Before we can talk about retaining: first you have to have it… you cannot lose what you never had. Thinking you had it is not the same as having it.
Thinking about flying isn’t… So beware, if you come back to this post over and over again, you are probably delusional… So snap out of it. Have something so you can lose it… Learn how to attain, and then if you lose it, then this article is for you…
Yesterday I spent 90 minutes with my coaching client.
This is what I learned:
You are not retaining any of the insights, any of the knowledge you read. And because my site, my programs need you to retain what you were taught, my programs, with you, are wholly ineffective.
I already saw this when I was in Landmark programs: I saw that even seminar leaders don’t retain the knowledge, the coaching, they get.
Change is not enough. We must evolve… evolution is irreversible
Every new seminar they start from zero, or near zero.
I retain everything. But what is the difference between them and me, you and me? Am I superior? Am I special?
So solving this puzzle has been the biggest mountain to climb for me.
It is not that I am smarter. it is not that.
I got the clue from Atlas Shrugged… I knew I had a reason to read it again (third time) I just didn’t know what it was.
One of the main characters, Hank Rearden, realizes that he had been two people with two moral world views: 1. his person at work, where he took pride in his ability to create with his ability to think, and 2. in the area of his body, sex, where he didn’t take pride in what he did. He considered it a sin.
Now, I don’t know where you are split, but I know that you are.
How, what? What are you talking about?
You are one person, with one set of values when you read my articles, or do my programs. Then the next moment you move to be a different person with a different set of values. No connection, nothing is left from the person, from the values, from what is important to you from the previous “place”… no continuity.
I am talking to you. I am not talking about other people, I am talking about you.
You have always been split.
You have never had a Self, you have never had a core, you have never had any authenticity.
You are a chameleon, but worse than that. The chameleon only changes its color, you change your whole value system.
Until and unless you become one, you are stuck at the level of your lowest self, the lowest vibration.
It’s not a character issue, although it could be. I think it is an integration issue.
And, between you and me, I don’t care which “persona” you pick to be the you everywhere, just pick one.
Pick the lowest, once it is unified, and authentic, you can start growing in earnest.
Pick the persona that you are most of the time. The bum, the lazy one, the criminal, the weak one, the stupid one, the pleasure seeker… and stop pretending that you are anything else than that.
Unify yourself, integrate yourself around that persona.
It’s ugly, but it feels uncomfortable, it maybe even feels inauthentic… but it needs to get done. Because what excuses you from integrity is that you can pretend, that you are X, while most of the time you are Y.
Of course if you have a TLB 1 in your measurements, you won’t do it, it will be too scary for you to do it. So this is not for you. You will just keep pretending and be wretched at the same time.
But those of you who are willing to take on unifying yourself around something that is easy, your lowest, you’ll start to see, that unless you have a firm starting point, unless you are the same bum, thief, sniveling creature everywhere, you cannot carry over new knowledge.
- If you are married, your lowest is who you are in that marriage. 1
- If you live with your parents, your lowest is who you are that mooches on your parents.
- If you have a job you hate, and you think you are worth more… your lowest is who you are at that job.
You are like water. Just because you have spots where you boil… the water that you are is not boiling… and will never boil, unless you accept that you are one.
I don’t know who the f… said “we are one”…
We are not one, and we don’t need to be. But you are not one… and if you want to become a human being, you need to become one.
The level of inauthenticity is indicator of the level of “schizophrenia”… the level of split.
How you do anything is how you do everything is true, because it is the you that is in common. Because, between you and me, you can only pretend to a degree. If you are sloppy and sweep only where people can see it, you’ll do this in your work, in your work with me, in the way you read, in the way you make love, in the way you drive, in the way you do music, in everything.
And you know it.
The level of misery is an indicator of your inauthenticity… the level of your NEED to pretend.
Werner Erhard says that you can only be authentic about your inauthenticity.
What does that mean? That only in the MOMENT WHEN you can say: I am pretending to be X while I am really Y. Why the moment? Because you are always pretending. You are pretending that you are NOT pretending. Always.
When you need to confront me, and tell me the things about yourself that you don’t like, your slothfulness, or your complacency, or your anger, you are pretending while you are doing that. As if your behavior, attitude, etc. didn’t constitute who you are. It does. And unless you own it, fully, THERE IS NOTHING THAT YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT. 2
You only have power over what belongs to you. But in your “confession” to me, you are disowning those things… and thus, you are stuck. Stuck being slothful, complacent, or angry.
There are only a few people who are somewhat willing to own what is the lowest in them. How do I know? They actually retain some of the knowledge, some of the growth, some of the capacities I turned on.
Now… do I have areas like that?
Yes. At this point I have one person with whom I am motivated by fear… And I have one habit I consider low: eating to treat feeling bad… feeling YOUR wretched feelings I must feel.
I am willing to own both.
Now, what do you need to own your lowest?
But the abyss has been there all along.
