It is as if you were a gold plated coin pretending to be solid gold, and life would be continually threatening you to reveal your fakeness.
I used to be like you. I felt that there was a big gap between my accomplishments and my abilities... and maybe there was.
But most importantly, every little error, every little mistake I made or even just faced!!! jerked me down a hellish path... filling me with dread, and fear, and remorse, and regret, and who even knows words for those horrible feelings.
And mistakes? I made plenty.
I misunderstood, I jumped into conclusion, I tried to do something too fast before I even saw what the heck I was supposed to do... Put my foot in the mouth... lol.
40+ times a day.
What happened? Did I get smarter? And did I get stupider today? 1
I did not get smarter, although I may seem smarter most days.
Instead of worrying about being smart, I work with what I actually have control over, diligence, persistence, consistency, planning, look before I leap, and use the little smarts I have... instead of counting on what I used to fancy myself as... brilliant, a contribution, world class, talented, exceptional, b.s.
I am "lucky". I live in a house where the other apartment has been unoccupied.
And because it is all imagined, because there is no god, no one is selected, and it is hard even for Israelites who were born and educated that way to fulfill on the obligation of being high minded... she is plagued by horrible feelings.
And her bad feelings I have to feel. The one she is tormented by, has been active now for about 20 minutes... it is starting to hurt my back. Why my back? Because I have to feel it, but of course I'd rather not. So my body is resisting... lol.
You have two selves...
Both your selves actually know where they are at, and the delusional self knows that it is a gold plated coin instead of solid gold.
It expects, it anticipates the "attack"... being found out... being called out...
I am not yet clear about the dynamic... at this point it feels nonsensical... But I thought I'd document it, lest I forget what I was thinking and seeing today.
OK, a little bit about how I rid myself so effectively from this kind of suffering, the devaluation of my precious "I".
The first step I took was to declare that I was stupid. I was seeing and hearing things that are not there.
This made me start to check twice, three times, before I decide what was it I saw or heard. And I went from 40+ mistakes a day to five mistakes a day.
And most importantly: I reduced the size and the delusion of my "precious I" to almost match my real self... So at worst I am entertained, I am amused, but no strong feelings... none.
Devaluation of your precious "I"
Yesterday I went shopping with the old people's van. I found out that of the 20 people who were exposed to the same sick people, I was the only one who got the flu.
I had to conclude that I was in worse shape, that my resistance to illenss was below other people's my age... That could have caused me some grief before, given that I counsel people on health, but it didn't. I could see what it is that I did to lower my health... an experiment that nearly killed me. lol.
Yeah, today I find it funny, curious, interesting... I laugh a lot more.
Still no grief. Not even a stab of pain...
And it is all in a day of work... nothing wrong, nothing to fix. I am still I. And what other people think about me is their business.
PS: Some way to bridge the gap
I just hung up skype with a client. She has four young children and no intellectual stimulation... you can imagine.
She isn't happy with herself. Her gap between her two selves is 70%: high. She should be more than she is... it says. The gap.
I worked out a method with which she can bring the two selves closer together. Because all her other numbers are good, I trust that she can and will do what I suggested that she did.
Would you do what I suggest if we were on a call, you and I? Good question, eh?