…But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid…
The first fish that left the water realized that moving about with what it had, walking with fins was too slow… so it started to realize it needed something that was more suitable for land… legs. So it used its fins until eventually they became legs… of course, in many generations… but you’ll get the lesson, how this applies to you, I hope.
This is how Life works, that is how evolution works. Until you introduce humans… that is.
I have always been a curious kid. I always pondered, experimented, took things apart… I never asked questions, never asked others to solve my quandaries. I like the process, you see.
My examples, in my teaching, in my coaching, show that I like and understand machines. I like to think of myself as Edison who potentially never solved the problem of the light bulb… and who enjoyed every failure as much as the previous one…
Solutions, answers, cheap successes are for losers… and I am not one. lol. 1
When I look, given this filter I have, the people I can see that have left their footprints in the sand of time are other people who love or loved failures.
It’s a different game than most people play. Most people want to maintain an image of themselves and they play it safe, play to “remain” in a winning streak, afraid to touch anything that could say they are not that.
But like a machine in working order won’t reveal how it works, a life in working order won’t show what makes it work, what are the moves…
You see what is going on from the discrepancies between what is and what seems to be the function of something…
…and when that is your main focus, (what is the function of something) then you can get to the bottom of it, and design life, design machines, design buildings, cities, governments, civilization… such that people remain people, and they can grow.
This is not how it happened in life. Instead people have never looked at anything to fully understand them, to be on the side of life, life working fully… They/us designed stuff from their own ideals, or to build monuments to their own “brilliance”. All the celebrated architects, my original profession, built horrible buildings, with only a few minor exceptions.
It’s easier to see it on the furniture these same famous architects built. Pretty to the eyes, horrible for the user… maiming them like church pews.
Now, why am I going for this rant… who cares, right?
Well, I do. Because how you do anything is how you do everything… this same “fighting life” motif goes through everything: the loudest, flashiest idea wins… and the loudest, flashiest idea’s “creator” only cares about themselves.
An idea that matches life is not loud, not flashy, it fits. It’s harmonious. It kind of disappears, and looks like Life did it, not some person.
And the ego doesn’t want that. Never wants that. The ego is very concerned about you not really fitting in, not really be on the side of life, not really stand out.
You are happiest when you block life, when you force, when you make life go around you, when you are significant. When what you say should be the last word, because… why is it? are you smarter? are you saying something that will make life work? No… just because you said what you said, and you are the alpha and the omega of your world.
I like the expression from Alanon and other 12-step programs: Let go, let god… And the ones in those programs that can let go can graduate from the programs, the ones that can’t or won’t, remain there.
In 1988, instead of going to become an inmate in a mental institution, like I would have done in Hungary where it’s free, I started to go to 12-step program meetings. Not quite free, but cheap. Definitely cheaper than a psychiatrist.
I graduated from ACOA to Emotions Anonymous after two months, and another two months I graduated from Emotions Anonymous.
Then I created a program called Playground: it is never too late to have a happy childhood, on the basis of my experience in the 12 step programs. At some point I revisited my ACOA group and saw that all the people who were there when I was going to meetings were still there, saying exactly the same things, with exactly the same tone of voice as months earlier.
I suddenly understood something about humans, about language, about what makes people stuck. Like Edison would have… Hey, it is not working… and I saw, exactly what could be changed, in the ground rules, so people can grow.
And I did that in my program.
In this past month I realized that my Playground has the same flaw in the instructions, and unless I incorporate that new rule into the ground rules, nothing will happen.
Humans are the only species that can learn by themselves, I read somewhere… It’s probably b.s., but let’s take out the “only species” part, and see if and how humans could learn… Because they are NOT learning.
Humans, the way I see it, aren’t able to see life, themselves, their behaviors as a machine that isn’t getting them what they could, what they hope they could get. They don’t go deep, they don’t experiment, they don’t ponder… they try to get different results doing the same things the same way.
Looking the same way, assuming the same things, seeing things through a keyhole size of opening… and asking questions that they don’t understand the answers to.
I am starting to see that the curiosity I had as a child is the fundamental difference between others and myself. Between you and me.
I ask vastly different questions. And I have different expectations. I don’t expect to get to the solution in one fell swoop.
I ask the questions unconsciously… I am not smarter and therefore ask better questions… I almost never ask my questions out loud… I ask them in my head… Often I don’t even hear that I am doing it.
So it has been taking me a long time and a lot of “hearing, watching, pondering” you trying to get a better handle at life, and identifying what is not working about the machine you are… why you don’t become a better machine, a machine that is more in sync with life.
So I am listening to the Partner calls, I am talking to some people one-on-one, I really pay attention to the questions you ask in email coaching.
I have noticed that my frustration has been in my way of seeing: frustration asks “why”, and the question that would lead to better solutions would be “what” or “how”.
The kind of questions, it seems, you never ask. Or if you do, in some area of life, you are like me: you are not conscious of it.
And if you are not conscious of some brilliant “how”, you can’t bring it to other areas of life.