You’ve been living a life of avoiding the abyss…
…that is the cause of your misery, not what you claim is: not having what you want. No, it is the avoidance of your own ugliness, your real agenda, your real self. (Just watch people: the misery doesn’t go away when they get what they want… in spite of smiling for the camera.)
The second thing you need is to know that the moment you own it, the moment you tell the truth about who you’ve been, you have a chance to choose, to choose who you want to be, and to not be that.
Of course owning it is not the same as complaining about it! Complaining is, in essence, saying that you are the victim of it. That it is happening to you, that it is outside of your power to do anything about it.
Your life is used by the effort to avoid being seen for who you are. That is like a concern around which you dance.
Imagine your left foot being nailed to the floor. How far can you go? Can your life be about anything other than that nail? No, right?
So the moment you own that ugliness, the nail comes out.
Complaining about it, speaking of it as a force of nature, speaking about it as if it were happening to you, is not owning it.
That is what you have been doing! And it has made no difference, because it can’t.
I know it sounds counter intuitive, but what “they” are teaching you are ways to be a slave…
And that is who you have been: a slave. 3
Violence may be another clue to guide you away from what is not your inner, what is not YOU… I think I’ll have to write more about violence.
Most “cultures” that preach “love” don’t love… they are violent cultures, enforcing “love”… I would laugh if it weren’t so horrible. And once you lose your natural ability to be guided by feelings (Read the Feelings book!) you are no longer a potential human being: you are a machine.
The issue is that you don’t recognize values. Why don’t you? One of the reasons could be is that you have been told what is good and what is bad, and what is moral and what is immoral. You weren’t allowed to see, feel for yourself.
When you have values you were allowed to see, values that have nothing to do with commandments, and sin, and morality, and good and evil, when you recognize values, they work in you like The Light. In Hebrew the word for that phenomenon is translatable to compass… The Hebrew word is Matzpun.
Matzpun is like a beacon of light, guiding you. In zig-zag, because that is the nature of movement and guidance in reality. So you are always off target, but your next move is correction. A graceful dance, enjoyable.
Whereas morality is rigid. In morality, you are bad when you are not good.
With Matzpun: you are off… For a moment, for a week, but always in correction mode. Your soul correction shows the main areas where you are habitually off. Not wrong. Off.
Can you FEEL the difference? Being bad feels really bad. Being off… it’s normal.
So how do you get off this torture wheel of good and bad?
I have no clue. I didn’t have to do it: as a child I was labeled AMORAL, and I still am. No moral rules. It’s not the Jewish way.
Of course I have seen “NEW” Jews behave like Christians, considering obeying the commandments and rules and Shabbat and Kashrut as good, and not obeying them as bad, but that is not the soul of Judaism.
Judaism is not judgmental.
Obviously I am not a religious scholar: I am an atheist and have always been.
So, if I don’t know, how am I going to be able to teach you to become a person: inner directed, value recognizer, personal value directed: flexible and joyful?
You can see that this is the crux of the matter. The difference between a fulfilling life and a life that is a straitjacket. Living for appearances, living a life dictated by the moral majority.
This is an area where muscle test isn’t helping: Source doesn’t know. It hasn’t been done. Yet.
A few months ago, in one of our What’s Missing? workshops, I suggested to a few participants to take on the beingness, to choose themselves to be VALUE RECOGNIZERS.
Of course if you live by some bible… you expect someone to tell you what to look for.
But to activate your SIGHT, your inner ability to SEE, pointing you towards a thing will not do it. You have to discover it for yourself.
So what are your clues?
One clue is joy. It’s subtle, but it’s obvious. Joy is part of “enjoy”… and all living beings know it, it is a guidance system.
The memory of “joy” isn’t joy.
I used to have this disappointment regularly. I imagined eating ice-cream, and the joy that comes with it. But reality did not match my imagination.
Ice cream… cold, sweet, no joy. Hm.
It took me a long time (and severe weight gain) to realize that I am not wired for joy from ice cream.
Most foods are like that. Advertising suggest what you are supposed to feel… and you think that you are at fault if you don’t. Often sex is like that… OK, for me, always. Hugs, kissing, new clothes, travel… disappointing.
You need to find your own wiring. What does genuinely give you joy?
That is where YOUR values lie… It is separating the wheat from the chaff… you need to come out of the cave, and feel what you feel, not what you are supposed to feel.
- Your marriage is based on pretense, his and yours, or hers and yours
- I had such moments myself. Two stand out, both with the same coach. One was that I was a gossip: tearing others down to make myself look bigger, and a liar by omission… never sharing the good things about these same people.
It was hard to own that that is who I really was: needing to tear someone down, lie about them, to make myself feel better about myself. It wasn’t pretty. But I owned it, cried over it, struggled with it, and finally beat it.
- Also in Atlas Shrugged, also with Hank Rearden, the government wants to make Rearden a slave… but they can’t find anything in his work that he feels guilty about. But they strike gold when they get to his marriage… and they make him sign over his company to the government, because guilt will make you a slave.