I have been having recurring dreams for about two months now. Disturbing dreams, involved, frightening, confusing, entertaining dreams. All around the same futuristic theme: time travel: going back and changing stuff so the outcome is different. Each time the effort backfired in the dream. Until last night I went back far enough that I touched the moment where it all went wrong...
I don't believe in dream interpretation just as I don't believe in fortune telling. I don't believe in divination of any kind.
But when a topic, a dream, a question, a theme comes up consecutively more than twice, I pay attention.
I pay particular attention in the moments right after I wake up...
Those dreams are guiding dreams. In my case, it is my soul's desperate messages to me: they repeat because I am not getting the message, I misinterpret the message, and then the message comes again and again.
With this series of dreams I have been, obviously, very dense, because it's been a long run.
This morning, Saturday morning, I slept in. And I woke up with some clarity: we'll see if this is the message I was supposed to get.
The messages I get, because of my particular purpose, are messages I need to deliver to you.
Now, that doesn't mean that it can't have a purpose, that you can't give it meaning. But it doesn't, already, come with a meaning.
And therein lies the challenge: a life without meaning is a life of living like a dry leaf: tossed around without a purpose of its own.
You can have a profession, you may even have good results with it. You can have a family, and yet, your life feels empty, because it feels meaningless.
Life itself, although it has no meaning, wants something.
Living things, other than humans, don't shrink: they want more, better, bigger. They want to grow to the sky.
I have gleaned this through observation.
Human beings are taken off purpose (Life wanting more life) early on: when you are made wrong for what you wanted, when your desires were declared sinful, when your doctor father wanted you to be a lawyer, instead of an artist.
I was fascinated with words, I had stories, poems, to bear witness. I was sidetracked by my mother's desire to be an architect, and so there I went.
I was ill-suited for architecture: I was not visual at all. But with grit and determination, I became an architect. I was unhappy. It required very little of my capacities I liked to use, and an awful lot of capacities I didn't have.
I had some successes, awards, first prize in competitions, 17 years of misery. Emptiness. Floating and never arriving.
I was using every waking moment to survive my life I was so unhappy in. To be able to bear it I had to do a lot.
But you can't make turd taste like chocolate, no matter how much chocolate covering you put on it.
In 1988 I quit architecture, and now I had nothing. It was nothing, inside and out...
It is a good thing to get to nothing. You can build on nothing: it is futile to build on a shaky foundation, build on something that you don't want.
There are a lot of trades that fit that description, so I chose publisher.
Publisher, although it is a trade, says nothing about the content.
This was 25 years ago. Something was still missing: the why of living, the why of this activity.
The publishing company I founded and ran, suddenly became not so much fun... and nor did my life. I had to get back to nothing again: I could not build on something "not that" successfully.
I didn't know that is what I was doing, or I would have done it much faster: I needed to destroy and denounce everything to get back to nothing.
It took me a long time.
But today I am doing what I am best suited. And this is what the dreams were nudging me to say:
To build a new life, a life with your meaning, you need to go back to nothing, really nothing. Go back to the beginning. Go back to innocence. Go back to the time where there was nothing else but you and Life.
When I look at people through this "filter" to see what they were at the beginning, I am starting to see them differently.
- I see the little boy on seventh heaven because he fell in love with a little girl... expressing that love felt good.
- I see the little boy rejoicing because he can solve problems, because he can lift, fix stuff... no big deal.
- I see the little girl who has a bold independent spirit that wants to go out and play.
- I see the little girl who loves making something from nothing, and will lose track of the day, she is so absorbed in it.
I was like that with teaching: all I ever wanted is to be listened to. I made up stories when I didn't have anything of my own.
When we go back to your "original incident" in life, we ultimately find that little boy or that little girl... and we can see what they really loved, what they really wanted to do with their life.
Then life interfered, life with small letters... your family, society.
And you lost your way. Then you had too much built, crap, to even consider going back to nothing. So you make do, and you are looking for ways to feel better about your crappy life, your crappy self...
Most of you are in this category: wanting to feel better, but unwilling to go back to nothing.
You really can't climb up higher if you decide to hold all your crap together... holding the crap together anchors you to your crap.
But 200 vibration is great, it is higher than most of your teachers and gurus... because they haven't gotten to the truth: that they sold out, that they lost their way, that they settled for less, settled for instant gratification of "success."
You are welcome to use my tools no matter where you are.
Just please make yourself clear whether you are one who is willing to go back to nothing, or you want to hold your crap together.
The path is different for these two categories.
PS: After I finished this article, I went to see on google.com if "holding your crap together" is something other people say in public... I found something more than I expected. I found some articles from Steve Pavlina that proves a point in this article.
In 2005 Steve Pavlina's vibration was 210. Today it's 190. He now has stuff to hold together... and is anchored to it. Update 1/19/2016: Steve Pavlina's vibration is now 170.