, then I get angry, then my chest has the clasp of the energy “No matter what I do…” and then the corners of my mouth turn down, as in saying “poor me…”
What is on the other side of this phenomenon? Simple: people are not doing what they are doing TO me, they are just doing the best they can to make it and look good.
People barely notice you, they are in survival. (Just like you!) So taking personal offense to what they are doing is both childish and moronic.
This is my current area I am working on. When I am done, I’ll be able to serve better, scaring people with my anger and pushing less… of course it all depends on their emotional age.
Raising one’s emotional age is the most important task in raising your vibration.
You can’t jump… you need to go through all the phases, the hiding, the outsmarting, the outrunning of your issues, to finally get to the place where you can face the tiger. The place where you act out of your own power. Heavenly…