I have a student who loves machines. Loves figuring out what isn’t working about them and then fixing them. That is his superpower.
If he could extend the methodology with which he is looking at machines to life, he could have a healthy body, but he doesn’t. If he could extend it to relationships… he could have a smooth life… but he doesn’t.
He is the person who is the most teachable, because he has some foundation: an area where he is already in harmony with life. Where life is not about him, where he is about life.
I also have a student who is the opposite: he hasn’t decided on an area of life where he could become brilliant, where he could see how life works, so he could start to see what blocks life, what blocks the flow.
Mainly he hasn’t, because he doesn’t like things not working: he takes that personally. When things are not working or not working yet, he thinks it’s his fault… so he moves sideways to something that is easy and not worth doing… Always. Like a cork on open sea…
And there are all kinds of people in between…
My job is to teach them a new way of being in life, a new way of doing life, so they can become happier, more effective, and less frustrated.
Frustration is the base “not Self” for 99% of humanity. 2 Under every emotion you feel, you will find frustration. Things are not going the way they “should”… meaning the way you imagined they would. The way you fancied they should. Things go the way they go… and that is not what you wanted, therefore you are frustrated.
We are all frustrated. And yet we react to it differently.
Here comes into play the way you handle frustration: you feel fear, anger, grief, greed, resistance… but these emotions are secondary to frustration.
If you can dig down to frustration: things are not going the way they should: you get to the root of your misery: you think life should adjust itself to your image of how it should be, instead of you adjusting your behavior to how it is.
If someone asked you to create god, you would create it to YOUR image… because you do that with everything, so why not with god.
Everyone in every age did that, so why not you?
I read a fascinating book about the age when there were a lot of celestial events, and people of that age looked at the celestial bodies as gods, and interpreted them to make them similar to what was going on on earth… fighting, jealousy, killing… The Greek Mythology is what I am talking about.
You are so incurious that you email me for answers… answers that you could think out, answers that you could research for… but no, you ask me… or ask no one, and try to puzzle out with the limited amount of knowledge and with the tools you have… and THEN ask me…
Anyway, the new question I came up with yesterday to use in the partner calls is really simple.
The new question: What do you consider wrong in an incident? What should be? What shouldn’t be? What is wrong there? What is right there?
In the “strait and narrow” methodology of going towards “getting clear”, of going towards “happy”, of going towards living harmoniously with life, those questions can lead you there…
Everything that you consider wrong is unreality.
In every incident there are many elements you consider wrong… and each wrong makes you unhappy AND ineffective.
It is a great metaphor to what we are doing. Even if just one pin doesn’t align, the lock doesn’t turn…
But the more pins align in each present or past incident, the more things you see that frustrate you, the more you can let them be. What locks the pins is your resistance to how it is… i.e. making it wrong for being the way it is.
Your husband, your friends, your neighbors, your government, yourself, your dog, your weight, your health, the weather, climate change, illness, etc…
I learned life through countless experiments that didn’t go well.
Every successful experiment would have lulled me into thinking that I now understand everything. Thankfully I’ve had very few of those. And even if something succeeded, it didn’t last. Because the “lock” only turned partially, not fully over.
So this new experiment of asking this new question: what am I making wrong here? is, maybe, going to take us to a place where people, at least temporarily, at least partially free themselves up to become part of life, not part of misery.
Yeah, that’s what is next.
PS: This methodology, I feel, is the polar opposite of positive thinking, of the law of attraction, in that it makes you look at what you don’t want… and how that, not wanting locks it in… The moment you let go of “not wanting” what is… you can start looking at the next thing you don’t want… until you finally get clear.
This works, positive thinking doesn’t. And neither the law of attraction that makes you focus on greed… and thus block what you want.
The only way you can be in harmony with life if you are forcing nothing… And at present you are forcing everything. So it will take a while, but you can do it.
What shall I sell you so you can have a chance to experience what I am saying, not only what I say about it?
In all honesty, all my courses teach the same thing… just looking at it slightly differently.
There is one course that is closest to how you already think, closest to your current worldview, and maybe that is why students have loved it… The Soaring Method. It’s three videos… You invent a new identity in it, a new identity that is saying yes to all you ever wanted… without lying, wanting, forcing, or any of that bad stuff.
- I am a winner.
What the heck does that mean… right?
Being a winner is an experience of oneself… not a reality. Unless you say “winner”, in life, in reality there is no such thing. And yet, the experience is real.
It all depends on your intention. On your expectations. And on your results.
If you intend to win every time you do something, your experience in life will be, most likely, being a loser.
If you expect things to be easy and you are unprepared for them to be the way they are… often difficult, often needing effort, your experience of yourself will be an experience of being a loser.
There are no losers in life… only the experience… The result the capacity of foresight would tell you ahead of time, so you could, maybe, perchance learn from it? No? Not you? OK… no problem. You always have what you caused. You cause your own experience… just like I do.
- I learned that in the Human Design institute… by the way. I like to acknowledge the source of knowledge… I have tested, and it is one of the few things that are said there that is actually accurate according to my muscle testing. :-(