I am finding that when you die, your energy doesn't die with you. So all the billions of people who ever lived are still represented here by their energies. Are they souls? No. Do they every ascend? No. They are not they... these are energies... something you can connect to, something that can commingle with your energy and wreak havoc.
This fact, the people who lived leave their energy behind, justifies my measurements that some of the most significant people who shaped humanity's thinking actually never lived. They were constructs of many people. So they never died, never lived.
Jesus, Moses, Lao Tzu, Sun Tzu... King David
For me, there is still an opportunity to contemplate loving my mother, despite the fact that her body died 23 years ago. And to feel full love for my father. It's his birthday today, and I am weepy. He is 105 today.
I looked in the mirror and realized that he would be mortified if he saw me today. Luckily for that, he died 26 years ago... I miss him. He wrote to me, just before he died, that he knew I would become some kind of a writer. But he lied. He didn't see anything special in me while I was alive. And lie or not lie, I am grateful for what he said. I felt noticed. Once.
I guess all these emotions, all this crying I am doing today are necessary. This crying is mostly love. Late discovered love.
It has been covered up with all the shoulds and all the "me, me, me".
When life: whatever happens, whatever anyone says, including the voices, is personal... is about you, you can't love. Can't love yourself, can't love another.
Love is an overflowing... when you have so much that you can't count it... and can truly give it away. At least with another...
With yourself: I am reporting: love is no space between you and you. The two yous become one. Absolute peace. Silence. Nothing to do. Nothing needed. Completion.
I watched videos, movies, listened to writings by Gurjieff... He penetrated truth about human to an extent. 40%. Buddha... also 40%... a different 40%. Osho: 30%.
No wonder the human experience is getting worse by the minute.
Many teachers have discovered and identified a certain percentage of the truth, but they all fell victim to the confirmation bias, or "theory induced blindness".
They all thought that they saw the whole truth... whereas, in my experience, the truth is something to be gathered and made one whole... a lot like a jigsaw puzzle.
At this point I have gathered and assembled 91% of the truth that practiced, can set you free. The path to the next evolutionary level of human: human being.
The sources are eclectic. One of the crucial, cardinal pieces came from the Amish via Tai Lopez.
Tai has 7% of the truth, lives none of it.
Knowing and living it, it seems, are two different things.
Only when the two selves merge... those moments, those times are when living according to truth is possible.
In the Gurjieff movie someone says: teaching came from two entities: the silver tongued entity who was thoroughly enjoyed but no one learned anything other than what the mind learns. And the other... stumbling over his own tongue, but the beingness came through the awkwardness. 1
I have noticed this discrepancy decades ago... the smoother the talker the less connection between the words and the beingness... The mind is perfectly able to spew spiritual stuff without any spiritual beingness present...
Of course, even if the words don't come from the mind, they can still be received by the mind and become instant lies.
The students who aren't moving, aren't growing, aren't getting it, are receiving the "knowledge" in the mind.
It's a personal struggle to move into the exercises, instead of repeating good-sounding truth: truth repeated is a lie. Unless you speak from your being, you are lying.
Huh? Yeah... and you know it.
What other people think about you, say about you, is so irrelevant to the quality of your life, and yet some soul corrections put all their efforts into being well-thought of... and put up with having a shitty life.
The total opposite of my approach to life: the moment someone thinks well of me, I know I am in trouble. I have done something inauthentic. 2
Like with any jigsaw puzzle, recognizing patterns in one corner, in one area of the puzzle won't get the puzzle put together... only when you have all the pieces together.
I had a glimpse of some pieces of the missing 9% yesterday, but as it normally goes: an insight is a dime a dozen... I have promptly forgotten what I saw.
Because no matter how much I managed not to take people's actions personally, I have to admit that although your unwillingness to do what you said you would do is not a personal failure of mine, it still makes me weep. Grieve.
Yesterday I listened to the episode in the 67 steps where he (Tai Lopez) talks about practical pessimism. That is a perfect principle for me: prepare myself that no one will ever follow my teaching... and prepare to, regardless, have the teaching available after I am gone.
Instead of going to sleep, being pollyanna, or say: I don't care. I do care.
- In my experience you cannot teach anyone anything useful. The only thing that can teach them is their own discovery, while they are guided to look at their experience, doing certain exercises in a certain way. I cannot teach you to be like me. Not even to DO like me. I can only ask you to observe yourself based on some principles while you are doing exercises I have given you. I have four exercises... and they can take you all the way... or at least 91% of the way...
- Maybe that is why I use crude language... or like yesterday I resort to bathroom humor... to get myself out of the spell of being liked...